Venting re Non-compliments
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| Fri, 05-12-2006 - 11:16am |
Okay I have a son who is 11 -- not a teen yet but a pre-teen. And he's decided to join the school band this year taking up clarinet. He's only had 14 classes and yesterday there was a sort of "mini-concert" to showcase how all the kids are doing learning their instruments. I was so pleased with his progress and the progress of the whole band, btw, and he was so excited.
Anyway, he invited his grandparents to watch as well...these are my soon-to-be-ex-husband's parents. His paternal grandfather is a highly accomplished musician and plays a number of instruments himself so my son was anxious to have his approval and opinion.
Afterwards the grandparents were quite complementary but then my mother-in-law says "you did very well but that kid over there played much better -- you should practice more".
Oh my God I just about hit the roof. I tried to calmly deal with it asking her to please not put that type of pressure on him because otherwise he will get discouraged and give up. She insisted that I was being "unreasonable" and that all she said was that he should practice more every day in order to be better. She just kept going and didn't get it.... you don't give a kid a complement with one hand and then negate it with the other. ...
Finally I lost it and told her that she raised her kids and this is mine and to please not interfere in this area. He will practice as per the teacher's instruction and take his feedback from his teacher. She still thought I was being "unreasonable".
She does the same thing with my 14 yo daughter. My 14 yo is a very pretty girl with a great figure because she dances and works out daily. She is also a child of mediterranean heritage and as such she does have a bit of body hair especially longish black hair on her arms. Her grandmother will stay stuff to her like "that hair on your arms is ugly -- you should go wax it off." What the? Telling a 14 yo girl that something about her is "ugly"?
What pisses me off is that, honestly, my mother-in-law raised three kids. The two oldest, including my husband, are to this day total and complete losers who have accomplished nothing in their lives. (The youngest is a girl who is doing okay but never really fulfilled her true potential.) Both of her sons never finished high school, never found a vocation or career in life, are hopeless at handling any type of personal or business affairs -- heck they can barely do their own laundry. My husband is a good and loving father and loyal friend and that's about all he has going for him. And here she is telling MY kid that he's good but not good enough yet. Sure -- destroy another boy's self-esteem and confidence why don't you???
The issue at hand here is how some people just don't know the power of their words. Here's a kid learning something new and wanting to please his grandparents and then he gets that kind of backhanded criticism. ARRGGGHHHH..... okay, trying to take deep breaths.

I hate to say this, but your MIL is probably being a grandmother in much the same way that she was a mother.
Oh man, that would have made me soooo mad too!!
Don't know what else to tell ya, just wanted you to know I would have reacted in the same way as you. Like Rose said, hopefully he'll realize how she is and not take it personally.
Good luck,
zz
Boy, do I feel your pain! My MIL is a little like this - pays backhanded compliments or (on our last visit) totally ignored my DD and only talked to DS6. In her house there are 100s of photos of my DD, but she doesn't have the slightest interest in the actual kid.
It's been hard for my kids, and even harder for my DH, to see how she treats them. I guess it's been a lesson for them too - My DD can see that "gramma J" is not all there, not a nice person, and we just take her for what she is and don't expect more. She definitely appreciates *my* parents even more after spending time with my DH's mom. I figure it's her loss - I have great kiddos and she will never really get to know them. Your MIL will be in the same spot - in a few years she'll ask why DD or DS don't want to spend time with her or don't give her hugs and kisses - ah well, she made that happen.
In the situation you describe, I would tackle it head on "yes, grandma said that, but....." and explain it or say "but I believe.....". Your kids will hear what you have to say and it will have more weight than anything your MIL can say.
We have also limited contact with my MIL. She's in another state, and doesn't like to travel, so it's easy to stay away. She doesn't call my kids, they don't call her.....you get the picture.
Sue
hugs....
I'm sorry about this, but there really isn't anything you can do to change HER. all you can do is protect your children from poisinous people. don't even bother getting into an argument with her, and dont' try to educate her on how she should treat your kids because its just going to make you more frustrated.
just limit her contact with your kids. your kids will anyway soon enuf not want to spend time with her. i see this with my ds - there are things about his grandmother/uncles/aunts from his father's side (my ex husband) that he just doesn't like and accept. my former MIL is a great person and we still have a great relationship but there are things that I can't stand about her, and even tho i never said a word to him - he just picked up on it.
I am so sorry. I know kinda what you feel like. My mother-in-law was always
interfering with how we raised our kids, and those words are forever burned into
my mind. So I can imagine what its done to your dear son. Kids are always
putting themselves out there for differant things and they look to thier
adults for approval. My guess is the reason for your MIL's kids being
"losers" and not amounting to much is from the same treatment that your
son received. Hopefully he can look past that, but I am afraid the damage
is already done. I haven't looked at the other replies that you have gotten,
but my advise is to sit your son down and talk to him and let him know how
well he did (as I am sure you have) and let him know that you are so very
proud of him and that you love him. Now as for me, I would then find a time
when my son wasn't around and confront the grandmother and let her know
how you feel. (I'm sorry, thats just how I am).
Anyway, best of luck!
Signlady
"We are Virginia Tech - we will Prevail"