(Very) Serious Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
(Very) Serious Question
9
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 4:15pm

I have never really wanted to have my own biological children. Ergo, I have never really thought about what pregnancy might be like. I always assumed that if I ever wanted children I would adopt...


However, I have been asked by a gay male couple if I would consider being a surrogate. My gut reaction to their proposal was "absolutely NOT," but I told them that I would think about it... The selfish side of me doesn't want to go through 9 months of pregnancy for various reasons: I don't want to quit smoking for nine months, I don't want stretch marks, I don't want to go through the pain of giving birth... The other side of me, however, thinks that this would be an amazing oppurtunity to do something for a couple whom I care about a great deal. Clearly, none of this would happen until after I graduate in December, so I still have some time to think on it (but I also don't want to take a decision of this magnitude lightly)...


I've never gestated a child, and I don't know how I would react to carrying a child for 9 months and then handing it over to someone else to raise. I also don't know, given past mental

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 5:29pm

I think you need to give some VERY serious thought to this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 6:04pm

That fact that you 'don't know if you're ready for something like this' leads me to suggest really thinking long and hard on this before committing to anything. This is a huge thing you're talking about.

I personally know a woman who was a surrogate three times. She had already had two children of her own and loved being pregnant. I know she was paid a considerable amount of money for carrying the babies (not her eggs) each time and while there truly was a desire on her part to give a childless couple a baby, I think the monetary benefit was the primary motivating factor for her.

To the best of my knowledge, she did not have any hesitation or feelings of regret after giving birth and handing the baby off to it's parents.

I personally did not enjoy being pregnant one tiny bit. I gained an enormous amount of weight with both pregnancies and labor is called labor for a reason. It isn't easy and it isn't fun.

I fell totally in love with my babies, but unlike Rose, it wasn't until after they were born and I'd had them around a while before those feelings surfaced. When they did, it was absolutely overwhelming. It took me by surprise. I just had no idea I could love anything that much. You love your parents, your family, you love your husband, but the love you feel for a child is soooo much different. I have to say though, that falling in love with no. 2 happened a whole lot faster than with no. 1 because I knew then how completely and totally a mother falls in love with her children.

Every woman is different. Some get sick, some are sick for most of the nine months. Some gain a ton of weight, some gain only baby weight. Some love being pregnant, some don't. Some have a short and easy labor, some labor for hours. There are just no absolutes about those nine months, and you won't know anything at all about them until you're there.

There is a very popular pregnancy book called "What to Expect When You're Expecting". It is a really great illustrated guide to being pregnant and provides a week-by-week rundown on fetal development, what the expectant mother may be feeling and experiencing at each stage in the pregnancy, etc. You might want to go to your nearest bookstore and browse through a copy.

Hope this helps.

Best of luck to you.
Julie

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 8:33pm
Interesting...true confession time... I was a surrogate for a single gay man. Mind you, my own family was complete and I found that I do well being pregnant - I quite enjoy it. So I think that is a HUGE difference. I also was motivated by the fact that this was my BEST friend, and I knew he'd be an awesome dad. Still, I've had my regrets. Mainly I wonder now if it was fair to bring a child into the world with no mother to help raise her...on the plus side for you, at least the child would have two parents in an established relationship. tempted to say that if I had it to do over I wouldn't...but then, that would be like wishing Haley out of existence, so I can't do that either. Sorry that my "voice of experience" isn't very helpful...I think if I could give you a simple answer right now it would probably be "don't do it."
ps - it was my egg, but that wasn't much of an issue, since I went into the whole situation KNOWING this was not "my" baby.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 10:02pm

I think this would be an easier decision to make if you had already had a child and knew what it all 'felt' like. This way there are all the surrogate unknowns and all the pregnancy unknowns

What about your current job? Is that something you were planning to give up after graduation anyway?

How long has this couple been together? Do you have confidence in their relationship?

Best wishes whatever you decide

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 10:14pm

I tend to agree with Rose about the feelings that develop while you are pregnant and I don't think it would matter to me if it were someone else's egg. My body is still the one that is responsible for allowing it to develop and grow and to just hand that over to someone else would be extremely difficult to do. I also hadn't planned on having my first my child when I did. I knew nothing about babies and children and had really been around so few of them didn't know whether I would like them or not. I had the same experience with antibiotics as Rose. DH asked me to consider aborting it. I was only 7 weeks pregnant at the time but already loved her and there was no way that was happening. I told DH I would raise her alone if that's what he wanted. We stuck it out and my baby girl just turned 24 last weekend.

I have something else for you to consider. Even with all the wonders of today's technology and science, there are still some risks associated with pregnancy. A woman in our church recently died from a hemorrage during childbirth. Her DH is now left with three children to raise without their mom. During my second pregnancy, my thyroid decided it wanted a permanent vacation and went on strike. When DD was less than 6 months old, my heart become very weak b/c of lack of thryoid action. It became infected and I spent two weeks in cardiac intensive care. My heart will always have some damage to it from that and I will always have a non-functioning thryoid. Apparently thyroid problems after childbirth are very common and they often lead to other health problems.

I truly believe you are an unselfish person who is probably thinking what a wonderful gift to give them and it truly is but should you decide to have your own children at some point in your life (and hey, it could happen) then how would they feel about having a 1/2 sibling out there that they don't know. And should you develop any health complications during this pregnancy don't your future children, spouse, significant other, etc deserve a healthy you?

BTW, I was sick the entire 9 months with the last one. I had morning sickness so bad I lost 25 lbs the first 6 months I was pregnant. I went into premature labor. I got dehydrated several times. I tore my knee up pretty badly in a fall and had to have surgery. I had to be hospitalized 3 times before she was born. This does not include the short visits for fluids to treat the dehydration. The doctors highly recommended that I have a tubal and not have any more children after that one. It was too risky to my health. I would have loved a larger family but I also had to think of the one that I already had. In your case, you have to think of the one that you may have someday - even if that family doesn't include your own children. You may wind up being a step-mom to kids that need you or a surrogate aunt.

Anyway, I know you will give this decision your utmost thought and consideration and I know you will not make this lightly. Please feel free to talk this through with us anytime and let us know what you decide.

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 11:54pm
Wow! What a decision you have to make. Personally, I loved being pregnant. I didn't have the easiest pregnancies, but I still loved being pregnant. I would have had more kids, but with the 2nd one I had so much bleeding, due to scar tissue from the 1st (they were both C-sections) that we decided to be happy with 2 rather than take the chance at having 3 and end up with no mom. You never know what your pregnancies will bring.
Now that is my experience, I don't think I could ever have a baby and then hand it over to someone else, but that is just me.
I know a gal that I went to nursing school with who carried a baby for her best friend. She was so glad to be able to do this for her and still sees the daughter and is still best friends with the mom. I also know a couple who couldn't carry to term, her sister is gay and donated her eggs (the mom's eggs were the problem) The mom ended up having twins. I know this is a little different, the one who carried them was keeping them, but they are biologically the aunts babies. Funny thing is that now those twins are about a year and a half and Mom just gave birth to another baby, totally unexpected and no problems. So you see you never know, before she couldn't carry one of her own, now she has 3.
This is a huge decision that will impact your entire life. You may very well be able to give that baby over to your friends and that would be a huge gift to them. But think long and hard about the affects it would have on you, emotionally as well as physically and financially.
Good luck in making your decision, let us know what you decide.
Kristie
I don't know if you remember me, it's been a while since I was a regular on this board.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 10:12am
WOW.
My first pregnancy was unplanned (I considered adoption for about 3 days), and I was very eager to have my DD, see her, hold her, etc. I did most of my bonding and attaching after she was born, but I know I still couldn't have handed her over to someone else. My 2nd DD was a planned pregnancy, and I grew very attached even before I felt her move. The pregnancy hormones were very strong. I never felt so much love for someone. And the things it does to your body-WOW. The stretch marks and weight gain have all been worth it to me because I wanted the babies so much, and I knew it would happen. So, I guess my advice to you is weigh all the outcomes and decide if it is worth it to you. I would suggest prefessional counseling prior to any decision, and definantly don't rush into anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 10:53am

>>What about your current job? Is that something you were planning to give up after graduation anyway?<<


They intend to compensate me for the pregnancy - they even jokingly added that they'd throw in a new set of boobs and liposuction if need be. :) And if I do desire to continue in my line of work after graduation (to pay for grad school or supplement an entry-level salary), I

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 11:12am

>>Good luck in making your decision, let us know what you decide.<<


Right now, I'm still very much leaning towards no.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting