The war begins?

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
The war begins?
18
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 8:02am

Well, things started out well yesterday. DD did bring home a piece of paper with a note from 3 of her classes and a progress report from the 4th. She now has 1 B, 2 C's and 1 D in her Core Classes. The note from her teachers listed homework and the progress report listed missing assignments (the class with the D). I had told dd - if you have homework, I want to see it; if you have homework and finish it in class, I want something signed saying it was turned in. She came home and did her one assignment and was immediately asking to use the computer. I stuck my guns and said no - the agenda was not used and there are assignments listed that I don't know were turned it. She tried to keep her composure, but I could tell she was quite upset. She left the room.

We stayed separate for a bit and then I asked about the agenda. She has no idea where it is. Me: "Ok let's go get another." Her: "Well that's all I need, I don't want to go." Me: "Well, I'm not paying for yet another agenda, maybe if you use your money, holding onto it will become more important." Her: Grudgingly stomps off to get ready.

We go to the store Get to the store and park. Me: "Okay, go find yourself an agenda." Her: "I forgot my money." Me: Put car in reverse and go home.

Within 2 minutes of walking in the house she is on the computer - knowing my state of mind at the point and hers, battling that moment was going to get ugly. I left it alone, let her think she is winning the battle, but while she is gone today the computer or some important component will be gone. The war will officially begin at approximately 3pm eastern.

I need the strength to do this calmly and not let her get to me. Oh and BTW this is the last week of the grading quarter (not 2 weeks from now as I thought). I have been known to be let things slide in the past, I guess this is going to come back to haunt me. Sticking to your guns is really hard, but I have to step up to the plate here. Guess it will get worse before it gets better. Am I looking at this the right way?

Does Calgon still exists?




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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 11:37am

I had to do almost the same thing at the beginning of the second quarter. At first, I removed the "distractions" of the computer and tv during the week. When she went on the computer during restricted time, I pulled the plug completely by closing her accounts. She earned tv back within a few weeks when her grades came up. She hasn't asked for the computer privileges (other than Itunes) to be reinstated because she realized she was better off without it. The third quarter closes tomorrow and she has all As and a few Bs.

I'll be thinking of you at 3:00 EST. After the initial drama, it WILL get easier & she'll think twice before she messes with one of the rules.

Good luck!
jt

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 11:39am

Yikes 2 teen girls - you must be a saint!

She didn't know that I knew she was on the computer last night - I debated whether to go in there and yank the keyboard away, etc etc I knew my state of mind at that point things would have escalated quickly to an out of control, blow out and I need deal with things with out the emotion. Wait until I am calm to deal with her. Let her think she is in control and she will quickly learn that is not the case. I struggled all night if I was wrong in not taking a stand at that very moment - but I'm proud of myself for not letting my anger lead me and waiting for a cool mind.

LOL and in the past I have threatened to sit next to her and "hold her hand" in class, if that was what it took and each time that was threatened she did take action and straighten up. I have requested a meeting with the teachers. Waiting to hear back on the arrangements.




Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 11:51am

Thank you so much for the kind words and the encouragement. I can just hope dd will be compliant as she can be quite stubborn. If she can prove me wrong she will. In hindsight I probably should have attacked the problem last night, but I thought I was doing the right thing by waiting for calmness.

There are 2 ways today will go - she was so full of hatred last night and feels guilty and will be completely apologetic and understanding or her feelings from last night will continue and I will just need to "detach". She's a good kid but boy how that head can spin sometimes!

I admit I haven't always followed through so I have obviously brought all this on myself but in the past things have been said/threatened in anger and once I am able to think calmly I see I over-reacted. Once it is said, it must be done to be taken seriously, and this is my biggest downfall - speaking before thinking!!

Congrats to you and dd for the grades!




iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 3:25pm
IKWYM, but what helps me is just to do a lot of ignoring, especially when I think they might be trying to manipulate me. I find when I'm not in their face all the time, they come to me more often for help and just to hang out. That helps decrease the tension all around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 10:54pm
You're my hero! You are handling it EXACTLY the way that I would want to, but I'm not sure I'd follow through as well. Please let us know how it goes!
Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 6:36am
Ignoring is exactly what I am trying to learn - not letting her push my buttons. This is a new concept for me as she certainly knows how to manipulate and put on the guilt trip! She and I are extremely close and maybe I have been more friend than mother - which is why this concept is getting so difficult. She knows I let things slide and thats the biggest part of me I need to change - let go of my guilt and let dd own her part in whatever is going on at the moment.



Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 6:39am
Haha thanks, a hero, I certainly am not. It actually went well, I will post an update....



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
In reply to: kel7col4
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 5:40pm
Guilt is the last thing you should feel; you sound like a great mom.

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