Way past obsessed WWYD???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Way past obsessed WWYD???
2
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 2:09pm

Hi everyone:

My daughter is l8 years old and I know I know LOL at l8 they are obsessed in love and can't stand to be away from each other for just one second. This is way past obsessed and I don't like it, it is not healthy and don't know what to do about it.

My daughter is senior in h. school bf f.man in college just 20 min away. He comes home for weekends he has a wknd job at home. He never takes dd any place nice, dinner not much, here or his house to make out (yes they are not very discreet), and that is about it.

She is constantly calling him, and running up to his university like 3 times a week. I told her enough is enough she is still in high school and has her own life. She has missed sport events for him to be able to see him, practices, booked off work.

They are together till 3 a.m. here, and by 9-10 the next a.m. they are out all day doing basically nothing. She is getting worse and worse, and the bf seems to go along with it EXCEPT here is the kicker, the only time she is around, and doing HER own thing is when he has something to do. In other words, he does not go out of his way to make exceptions out of HIS life which is should not. He spent Xmas eve and Xmas day most of it anyway with OUR family, they have only been going out 5 months. This is too much. They will have seen each other for example 8-10 hours in one day, she comes home, and immediately gets on the phone with him.

She wants to go to his university tomorrow nite, Monday for their 7 month anniversary. Awww NO she makes excuses for him NOT to drive down here. She thinks he comes down here for her, but there is usally something else he needs her, and it feels like she is his weekend plaything. He has a family/friend dinner thing going on at 4 today and not one word was mentioned re; inviting her, nor should it have. If it were vice versa he would HAVE to be here. To make matters worse, DH sees nothing wrong with him getting out of work on a friday nite and coming over after midnite and him staying till 3. I just cannot see her heading out of town at 9 p.m. tomorrow nite, on the highway in the pouring rain, and he can NOT drive one way....

Is it me? I think this is unhealthy and his mom and I are friendly and both concerned. She controls him to a point and he goes along with it, as long as there is nothing else he has to do. I am upset and hope this makes sense. Any help at all is appreciated. Even at l8, I think there can be an unhealthy thing going on here vs. real love. And for her to give up friends, some school days, sports pracs, and events is way over the top? Yah think?

Thanks sooo much, Laurie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 4:11pm

Over the top? Yeah. Kind of obsessive? Yes. Unusual...not really. I was 18 when I had my first serious BF and all I wanted to do was spend time with him esp at only 5 months into the relationship. You can't be that far off from your own first relationship to not remember the rush and exhiliration of a first love (or maybe what you thought was love). She's 18 and in love and when that happens all the rest of it is meaningless. When you think of it, her BF is in college and he's spending free time with her instead of partying or maybe hanging out with other girls on campus. I'd say he's pretty obsessed too...

There are many things involved here. The relationship is fairly new. Her BF is away at college. She's probably also not too secure in that fact ie "out of sight out of mind" (and he's probably worried about that too...).

However, even though it may be natural and not entirely atypical, that doesn't mean she should be blowing off school and sports and work. She might want to be with her BF, which is all well and good, but doing so at the expense of everything else that is important to her future isn't right. Have a calm, frank discussion with her. Remind her that this guy became her BF because of everything she is including her personal accomplishments at school and in sports. And if she puts those things at risk, what is she doing to herself? Will she become just a shadow of what he fell in love with? If she's in this for the long haul she has to stay focused on her future as well.

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 2:45am

the phrase "my house, my rules" comes to mind. They shouldn't be together at 3 am, that is over the line. Maybe once in a blue moon, if something else is going on, but not very often at all. I'd have to say the BF has to be out by midnight at the very latest. And we have a no calls at 9 policy already, so that takes care of jumping on the phone as soon as he leaves. And, still the same policy, she would have to be home by midnight. The upside to them being at your house is that you can sort of monitor what they are doing. My mom used to tell me constantly that there had to be room for the Holy Ghost, which always made me laugh, but stuck in the back of my mind, too. I'm not sure how big she thought the Holy Ghost is, but we could squish Him down between us pretty small! LOL

anyway, that's how I'd deal with that part of it. You can also put restrictions on their time. I'd say, though that if bf's mom was ok with him spending Christmas with your family, she doesn't care too much about what's going on. There is NO way I'd like my DS spend a holiday at his gf's. A few hours tops, maybe split between the 2 houses, with 2 hours there and 2 hours here, but not the whole day.

I would also remind her that friends are forever and boys are a dime a dozen. NEVER give up friends for a relationship. Friends love you and if there is a conflict between friends and a bf, they are looking out for her best interest and are trying to protect her from something she can't see for her self. I've lost many friends to a bf, when she's gotten a new bf and all of a sudden, I became dispensable. I didn't keep friends who did that, but they always tried to come back after the break up. That would be good info to just tuck away.