We are not bad parents!

Avatar for bookwormmom
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Registered: 07-22-2003
We are not bad parents!
6
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 11:55am

I was just reading through some posts and noticed someone saying that her friend had just told her she isn't a bad parent because her child did something or other.

This brings to thought the fact that we, as parents, often take on this kind of guilt. What we need to remember is that we raise our children in the best way we know how, we teach them what they needed to know and impressed on them what we think, feel and believe. What they do with that when they turn into teens and young adults is up to them. Hopefully, we have raised them to be independant, intellegent people who can make their own decisions. Yes, they are young and they do not know everything, like they may think they do. But who of us does know it all, even though we may think we do too? How would they ever learn if we did it all for them and made all the decisions for them? Would they ever be independant adults? This is our conundrum (is that spelled right?) We want they to grow up, yet we don't want them to make any "bad" decisions. We want them to be happy and healthy, but how can they learn what they want in life to be happy if they don't try different things? And when they make mistakes, we have to hope they learn from them. When they make mistakes or do something that we disagree with, it is not because we are bad parents, it is because they are their own person and this is the decision they made.
After all do we do everything the way our parents did, have we never done anything that our parents wouldn't have done or would not agree with or approve of? I think we all know the answer to that.
I think there are a lot of people who quickly say "What kind of parents does that kid have?" The answer may very well be "Good ones" but they are kids and kids will do what kids will do. I am not saying that we should just let them do whatever they do with no consequences, what I am saying is that we shouldn't feel guilty or like bad parents because our kids do something we don't agree with. If you did your best to teach your child what you believe, what you value, what you think is right in life, then you souldn't be feeling guilty if your child does something "wrong" We need to learn to deal with the situation and not lay a guilt trip on ourselves. Like they should be doing, we need to learn from the mistake.
Personally, I have over the years asked myself what I did wrong when my kids don't act the way I want them to. When Kelsie talks back and acts disrespectful, I wonder why she does this when we taught her different, why Jaryd doesn't do what we tell him to do when we taught him different, why do the clothes go on the floor and not down the chute, why is her room a mess, we didn't teach them that?!?!? I could go on and on and the answer I think is "they are teenagers" and that's how teens are, and kids in general. They are asserting their independance and are trying to grow up, they are looking to see what they can and can't do that will work for them.
SO, all this is to say, don't feel like you are a bad parent just because your child doesn't do exactly as you think they should. Chances are you are a very good parent, you just have to learn that and let them learn too.
I hope this all makes sense, I hope I didn't repeat myself too much. It was just something I needed to say.
Thanks for listening,
Kristie

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Avatar for jbgattuso
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Registered: 04-29-2003
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 5:30pm

Kristie,

You said it all very well!!! I must admit that I find myself trying to talk myself out of that guilt at least once a week LOL. I told a friend the other day that I was working so hard on "letting go" and keeping my fingers crossed that somewhere, all the things that I tried to instill in my children will pop into my kids heads when they need it most. I also added though...."I'm trying to let go" I haven't perfected it yet :)

Julie

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Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 5:49pm

Well said Kristie!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 6:10pm

Amen to that! My God, if I felt guilty for every little thing my dds have done wrong over the years, every impulsive action or mistake, I should have just gone out back and built my own cross. J/K - lol

I think you're correct, many parents take on thier kids' lapse in judgement as thier own and that's not okay. I know I have at time felt embarrassed or maybe slightly guilty when meeting other parents in line at the checkout when dd has done something wrong - as if I was right there with her doing the wrong thing! For instance, back in her sophomore year of HS, she and two other friends threw a match into a garbage can in the girls room at the school. Well, inevitably, it went up in flames immediately and the school was evacuated, they were out in the cold for over an hour, the work crew that was doing the renovation had to be pulled out of rafters - it was a big to-do. Dd was the only girl who came forward and confessed to the vice principal. She got suspended for 5 days and had to do a community service project for the town's juvenile review board. It was a big deal and H and I had to attend the JRB meetings alongside dd - actually sit up in front of the room with her. Did we light the match? Anyway, dd 'did her time' and life went on. There were a few parents in town who looked at us sideways from then on and some who never spoke to us again. Oh well, thier loss. DD was and is not a deviate and she DID come clean after an hour while the other two did not. Guess what thier punishment was? 2 3-hour detentions. That's it. DD learned that it doesn't pay to be honest. I had to talk about that a long time to help her see that telling the truth was the right thing.

It's hard not to feel guilty when your kids do something stupid or wrong because everyone is always looking and judging. But, we have to stop it. You are right on.

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Registered: 02-14-2000
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 11:24pm
Thank you Kristie - you are absolutely right. I think most of us are doing the best we can to raise healthy, balanced, responsible young adults. I know that logically. But I still feel that if only I would have done something differently Jason wouldn't be struggling with an eating disorder, Justin would be more motivated, focused, and involved, etc. Frankly - I feel somewhat like a failure as a parent.


Pam - Ivillage Community Leader

CL:
Pam
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Registered: 11-13-2004
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 12:10am

Pam, when DS1 had flu symptoms at 16 months, DW called the doctor. She was told to give him plenty of fluids, carefully watch his temp, and wait it out. We didn't know he had contracted meningitis until she insisted he be brought in the next day, even then they didn't test for this as a matter of routine. About a week later we were brought to "the room" where a staff of professionals tried to prepare us that our son was most likely not going to live much longer. DS1 is now 26 years old.
The doctor's initial advice was reasonable, DW's actions were responsible, yet to this day she carries this nagging guilt about waiting one day.
Logically, she knows it makes no sense, but it's there...under the surface and will be for the rest of her life. No amount of explanation from medical professionals, nor encouragement, logic, or understanding from me can ever make this go away.

"If only I had done something differently" is a powerfully negative statement that needs to be stricken from our repertoire. I only wish I knew how.
All I can do is tell you (and her) that our kids are truly blessed to have mothers like yourselves.

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Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 8:28am

Although I know I am not a bad parent, nor am I a bad person I am self-aware enough to understand that some of the parenting decisions I make are all about the baggage and anxieties I have vs the situation at hand. I may not know it at the time but I know it later and that is where my guilt comes from. I try very hard not to project MY personality and MY issues on my kids but it would take a very extraordinary person not to do that.

Today for example I told my dd she could not go to a local waterpark with a friend. I am usually ok with her being out with friends but this was an exception. Why? She can't swim. Now I know there are lifeguards and I know waterpark rides are generally in shallow waters etc. But this sort of thing makes me really uncomfortable. I know where my anxiety comes from. When I was a teen my neighbours teenage son drowned at a friends pool party. He couldn't swim and while he didn't go into the pool, kids fooling around pushed him in and they were too stupid and too ignorant to notice he couldn't get out until it was too late. He was in a coma for 6 weeks before dieing. The image of him in his hospital bed and the image of his parents crying at his funeral will stick with me forever. I can swim but my daughter is very scared of the water and despite many attempts at swimming lessons, never learned.

Now I know I may be unreasonable about this and that she will likely be okay but my anxieties are part of the issue. That's when I feel most guilty about parenting decisions.