weenie boy update....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
weenie boy update....
11
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 11:30pm

Dads and daughters..... Where do I start... how do I condense this into the proper words..
Our two boys are 7 years and 9 years older than DD. There are not many girls in our extended family. She was not an accident.
Other than DW, she is the absolute joy and gift from God in my life. I am careful not to be her "buddy", but I completely (well... 95% of the time) enjoy the time spent with her. I know I am not buffaloed when she tells me she chooses to be alcohol and drug free. Seeing some of her brother's struggles has impacted her on that decision.
She seems to be honest with me as far as I can tell regarding what she's doing and where she is.
Enter Weenie boy...
A guy she briefly dated last year, then split (unsure who dumped who) because she wouldn't "put out." He's had several other sexual experiences with some of DD's friends.
He also got busted for pot. I REALLY don't get the dynamics of a group of friends who pass the boys around like a bowl of potato chips and everyone seems ok with it. Last weekend W.B., DD and one of W.B's exes who he was "intimate" with went snowboarding. Why would they all be comfortable with that? Maybe I'm getting old.

Part of the problem is, as Shels and others know, I simply have too much information. It's the bane of internet snooping. It's there... I look at it... It makes me crazy.

Outwardly, W.B. is a charming guy. Polite..plays racketball with his dad on a regular basis, goes to church each week..active in the youth group.. Works two part time jobs.
If it weren't for that d*** internet, I would probably actually tolerate this guy.

About half the info on him I get from DD. The other half from the Internet. The internet has been silent on W.B. for a long time.
Here it gets even more complicated...
DD says he was a complete jackass last year.She says hes changed. Regrets the sex. No longer drinks or does drugs. Regrets losing the best thing he's ever had in his life.. ya de ya de ya...She is now going back out with him.
I'm delighted that this boy has mended his evil ways, but this is *MY* DD we're talking about here.
DD has been upset with my reaction to this. She doesn't get I trust HER not HIM. My intense dislike for her "boyfriend" is probably making him more attractive. She has outright told me she has "no intention of screwing him." (Is there a shudder icon?)
So.. I think I'm being too overprotective. She needs to be allowed to find out if this guy is sincere or not. I'm just having a REALLY hard time letting go.
I need some words of wisdom and perspective. Is it time to let go? Ladies..have your DH's gone through any of this? It's not some macho BS..daughters turn us into protectors. Hopefully we can remain non-violent.. lol

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 6:32am

Daddioe,


I don't know if it's overprotective, but it's pretty normal I think.... daddy wants to protect his baby girl. ;)

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 8:49am

daddio, I forget how old your dd is. So many thoughts ran through my head while reading your post. I could relate to a lot of your concerns.

First, I have to say that our parents never knew half of what we or our friends were doing, despite what they think they knew....they were really in the dark. With the internet and all this 'open communication' between our generation of parents and teens, we as parents just know MORE - some of that knowledge could be from our own remembrances of our own teen years or simply because nothing is taboo anymore...you get the idea.

Here is what I think: I think that you're not being overprotective in your concerns about WB, however, your dd sounds like she's fairly mature and knows what she's getting into with WB. I see more and more kids of this generation being very casual about dating and seeing guys/girls that they know thier buddies have slept with. I don't get it, but I'm not 16/17...besides I had my chance already (lol).

I think that keeping the communication open (there it is again) with your dd is KEY right now, but allowing her the opportunity to explore this situation on her own is also KEY to her own development. How else will she learn how to set boundaries with potential partners if we as parents are always dog watching over them, trying to protect them from things they possibly NEED to experience. Do you know what I mean? I'm not saying you should 'drop the ball' but I do think you need to take a step back and keep your fingers crossed that everything you've taught your dear daughter stays with her and it comes to her at just the right moment. And reassure her that you're willing to give her the space she needs, but that you're there for her should she need you to lean on.

Hugs - I'd say this is the toughest part of raising kids. Learning when to let them make thier own choices even when you know it's not the right one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 9:40am

When you figure out a good formula for "letting go", patent that thing and become a millionaire!! I will let you use me as a test dummy. My DD recently broke up with her b/f and got back together with him and no, I really don't like him b/c, like you, I know too much about him. On the surface, he looks like a good kid - church going, hunts with his dad, loves his mom, mows his grandpa's yard in the summer, etc. but the boy drinks like a fish. He also gets mean (not violent but mean) when he's been drinking. If I didn't know that about him, I would think he was an angel sent from heaven just for my DD but I do know and I have a hard time letting go of that fact. I know about this mean streak from hearing her arguing with him on the phone at 2:00 on a Sunday morning (several times). I hear her start to yell. I get up and go stand outside her door and "snoop". I had to quit that. Now when she gets loud and wakes me up, I roll over, pick up the extension and tell her it's too late to be on the phone and to go to bed.

DD tried drinking a few times with him but hasn't drank in a long time (not sure if she realized the problem or just got tired of getting caught). Next fall, she will leave home and go to college with this jerk. I have to learn to let go.

I've had to quit snooping and it's hard b/c there is a part of you that says that you are doing it to protect your DD from herself and her own innocence and the protecting is part of our responsibility as a parent. However, it is also part of our responsibility to let them make their own mistakes and be there to help them through the mistakes. Now do me a favor and save this and send it back to me when I need to hear it b/c it is real easy to say it when it's someone else's child.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 10:17am

I'll echo the posters who assure you you're not being overprotective. You're simply acting on the knowledge you have - only half of which your dd is privy to your having. So of course she doesn't "get it". I was an internet snooper when dd was on - and I will be again if she ever goes back online. And, yes, there is a price to pay when you snoop. You have to live with what you know.

The only advice I can give you is from the perspective of a former teenage girl who was involved with her very own weenie boy. My dad was fairly vocal about MWB (my weenie boy) and, in my stubborn teenageness, I was unable to turn to my parents when I truly needed them. He started out being jealous, then mean, then abusive. Abusive to the point that he threatened my life and the lives of my parents. I moved to Florida to get away from him. My parents went to their graves not knowing. Your dd is younger than I was, most likely smarter than I was and it doesn't sound like her situation is anywhere near as volitile. But, if she is a normal teenage girl then she probably has a case of stubborn teenageness. It may be that letting go a little will be the key to being the person she runs to when she wises up about weenie boy.

Sometimes with teens, it isn't what you say that matters as much as what you don't say.

Good luck, daddioe!

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 10:27am

We don't have experience with teenage girls but I know how hard it is to let go.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 10:38am

Sorry, daddieo, I forgot your DD is only 14. Mine is 17 and I tend to forget about that. I would probably continue to snoop at that age but you do have to deal with what you know. I would limit her time with him to at our home or at school or maybe the movies although I've learned (through snooping) that they can go pretty far physically in a movie theater!

Good Luck!!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 11:35am
Yikes! 14? I don't take back EVERYTHING I said, but at her age, NO I do not think you're being overprotective - at all. For some reason, I thought she was 16+. Being 14 changes things. She's still very young, IMO, to be dating at all, but since she has, it makes your job even more difficult. Keeping your eye on things is important here. She may not have the strength and reasoning to say NO when and if the time comes to WB.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 12:34pm

DD is actually 15. A fairly mature 15...but still 15. All of her peer group seems to be "dating" with various levels of supervision.

Thank you for your replies. I'll have more time later to collect my thoughts. I'm working from home today and have contractors making an incredible amount of noise and mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 11:26pm

There is simply too much going on right now..

I need to handle this better. I must no longer refer to him as weenie boy. This kid likes my DD and she likes him, so I need to at least respect that.
I also need to realize she is in control of her relationships. Maybe all that talking pays off..maybe not. She is trying to tell me in her own exasperated 15 yr. old way that she is not going to let anything happen that is wrong. She is not going outside her values to "please" some guy.
There will still be reasonable restrictions on where and how time will be spent with him, but it would be a mistake to not allow her to experience how this develops by herself, in her own way.
Good God..this is hard for me..

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 8:33am

Daddio, I think you're doing the right thing. Simple common sense precautions while your 15dd (alebit mature 15) is dating is great. Going over the line and not allowing her the opportunity to make certain choices in her own time is micromanaging her and in the long run, IMO, does more damage than her getting herself hurt emotionally by this boy.

I agree, you do have to stop referring to him as weenie boy. He is the choice of her affections as of right now and you do have to respect that. My 18dd went back with her BF who I like well enough, but the issue has always been that he's a controller and keeps tabs on dd and gets pissed when she hangs with her guy friends. I've done all my coaching and now it's up to my dd to do what she has to do. I am VERY pleased to report that she has actually set up some really strong boundaries and has limited thier time together, she hangs with other friends, and she's taking care of herself.

I think that with all the communication you've had with your dd, she will know how to follow her instincts when the time comes. If she's ready and there is trust between her and Bf, she will do what is right for her. And not without regard for all of your input over the past few years.

Hugs -

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