well he's definetly having sex!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
well he's definetly having sex!
22
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 1:26pm

I wrote about my 17 yr old son yesterday and after confronting him he's admitted it. We had a 30 minute talk or so and I listed all the obvious reasons that he and she should not be doing this, very calmly I might add and he said that basically he disgreed because they are using two forms of bcontrol and he did not see the problem.

As a parent I was completely disgusted. I mean really what is there I can do. I acted adult and remained calm, but honestly I felt like I was over a barrell on this. About all I can do is not let me house be a place they can do this, and as for the car, well, I suppose I could take it away, but that seem extreme...he does pay us monthly to use it...

So in the end I told him thanks for being honest, but that he would notice that I was not all the excited about him, because I felt what they were doing was just plain stupid and wrong, and that further, my affection for her was gone as well. And today I've been very cold to him, and honestly, I know some of you might think that's not right, but I really don't feel like being any other way. When you have to accept that your under 18 yr old is doing something you don't approve of, who in their right mind could go about acting as though everything were just fine.

Oh and by the way, I told him I had 4 kids and was not interested in raising any more at the moment so if their little plan goes awry, they are on their own.

Feel free to comment, I'm just disgusted.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 2:14pm

I think it's normal to be disappointed. I think it's normal to give him the cold shoulder for a few days

Feeling less affection for him? I think you might be mixing your emotions up because they are swirling right now

I love my kids no matter what they do but I certainly dont love their actions. My biggest frustration in the tatoo thing

Yikes! My oldest started at 18 and has several now at 22, including two around his wrists. I asked that he PLEASE not put them in a place that would be visible to a potential employer but...no good! It's frustrating and I am disappointed. It's also something I never expected because I have this macho impression of tatoos and my oldest is s skinny old computer nerd-LOL.

But I love him; I just hate the tatoos!

Your son waited until he was in a committed relationship and he is using BC and he is 17. Read through some old threads about the 14 yr olds and the lack of protections and the one night stands. It might help with a little perspective. These are all good parents-stuff happens!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 2:52pm

Many gentle hugs to you Molly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 3:06pm
I'm sorry.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 3:12pm

Yes I'm sure the mother knows, she a real beauty herself and had to help her daughter get the birth control and while I think even she would not be in favor of this, she is a real pushover and does not seem to be all that stable herself.

I know, I realize that giving him the cold shoulder is bad, I'm sure I'll loosen up in a day or two and yes you're right I would hate myself if something happened to him, but he knows I love him, I tell him all the time, but right now I just don't have the energy to be around him.

And even though she's a nice girl, she's making me mad at the moment too.

But thanks for your share, it's nice to know they all do these things eventually, I guess otherwise it would be a different world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 3:14pm
thanks all for your wise words
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 3:57pm

{{{Hugs}}}

It's so hard when we first find out our kids are sexually active. And being mad at him and his g/f is very normal. And, although you will never really be "ok" with them having sex, your love for your son will eventually override your disgust at what he's doing.

You mentioned in another post that you are also "disgusted that our society and our world has made young people think that they are entitled to enjoy this part of life as long as they protect themselves!"

As normal as that reaction is, kids have been having sex outside of marriage for a very long time. I'm just glad that our society now allows kids TO protect themselves from pregnancy and STDs, rather than shipping our daughters off to homes for unwed mothers (which, btw, was where I was born), or forcing our child to wed someone simply because they got in the "family way". I don't even want to think about the STD thing if our kids couldn't protect themselves.

Don't get me wrong, I don't like the idea of my kids having sex any more than the next person. I spent a lot of time talking to my kids about NOT having sex, but once the older became sexually active, I was at least relieved that he was protecting himself and his g/f as much as possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 4:22pm

As normal as that reaction is, kids have been having sex outside of marriage for a very long time. I'm just glad that our society now allows kids TO protect themselves from pregnancy and STDs


Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 4:29pm

I feel for you :) I'm sending hugs and hopefully feelings of peace. My DS 16 is still holding out at this point, but is in a realationship of 7 months now with a girl 2 yrs older who not only has had sex, but an abortion too :( We don't care for this girl at all and are just trying not to make son act like "romeo and juliette" so we are just sitting back and trying to "wait it out". Luckily her mother doesn't allow them to be alone at their house and we don't allow it here, but realistically we know if they want to they will find a way. DS says he still believes in waiting till he is married, but sometimes I wonder if that isn't just what he thinks we want to hear...which is funny cause neither my DH or I waited till we were married.

Anyhow, I know I'm not saying anything helpful, but I wanted you to know that "sick to my stomach" is the way I know I will feel when I find out the "deed has been done" :)

Try and take care of yourself and remember he is that sweet little boy you brought into this wacky world :)

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 4:41pm

I honestly do not understand why you are so upset over this. Your son is 17 and in a relationship. You said he was a senior, how close to 18 is he? As soon as he is 18 he is an adult and can make his own decisions. Do you not want him to have sex until he is 30?

I started having sex at 15 and I have never had an STD or pregnancy. I in fact married the guy I lost my virginity to.

I do think you are wrong for giving him the cold shoulder and for no longer liking his girlfriend. Acting cold towards him is a good way to ruin your relationship and make it so he never tells you personal details again. My mother was not happy when she found out, she told me she was disappointed, we talked and that was that, she did not ignore me or act mad for days afterwards. What is the point of that?

As for taking the car away, again a good way to sever your good relationship. He will never trust you to tell you anything personal again because he will be punished for it.

If they are using two forms of BC it is unlikely a pregnancy would happen.

If you say he is a good kid, with good grades, a job, and they have been dating 9 months I would calm down a bit. Trust me there is a lot worse things he could be doing!

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 5:23pm

Dear Seirith, I noticed on your profile that you could ask about being child free. Is that still the case are you still child free? I think that because you don't want children I think that your feelings on this matter might be different. You talked about how your mother handled it, sounds good, but I would guess if you asked her now, she might tell you how awful she really felt inside. Just my thoughts, but it truely is a different feeling when your child does many differnet things in life :) I get what you're saying, but I know that I feel totally different about my sons or daughter doing some of the same things that I did myself :) ie; I never wore a bike helmet when I was growing up, but I know that my kids are safer so I make them wear them. I know it may sound hypocritical, but it IS reality. Feelings are Feelings.

Julie




Edited 6/9/2007 5:53 pm ET by jbgattuso

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