well he's definetly having sex!
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| Sat, 06-09-2007 - 1:26pm |
I wrote about my 17 yr old son yesterday and after confronting him he's admitted it. We had a 30 minute talk or so and I listed all the obvious reasons that he and she should not be doing this, very calmly I might add and he said that basically he disgreed because they are using two forms of bcontrol and he did not see the problem.
As a parent I was completely disgusted. I mean really what is there I can do. I acted adult and remained calm, but honestly I felt like I was over a barrell on this. About all I can do is not let me house be a place they can do this, and as for the car, well, I suppose I could take it away, but that seem extreme...he does pay us monthly to use it...
So in the end I told him thanks for being honest, but that he would notice that I was not all the excited about him, because I felt what they were doing was just plain stupid and wrong, and that further, my affection for her was gone as well. And today I've been very cold to him, and honestly, I know some of you might think that's not right, but I really don't feel like being any other way. When you have to accept that your under 18 yr old is doing something you don't approve of, who in their right mind could go about acting as though everything were just fine.
Oh and by the way, I told him I had 4 kids and was not interested in raising any more at the moment so if their little plan goes awry, they are on their own.
Feel free to comment, I'm just disgusted.

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Well even though we all know that eventually our kids will grow up to become adults and sexually active, when something like this comes hurtling towards us at light speed while they are still teenagers, it has got to be overwhelming.
Things change sooooo fast at this time of their lives. One minute they are 12 years old, still little kids who cry when upset and want to snuggle up to you on the couch while watching TV, and the next minute they are dating and falling in love. And while its wonderful that they fall in love because we all know how great that feels when it happens for the first time, its scary because we know that they are growing up so fast.
Their bodies and their feelings are motivating them to go further than those first innocent kisses. The generations before us celebrated things like bar or batmitzvahs and quincineras and sweet 16's and debutante parties because in those generations by the time they were finished being teenagers they were ready to be married and start families. And that wasn't so long ago!!! My mother in law was married at 18. She had her kids in her early 20's. Her cousin was 16 when she was married.
So here we are barely 40, 50 years later. And we see our teenagers as children. They still have so much before them. They have to finish high school and then university and then get jobs and start their careers. Heck, many people aren't even marrying before they are 30 now. And this shift has happened in half a century.
But that doesn't mean our teenagers' bodies have changed. The hormones and the urges and desires kick in pretty much at the same time our parents and grandparents did. But they could "wait" because they were 16, 17, 18 and getting married. Our kids just see another decade before them before they can get married. So they act...and WE as parents can't possibly be ready for it.
We keep our kids "childlike" for alot longer than our parents did. So we still see them as children. I understand your feelings of disappointment and disgust. How could that sweet boy who was just a couple of years ago was barely capable of dressing himself and now is involved in a sexual relationship?!
Just hang in there. And don't be ashamed of what you feel -- you can't help it. Just allow yourself some time to process all that has happened around you at lightening speed!!!
I totally agree.
Eighteen months ago, I watched my DS and DIL marry - they were both 21 y/o and so many people commented that they were so very young to be getting married.
You all raise many good points, and it has really helped me with this adjustment. I think that yes hormones are raging, but we can't forget that there are alot of teens who are not having sex so it is really still choice isn't it. And I realize that I'm asking alot of my son to abstain, but then I've asked alot of my kids to date and I happen to think it's why they've turned out so well so far. And I've given alot of myself and worked very hard at mothering (which I feel priveledged to do by the way). But I'm beyond seeing this as a failure of mine, teenagers do things that more mature adults might not given the same circumstances and they have to live with their choices...
I think I'm justified to feel as I do, and I realize that my reactions will not change his mind, that's not why I am distant to him. But when you do something that you know is totally against what your mom and dad wish, you have to accept that they may not be proud or happy. Relationships are a two way street. If people got to go about life and do whatever they felt regardless of other's the world would be very different. I actually think it's asking too much of parents these days to put aside their feelings and hide (because that's what I think some people do) their emotions out of fear that their kids might think for one minute that they don't love them. He's a smart boy, he knows that he's let us down. He may have to decide if it was worth it.
And I agree with the young woman who said that in the big scheme of things, this is not what I should be getting all worked up over. She's right, it could be alot worse. But I'm not kicking and screaming, I'm not denying him any priveleges. And you know how even the best kids at this age need to break away from their parents. So this is one way for him to establish his independence. I get that. But I don't have to like it. As for the girlfriend. She's okay, I've always treated her with respect, but again she's not my daughter in law, you know?
I think that this I know for sure. When your children are young, spend time with them, love em like crazy (I still have an 8 yr old), discipline them well, and educate them on all things possible. But when they get to be teenagers, try to enjoy the things you both like, spend time together when you can, but once they find what they think is their true love, you have to realize that they are off on another planet. And the relationship changes. I've accepted that, but I don't always like it. And I think this is a big enough issue to have a temporary dislike.
Okay, again thanks all you are very smart and wonderful women.
xoxo
You make a very good point. My mother, was and is a very emotionally expressive person. In fact, some might say she's quite "dramatic" and she wears her heart on her sleeve more often than not.
She used to say to me, when we were growing up and she was upset about something, that we needed to understand that she was human too, a person with feelings and emotions. She wasn't a machine and we had to learn how to deal with the fact that she was going to let us all know how she felt.
Well, admittedly, growing up it drove me crazy. And as a person who wasn't that expressive and was and is more moderate in my own feelings, it made me uncomfortable to be at the receiving end of her "feelings". It also drove me to believe that I could never be good enough and that I was always disappointing her. I walked on eggshells alot because I didn't want her to be so upset with me.
So, sure, let your kids know you are disappointed but be congnizant of the fact that while you may find relief in expressing yourself it may be at the expense of others' well-being.
Well, then I guess we will disagree, not all teenagers are irresponsible and stupid, I agree most are to young to handle it but some are not. I never ever had unprotected sex, I was smart enough to know that I didn't want a child at 15.
I was mature enough to handle a relationship at 15. I finished high school and college with a 3.75 GPA and did a lot better and was a lot happier than most teens in my school at the time.
Dear Seirith,
I tried in my last post to be polite, but you didn't answer me back. Now, I'm going to point blank ask you a question. Are you here looking for Debate? I followed your profile, your myspace and your favorite boards. You are Not a mother of a teen or anyone for that matter by choice, you are not a teen now, so I am not sure what you think your input on this subject is for. You have also stated on the abortion debate board that you and you DH would have an abortion if you ever did get pregnant. We are parents of teens here. I think most of us have also realized that many of our thoughts and opinions have changed on certain things since we were teenagers. Anyhow, I'm just not sure why you would even post here?
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