Well I finally laid down the law
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| Fri, 08-17-2007 - 12:26pm |
Hey all, This is an epic so only read on if you can handle a bit of babbling :)
Some of you have heard some of my saga with DS and his GF that my DH and I don't like. It is more than not liking a girl, it is the fact that we don't believe that this relationship is good for our son. I was up all last night, after yet another big blow up between DS and I. About 5:100 a.m. this morning, it hit me like a lighting strike. All this time, I have been saying, well, there is nothing I can do about this except wait it out. She hasn't done anything against the law (except have sex with my son who is 16 and the legal age of consent is 17 here in Texas), but we have many reasons why we just don't feel that a healthy relationship for our 16 yr old son. With that said, my "lightning bolt" moment was that, I wouldn't let my son do anything else that I didn't feel was good for him. ie: drinking, drugs, having male friends who were not good for him, (you get the idea).....so why do I have such a hard time just NOT LETTING him date this girl that is two yrs older? Well, Why, becuase I actully care too much about how my son feels about me and his father and his family, and I was letting my child manipulate that with his "love" for his GF.
Well, After this "lighting strike" I thought to myself, ok, I know what I am doing wrong, how do I correct it. I thought about the fact that what my DS and his GF have done over the last 8 months is try and take away my ability and right to parent my child. He can't have it both ways. He either is a child and wants to be a child, continuing to learn from his own mistakes while also letting his parents guide him through certain things in life for his own good, or he wants to be an adult. He and his GF think that they know what is best for him/them and that they are "adults" and should be treated that way.
OK, so dont laugh that I finally realized that I could take my highly priviledged child and let him know that if he were going to choose to be that adult, then he and GF would need to really understand reality.
When DS was on his way out the door this morning for his rehersal and ready to get into the brand new car that we purchased him (paying gas,insurance,and car payments) he went to pick his cell phone(bought and paid for by us)up off of the table and I said...wait, we have to talk.
I told DS all of the things that I have written above and then went on to say that if you and GF (who is leaving for college next Wed) want to continue this relationship and continue to try and take our "parenting capabilities" away from dad and I, then we are going to take all of the "privilige" out of your childhood. We wanted to raise you in a way that you could enjoy your childhood and have really your only responsiblities to be to better yourself, do well in school, grow up and go off to college and on to adulthood all the while being loved and parented by dad and I. I went on to tell him that if he was going to choose this GF and not except that maybe his dad and I might know when something isn't good for a child, then he was really going to start being an adult. Now, I did tell him that we would house him, clothe him, feed him and even still pay for his college education if he made it that far, but that we would no longer let him live the life of "privilege". That means go get a job, sorry if you can't work and do your extra cirricular activites, sorry if that means your grades suffer and you don't get into the college of your choice, sorry if that means you don't have a phone, car, computer, entertainment, tv, vidio games, etc....... until you have the money to pay for it, but YOU are chosing to be an adult and I guess I have made major mistakes in you not understand what the reality is. It is now your choice to continue dating this girl or realize that you are just a teen that still needs the guidence of your parents.
He was ready at that moment to break up with his GF, he said, I don't want those things for my life and I don't want to feel like you and dad have abandoned me. I told him, to go to rehersal and think about it today and make his decision. I also told him it would not be dad and I abandoning him, but him deciding if he really wanted just a glimmer of what his life would be like.
Well, if you read this far, please don't laugh too hard at me, bash me too much for all previous mistakes (including spoiling my kid), but know that no matter what my son decides, I finally feel I have taken control of a situation that I needed to take control of. As silly as it may seem, these have been the worst 8 months that I can ever remember. Wow, how parenting and loving your kids can effect you,
Again, I am glad to be a member of this board, even if it is to write down what seems like a bunch of jumbled thoughts :)
Julie

Thanks Pam :) I am feeling so much better, LOL I just feel like if I can gain some control back, he will also have some freeedom back....does that make any sence :)LOL. Thanks for being a great listening ear.
Julie
Thanks :) It is hard, but I really meant what I said to him so I intend on sticking with it. We will see how it goes, but thanks for the support!!
Julie
Way to go Julie!
Good luck,
Sharon