Well I finally laid down the law

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Well I finally laid down the law
6
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 12:26pm

Hey all, This is an epic so only read on if you can handle a bit of babbling :)

Some of you have heard some of my saga with DS and his GF that my DH and I don't like. It is more than not liking a girl, it is the fact that we don't believe that this relationship is good for our son. I was up all last night, after yet another big blow up between DS and I. About 5:100 a.m. this morning, it hit me like a lighting strike. All this time, I have been saying, well, there is nothing I can do about this except wait it out. She hasn't done anything against the law (except have sex with my son who is 16 and the legal age of consent is 17 here in Texas), but we have many reasons why we just don't feel that a healthy relationship for our 16 yr old son. With that said, my "lightning bolt" moment was that, I wouldn't let my son do anything else that I didn't feel was good for him. ie: drinking, drugs, having male friends who were not good for him, (you get the idea).....so why do I have such a hard time just NOT LETTING him date this girl that is two yrs older? Well, Why, becuase I actully care too much about how my son feels about me and his father and his family, and I was letting my child manipulate that with his "love" for his GF.

Well, After this "lighting strike" I thought to myself, ok, I know what I am doing wrong, how do I correct it. I thought about the fact that what my DS and his GF have done over the last 8 months is try and take away my ability and right to parent my child. He can't have it both ways. He either is a child and wants to be a child, continuing to learn from his own mistakes while also letting his parents guide him through certain things in life for his own good, or he wants to be an adult. He and his GF think that they know what is best for him/them and that they are "adults" and should be treated that way.

OK, so dont laugh that I finally realized that I could take my highly priviledged child and let him know that if he were going to choose to be that adult, then he and GF would need to really understand reality.

When DS was on his way out the door this morning for his rehersal and ready to get into the brand new car that we purchased him (paying gas,insurance,and car payments) he went to pick his cell phone(bought and paid for by us)up off of the table and I said...wait, we have to talk.

I told DS all of the things that I have written above and then went on to say that if you and GF (who is leaving for college next Wed) want to continue this relationship and continue to try and take our "parenting capabilities" away from dad and I, then we are going to take all of the "privilige" out of your childhood. We wanted to raise you in a way that you could enjoy your childhood and have really your only responsiblities to be to better yourself, do well in school, grow up and go off to college and on to adulthood all the while being loved and parented by dad and I. I went on to tell him that if he was going to choose this GF and not except that maybe his dad and I might know when something isn't good for a child, then he was really going to start being an adult. Now, I did tell him that we would house him, clothe him, feed him and even still pay for his college education if he made it that far, but that we would no longer let him live the life of "privilege". That means go get a job, sorry if you can't work and do your extra cirricular activites, sorry if that means your grades suffer and you don't get into the college of your choice, sorry if that means you don't have a phone, car, computer, entertainment, tv, vidio games, etc....... until you have the money to pay for it, but YOU are chosing to be an adult and I guess I have made major mistakes in you not understand what the reality is. It is now your choice to continue dating this girl or realize that you are just a teen that still needs the guidence of your parents.

He was ready at that moment to break up with his GF, he said, I don't want those things for my life and I don't want to feel like you and dad have abandoned me. I told him, to go to rehersal and think about it today and make his decision. I also told him it would not be dad and I abandoning him, but him deciding if he really wanted just a glimmer of what his life would be like.

Well, if you read this far, please don't laugh too hard at me, bash me too much for all previous mistakes (including spoiling my kid), but know that no matter what my son decides, I finally feel I have taken control of a situation that I needed to take control of. As silly as it may seem, these have been the worst 8 months that I can ever remember. Wow, how parenting and loving your kids can effect you,

Again, I am glad to be a member of this board, even if it is to write down what seems like a bunch of jumbled thoughts :)

Julie

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Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 12:45pm
Good for you, Julie!
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 12:46pm
Wow, Julie, good for you. I can imagine how hard it would be to do that. We want to give our kids all of these privileges and make life easy on them, but I think your approach makes a lot of sense. They don't realize that with adult privileges come adult responsibilities. If you follow through with this, he'll be getting a strong message.
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 2:28pm

Thanks Pam :) I am feeling so much better, LOL I just feel like if I can gain some control back, he will also have some freeedom back....does that make any sence :)LOL. Thanks for being a great listening ear.

Julie

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 2:53pm

Thanks :) It is hard, but I really meant what I said to him so I intend on sticking with it. We will see how it goes, but thanks for the support!!

Julie

Avatar for sharo63
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 2:53pm
What a moment of clarity!!! I hope your son responds in a way that you cna live with. Raising teens is very tough and I sure am glad to have these boards to gain insight from...Your thoughts and ideas are ones that I will "tuck away"! I have a sneaking suspicion I will need them sooner than later, but that is another post:)
Way to go Julie!
Good luck,
Sharon
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 3:29pm
Well, I read the whole thing & here is what I have to say. I definitely think it is a bad idea to spoil your kids rotten. Of course, we all do that. Some have the ability to spoil their kids more than others, but the typical teen today gets spoiled rotten. Parents do it, grandparents do it, etc... With that being said I think it's wonderful that you have finally figured out what to do about the situation. They are so used to just getting & getting that they think it's just their right to have those things. I grew up just fine and my parents NEVER bought me a car (so no gas or insurance was needed), I didn't have a cell phone, we didn't have video games, etc... We had chores to do EVERY day (even though at the time I thought it was torture... I have 7 brothers & sisters + parents. That's alot of people to clean up after) If we didn't do what was expected of us there were consequences. We didn't lay around all day or all weekend watching cartoons. We were only allowed a certain amount of t.v. time a day. Oh I thought my dad was so mean, but now I see clearly. It just kills me when my kids say they hate me or yell & scream, but I know that they do it just to get my attention. Boy do they get it sometimes!! Ha! We want them to have things. We want them to enjoy life more than we did at their age. We need to be more of a parent & less of a friend. The hard part is actually sticking to your guns & meaning what you said. It is so tough & if you're like me you'll probably cry your eyes out, but if you say it & don't back it up it's useless. Sounds like he needs to break up w/ his girlfriend & choose better friends. Hopefully you really caught his attention. I took my son (the one who causes the most problems) on a mission trip to Romania almost (2) years ago. WOW, did he see how fortunate he was. Those kids didn't have anything that he thought was his RIGHT as a child to have. Of course he slips sometimes, but it was really an eye opener. Maybe that is something you could check into. They go on a mission trip every year, but that one was a major eye opener. Make a believer out of your son. This will also set an example to your other children that mom & dad mean what they say & maybe you won't have the same problems out of them. Good luck. I'll be curious to see how it all works out. I'll be praying for you. God Bless!