What age to date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
What age to date?
12
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:32am
My daughter 1s 14 1/2, and has a couple of boys interested in her at school. No one has asked her out yet, but her friends have told her "so and so thinks you're cute" etc...
I am scared to death of the thought of her riding in a teenaged boy's car, more than anything else. We have talked regularly and fairly extensively about sex and the consequences. I have a 2 year old daughter who has been sort of difficult to raise (in addition to two other children), so she has seen how hard it is to have a baby, and I think that has helped. I am not AS worried about the sex part (but I realize we need to have an open communication on that) as I am with her going in someone's car. I just remember how crazy guys were when I was young, and we live in an area with curvy back roads.
I know I will have to let her get into someone's car sooner or later. This all just feels so weird to me as a mom!!! Right now, the rule I came up with is, at first, she can go to the boy's house as long as his parents are there (and I WILL talk to them) or vice versa, or if they want to go somewhere, I'll happily chauffeur. I want to get to know the boy a bit before she goes jaunting off in his car somewhere. She seems okay with the rules, but I am not sure how that will change once she actually gets asked out.
Moms...what have you done with your daughters at the start of their dating experiences?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:58am
I only have boys but our rule as far as riding with other teens - they are not allowed to ride with a teenager that has had his/her license for less than 6 months.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 11:10am

I think 14.5 is waaay to young for any teen to be out on a one-on-one date -- boy or girl. Going out in groups is fine, if the group is somewhat chaperoned, and at that age, someone is going to have to do the driving. As far as a 14.5yo getting into a car alone with a 16 or 17yo -- no chance of that happening here.

On the other hand ... I think that if your DD meets someone that she is interested in spending time with, (this is something I've told my own DD as well since she isn't of 'dating' age yet either) that whoever it is she is interested in is welcome to spend time with her at our home, or with us as a family, because I would not want her sneaking around and lying to me meet up with someone because she officially can't 'date'. (This came up because a friend of hers used my DD's invitation to go ice skating to meet up with a boy who was interested in her, but whom she was not allowed to date. I knew about this girls' arrangement with the boy ahead of time and felt terribly guilty about participating in her deceit, since I drove her to the ice skating rink! It did give me the opportunity to speak to my own DD about it though.)

Just my thoughts.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 11:47am

I have boys who tend to mature late socially so I never had to set limits on dating. I am more in the position of having to encourage dating than avoid it

DS1 didnt date until after high school and DS3 who is a freshman will probably follow close to that path

DS2 dated in groups as a sophomore and I have to say that was comfortable for me. I think earlier or too much one on one would have been too early for my taste.

I would drop him off at a movie with a group or 6-8 boy/girl mixes would go to someone's home; fairs and school events are also good for this

Driving terrifies me! I was a wreck with my first getting his license and not a whole lot better with the second

I wholeheartedly agree with Pam. Here in IL they cannot legally take anyone in the car excpet siblings for 6 mos but I think it's enforced only after another infraction(or accident; our community just had a fatal one 2 weeks age with a new driver and three teen passengers)

Offer to drive and be sure you disappear. With the price of gas, they'd be wise to appreciate the offer and you might want to mention that

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 12:01pm
Thanks everyone...
it's so hard to know what to do. Any boy who wants to date her will just have to understand and abide by the rules and if he doesn't like her enough to be cool with it, then he wasn't worth it. My daughter is kind of aloof, and is not a boy-chaser by any means, so if a guy won't follow the rules to hang with her, she'll probably tell him to hit the road anyway.
I'm thinking a year of driving is more what I'll adhere to. Here, they get their permits at 15, and licenses at 16, but I think closer to 17 for her to go in the car is best. So, in about another year from now that might happen. ugh, it's so scary.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 12:35pm

Luckily my DD's first b/f didn't drive and his grandparents were older so I did ALL the driving. That was one of his two positive traits - downhill from there. Second b/f was old enough to drive and we have the curvy backroad issue but in his case, he drove a really big old truck that won't go over 45 so I didn't worry much about that. I made the mistake of giving DD too much freedom too early and then had to reel her back in. It is so much easier to loosen the reins as she earns your trust. I just blindly gave it to her b/c she had broken it. I failed to realize she had never been in an unchaperoned position (boys in cars) and that she hadn't broken my trust b/c she never had the opportunity.

In theory the rule about parent's being home is a good one. However, two things I also learned the hard way - parents often say one thing and do another. DD's mom assured me that if they were allowed in his room, the door would remain open at all times but failed to mention the basement den was totally unsupervised and that the door remained shut. Second thing I learned the hard way, is how do you know you are talking to a parent? DD actually got one of her b/f's older male friend to pretend to be the dad. He was good and fooled DH. This is an extreme situation but one I use to once again point out the need to earn the trust.

Good Luck and have fun!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 3:34pm

Similar to others, in California it is against the law for anyone under 18 who has not had their license for more than a year (it used to be six months) cannot drive between the hours of 12 am and 5 am, and cannot drive anyone under 20, with the exception of siblings. Depending on what the laws are in your state, you may have the law on your side.

And by the way, I have a teenage boy so I do know what you mean, but I don't appreciate the rather sexist nature of this comment directed to boys being the "crazy drivers". I've seen some girls who have a lead foot as well, so don't just base it on gender alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 3:43pm

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True, true, true! I've was tailgated by a female teenager driver over the summer. Her mother told me earlier this week that she's getting her license in a few weeks. Yikes! (Maybe they don't realize that she has to pass a driving TEST before she actually gets the license?) We really need to move out of this state -- that girl has a lead foot like none I've ever seen and I don't want to be on the same roads with her.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 5:30pm

I wasn't being sexist...I believe I said this "I just remember how crazy guys were when I was young". That is from MY personal recollection. None of my friends drove 90 MPH and acted like nuts behind the wheels, so I was merely using my teenaged experiences as a reference point. I was not stating that girls are wonderful drivers and boys are not. I also will not allow her to ride in the car with an inexperienced GIRL driver either.

I wish people on message boards would quit getting their panties in a wad over stuff that is uncalled for. hmph.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 9:13pm

My DD just turned 15 in July, her current b/f will be 16 in late December... no drivers license there, so it's not a problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 9:23pm

LOL, nope panties still smooth. I apologize if I came across too harsh, I've had a very very bad day and I think I could have phrased it a little better so as not to come off sounding quite so "pc", which I'm usually not. So, sorry about that.

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