what can i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
what can i do?
8
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 11:17am

I have a 13 year old daughter and a 15 year old son ( we also have a 2 yr old, 6 yr old & 10 yr old) Our teenagers are driving is nuts! My 13 year old thinks she knows everything. she is very disrespectful to me, her step-father and other adults. She has been caught twice now sneaking out of the house and not being where she is supposed to be.
She doesn't seem to think that the 2nd time was a big deal because it was right next door.
She was supposed to be spending the night at her friends (right next door to us) and I got a call at 1 a.m. from my friend 2 doors down that she was spitting on their window and yelling and carrying on w/ some friends. I walked down there and found her in another friends house and told her to get her butt home. She is now grounded for a month. She thinks it's all a big joke and she can take care of herself. She says "frickin and friggin" all the time and faggot, i'm soooo sick of it.

My 15 year old does much of the same stuff except he actually says the "f" word and doesn't hold back as much as my daughter does with the language. He left the house last night sometime thru the night and wasn't in his room this morning. Whenever I catch him
in a lie he turns it around and makes it seem like I didn't see what I saw or hear what I heard. He told me he didn't think it was a big deal because he only left at 5 in the morning and it was getting light out. he didn't break curfew or anything. When i told him he was grounded for a month, he laughed at me and walked out of the house.

What can I do about these 2? Groundings and punishments just don't seem to affect them at all. They pretty much do whatever they want. My husband and I aren't home during the day and with it being summer, they do what they want. They share all of our food with the neighborhood kids, the house is a disaster area every day and them helping out is totally out of the question.

any suggestions would be great!

sarah

Sarah-mom of 5 heathens & sm to 3 heathens

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 5:28pm

You know, I believe that kids don't suddenly become disrespectful brats when they hit their teen years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 10:31am

Here's a little background. I was married to an alcoholic/abusive man. My kids watched him pound me into the ground and have no respect for me. Whenever i set boundaries and limitations on what the kids could do my husband would tell the kids "you don't need to listen her" "you can do whatever you want". When I split up with my husband I tried setting the limitations and boundaries and after years and years of being told not to listen to me, they didn't. Since I have been remarried, my husband will punish the kids but he is not their father. My ex-husband passed away. My kids have emotional problems, my 15 year old is bipolar and add, which we just found out last year. My daughter misses her father and doesn't feel that she has to do what my husband tells her because "he is not my father." "if he spanks me, I'll call children's services". So, it's hard for my husband to get too involved with the punishments because he's not their father. But, he doesn't like the way they act or talk to me. And they won't talk to him that way.

I'm just out of ideas here and not sure what to do next.

Sarah-mom of 5 heathens & sm to 3 heathens

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 1:39pm

Well, the background you gave certainly explains the kids' attitudes - their father taught them to disregard and disrespect you, and it sounds like they learned the lesson pretty well over the years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 2:19pm
We have done one on one counseling and family counseling and nothing seems to work. I also forgot to mention that my 15 yr old is bipolar and add and won't take his medication on a consistant basis.

Sarah-mom of 5 heathens & sm to 3 heathens

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 2:51pm

I am so sorry you are going through this, but based on your posts, I am not sure anyone here is going to be able to help you with too much of anything. In my opinion, you may need some "real" people help. Are there any other resources where you live that can help you with your situation? Give you some advice? Intercede on your behalf?

Many hugs,
Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 7:33am

If family and individual therapy failed, I would suggest finding a new therapist. Parenting classes, books, and specialized groups for kids may in order as well. There is a lot of information available to parents to help them find solutions for their families. Right now, your kids are being disrespectful and noncompliant. Now is the time to act. Before they get involved with addiction or sexual deviancies or something else that could completely destroy their lives. I know you're out of ideas, but there are a lot of resources out there and you just need to keep looking and trying until you find something that works.

Hang in there, this is fixable if you keep at it and get some qualified assistance, tools, and resources to help you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 12:03pm

well, this certainly explains a lot. I sympathize w/ you w/ having a child who has bipolar because my DH has it and he is very diff. to deal w/. I second the suggestion for family counselling because of the past and present issues, your kids are going to be more difficult to deal w/ than other kids.

As far as stepdad, if they only listened to him, then that wouldn't solve the problem anyway. They have to listen to you because you are their mother and what if he's not around? Besides, you don't want to make him the heavy. and I hope that noone is thinking of spanking a 13 yr old.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 1:09pm
I just wanted to send you a word of encouragement. I'm sorry I can't offer any more advice than you have already received. I am going through the exact same thing with my 15 year old daughter. I adopted her when she was 7 and she had already had a pretty rought life and was a part of a clan of people who were very aggressive, into drugs & alcohol, abuse, constantly getting in trouble with the law and going to jail. I have done everything I can to give her a loving "normal" home. She is also bipolar and mostly refuses to take her meds. We have had a hard time with her for the last several years, but it is getting worse. She has been in therapy for over a year, was arrested at 13 and 14 for different reasons. She can be a good kid when she wants and normally is a straight A student......that's probably what bothers me the most. She will go through periods of "good" then periods of "bad"....the bad is getting longer and longer and the good is almost non-existant lately. I found out yesterday that she is failing at least 2 of her classes. I have also caught her smoking several times (we don't smoke). Now I also found out yesterday that she has been sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night and spending the night next door with her 15 year old friend and her friends 17 year old brother. I don't know what I am going to do either. I have almost no control over this child anymore. She will tell me "no" when I ask her to do or not to do things. She constantly screams and yells at me and her sister. I am trying to get in touch with the parents right now to let them know she does not have my permission to be over there. I am going to take the hard line with her and call the police if she keeps getting out of line and let whatever happens, happen. I have tried everything else I know to try and SHE has left me with the only option of calling the police. I love her, but I am not doing her any any favors by letting her run wild.