What to do with 14 year old stepdaughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
What to do with 14 year old stepdaughter
3
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 12:01pm

Okay, here is a little back ground on my situation..starting with my DH and ex wife. They got married while attending college and my DH was ready for a family. Ex wife not so ready but, they ended up having a baby. To their surprise their son was born special needs and at 6 months they discovered he had generalized epilepsy. So mom had to quit work and stay home with him full time. Soon their was another child on the way a girl. My step daughter grew up feeling she was the mother of her brother. Their parents divorced 10 years ago just due to typical problems with the idea of ignoring them and they will go away solution.
DH traveled a lot for work and Ex wife began to party and drink a lot. Again their DD was left to care for her brother. She has had significant emotional problems since early child hood, low self esteem, ADD and she is over weight. So for a long time (since she was 5 or so she has pretty much done what she has wanted with no super vision). My DH philosophy is she was raised better than that (pertaining to sex and everything else teenagers feel the need to do now days).
When I met DH I was swept off my feet, he was an honest sincere man, went to church weekly, came from a good family, and seemed to be very involved with his children. The 2 years we dated before we got married were hell and I often wondered if it was worth it. My step son was worth it. He had me from hello and we still share a special bond that I don't think he has ever had with any one. My step daughter hated me from the get go and was very jealous of my daughter. The Ex wife hated me due to the step daughter. I started making my husband realize the importance of being a parent yet, we still struggle on a daily basis with this one. We worked hard to become a family but, DD and Ex wife seemed to be very persistent to act against it. Things were really bad for a long time but, I forgot and forgave to help these children out. My step son has had considerable health issues the last 2 years and his mom was finally becoming a parent. Quit drinking and took an interest in these children's lives. We became friends which in turn devastated my step daughter. It has been down hill since. She soon discovered for once we really knew what was going on at her mom's and her mom was actually telling us these things. The more I made it a point for all of us to be on the same page the more my step daughter defied us in every way. Still to this day playing us against each other.
Now to the present or last year as you will....My step daughter was to the point she failed 7th grade but, her parents let her go to the 8th grade. She started failing 8th grade before they started really thinking about what is going on with her. We have always had a problem with her at our house. She feels she doesn't have to respect anyone, listen to anyone or have to have any rules...or discipline. As soon as you or we have tried to inforce any of this, she wants to go to her moms. She hates us and is never going to come back. Mind you it has been over 4 1/2 years..
So then the lying started and the running wild at her moms, she couldn't understand why we didn't let her do all the things that her mom did. Simply because we didn't approve. We have gone to counseling, talked to doctors, social workers, psychologist you name it. Mom has insisted she doesn't but, the proof is always there that she does. We noticed last year that something was wrong and worked with her teachers and school counselors but, soon discovered that one of her friends that her mom let her hang out with was into cutting. So naturally my step daughter began cutting. She was very depressed and suicidal and didn't want no part of help. We also discovered that she was becoming sexually active and hanging out with the wrong crowd. Her first boyfriend last year was a known gang banger, we had met with the principle and school counselor about this boyfriend and we were horrified by what they told us. Her mom said he seemed nice...Then her second boyfriend that she was doing things that she shouldn't have doing with had brought a gun to school and she did these things with him while he was on house arrest. He was kicked out of school and was also sleeping with half of her friends at the same time. But, mom said they were just friends and have known each other for a long time. Things just only got worse and it was problem after problem with her and her mom. She refused to come over to our house unless she needed something. When she did come it was WW3 and we constantly caught her doing things she wasn't supposed to. Then this summer one of her friends was over and they got into a bottle of alcohol at her moms and when she was asked about it, she lied. They soon discovered that the empty bottle was in her room. Her parents decided to pass her to the 9th grade and things are still going down hill. She is struggling in school and lying about her school work and stuff. Mom lets her run wild with her friends because they are nice kids. Not to mention that one of her friends had a baby back in Sept. and one of her best friends is 5 months pregnant. Now last week we found a condom in her possession and she lied to us about where she got it.
1.) it was from a teacher from sex ed class. But she hasn't had sex ed. yet this year.
2.) just a teacher gave it to her.
3.) a friend gave it to her.
4.) there is an advocacy group made up teachers, counselors and students that are passing these out.
5.) she seen some kids were caring them around in baggies and when she went to her locker it was taped to it....

The story was she got it 2 months ago. Mom says it was 2 weeks ago. When my husband asked her mom about her knowing about it, she didn't and was going to call the school to find out what teacher gave it to her. I emailed the principle and he informed me no, it didn't come from a teacher or group. Mom insists that it was teachers and gave names. Finally when my step daughter was asked she went with number 5 and it was students...But, mom and her are still insisting it came from this group that the teachers and counselors are involved in. Of course she hates me because I double checked all of her stories....She is never going to come her again blah, blah, blah...the same exact thing she has said for all of these years.
Mom feels that she isn't having sex even though she was sexually active last year, it is okay for anyone to pass these kids out condoms and she would pass them out to any of her friends....

Is there really not a problem here, is it just my imagination or what. Any thoughts on what to do with this whole mess. If we just ignore it, she will still be running wild with absolutely anyone paying attention to what she is doing, could end up pregnant or with a std, fail out of school or quit, think it is ok to place the blame on everyone but, her self no matter what it could cost anyone else.
Thanks Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 1:03pm
These problems are so long-standing, so severe and so complex to resolve that you need advice from professionals who have dealt with troubled children. Do you have a guidance counsellor or something at school who can recommend different approaches?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 2:48pm

I agree with pp, you have serious problems here that you do not want to ignore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 8:05am
We have been to the professionals, several of them. We have worked with all of her teachers, school counselor, and her principles. We have seen 3 different psychologist and she refuses to go to anyone. When we did go, we had to defend our every move and get proof of everything she did or didn't do because she would lie. They ( the psychologist) have caught her in lies. We have also tried all the parenting methods but, if her mom isn't honest with us and herself with how to discipline and what a 14 year old should and shouldn't be doing, that causes the problem with her not wanting anything to do with us. Every time we think we are heading in the right direction we realize her mom and herself are just telling us what we want to hear. We want what is best for her and I know my husband is really tore up over these issues. Enough that he is embarrassed to let anyone know what is really going on. He seems to want to tell everyone what they want to hear. I don't think that is sending the right message to her either. I am just hoping that someone else out there is going through or has gone through the same thing and can offer some real help..Thanks for your help..it is appreciated..Jessica