What to do with 20 year old daughter who

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
What to do with 20 year old daughter who
7
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 3:57pm
I need some advise on what I can do to help my ddaughter who is 20 soon to be 21. We have never had a problem with her getting in trouble while she was under the age of 18. After that it seems she went away to college for a year dropped out came home to live didn't like our rules and moved out only to start drinking and exparimenting with drugs moved home after a few months because she couldn't afford it. After that started hanging aroundd people that were known to be trouble and sure enough she was arrested for accessory after the fact of a robbery. Put our family thru h_ll. That was in October since then parttime work can't get anything else in a small town where everyone knows everyones else bussiness. She does not make cerfew with is midnight always 10-15 minutes late, only interested in hanging out with freinds. We are at uor wits end on weather we should boot her out or hold on even tighter. HELP>>>>>>
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 4:26pm

Right now is your DD still using drugs or is she sober? If she is using drugs, I would do everything possible to get her into rehab or any kind of treatment, but emphasize that she is not allowed to stay in your house if she is using. My neighbor has a 20 yo DS who got kicked out of high school and has been in trouble w/ the law numerous times for drugs. He is an only child. The father wants to take a tough approach but the mother kind of enables him. I feel bad because this kid is just going to ruin his life. I am not mentioning drinking so much because she will be 21 soon and legally able to drink, so unless she is an alcoholic, this shouldn't be a problem, but I understand that she could just have an addictive personality, so maybe she needs to go to AA or NA as a condition of living at home.

Due to her age, you are perfectly w/in your rights to set down some rules for living in your home. I am hoping that you can work w/ her to develop a plan for the future since a part-time job is ok for now, but you don't want to support her for the rest of her life. Is she going to go to college, get some kind of training or has some plans for a full time job? If you live in such a small town that her rep may precede her and hinder her from getting work, she may have to look somewhere else where she's not known.

I also wonder why she has a midnight curfew? Is that something imposed by probation or you? It seems that someone who is almost 21 shouldn't really have a curfew unless you don't trust her not to hang out w/ undesirable people, but she could do that before midnight too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 5:26pm
Few points about the reply, at any age I think you can tell people what you expect of them ifthey are living in your home. With no job, she should have a curfew and be expected to do her share and then some of the house work as well. There's some good points about being a user in there too though.
Good luck, wish I had more to offer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 9:11pm

Does she have a cell phone? Who is paying? Car? Gas?

Be sure you are not enabling. She should have such minimal support from you she WANTS to get a better job in order to have more than the bare necessities

I would help her find an apartment and job in the next town over. Pay her security deposit, fill her cabinets with food, and stay in touch(pay for a cell if that will enable you to keep in contact)Then, step back!

Thats not booting her out-thats helping her on to the next stage of her life

And all this advice is assuming she no longer has addiction problems-for that, she needs professional help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 10:15am

OK - I've read everyone's replies, and now I'm ready to offer my own.

1. I agree with everyone re: the drugs/alcohol. If she's still using, she needs rehab. If she refuses to go to rehab or counseling (which she can do since she's legally an adult), then yes, you should remove her from your home - because to keep her there is only going to enable her to keep on.

2. If she's not using and is honestly trying to improve her life, she will need help. Perhaps a trade school/certification course in some professional career would help her find a full-time job?

3. Does she pay rent? She should. At 20, she should either be going to school full-time, paying rent, or living on her own.

4. A midnight curfew is, in my opinion, far too restrictive for a 20 year old. In fact, only missing it by 10-15 minutes is probably pretty good. My own son (18) would laugh at a midnight curfew (of course, we have far worse problems than what time he comes home - like whether he comes home at all). At 20, there should no longer be a curfew - she should be responsible for herself.

Which doesn't mean you can't have rules in your house. My son is instructed to contact me by 11:30 if he's going to be later than midnight or if he's not coming home at all. If I don't hear from him by 11:30, the doors get bolted, and he's on his own.

But at 20, to have to be home by midnight is a little much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 10:29am

Sounds to me like she is shiftless, bored, has no clear idea what to do. You say you live in a small town, she dropped out of college, can't find work etc. So what DO other people of her age do in your town? And what area was her particular interest while she was growing up? Does she have any passions or things that motivate her? Is she artistic or athletic or musical?

It sounds like she needs some hope and aspirations -- something to shoot for. People who have no dreams for themselves and their lives have nothing to drive them to get up in the morning, go to school/work and make something for themselves. If she has nothing to drive for, kicking her out will send her spiraling even further.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 2:18pm
Boot her out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2006
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 5:50pm
Hi, I'm 24 and in my past I have used many drugs, drank, had no respect for my mom at all, never followed the house rules, rebelled against them all the time, stayed out till all hours, most of the time coming home the next day, drove my mom mad, it was only until I decided to move out that I actually got my life together, I have been moved out since I've been 18, had a full time job, now I have a great job, a great house, a fiance, a car, and a baby on the way that was planned. At almost 21 your daughter needs a swift kick in the ass, she needs to be either working, or in school, and at this point I'd say she probably has to learn that on her own because all you're doing is enabling her, my mom was smart to let me go, she always told me I would have to learn the hard way and I love her so much for what she did, we are like best friends now, and I owe my life to her!