what to do about overweight teen?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 09-28-2006 - 11:09am |
I posted the good things that have been happening w/ my 16 yo DSD in another post, so don't think I am picking on her for this, ok?
My DSD is about 5'10" and quite overweight. Her (deceased) mother was about 6 ft. tall and a big woman, so I know that my DSD isn't ever going to be a thin girl. I'm not obsessed about weight either and I know I could use a few pounds. But I just see my DSD getting bigger & bigger and I'm not sure if I should say anything or to whom. She hasn't been able to buy clothes in the regular misses dept. for a few years. We have to buy her jeans at Lane Bryant. I didn't go w/ her this year, but last year she wore about a size 22.
She has done what I consider to be almost binge eating of junk food lately. It's hard to monitor because the kids are alone after school. There are days when my kids eat too much, but if I see my 11 yo son starting w/ the junk food, I will tell him that he can't eat any more. For ex., I had bought a 1/2 gal. of ice cream 2 nights ago. My DS made a milk shake w/ his and my DD ate 1 dish. Yesterday afternoon they were both out, then they looked in the box and it was almost all gone. Then they start complaining to me that their DSS eats too much. I tell my DS to mind his own business. Some days if he goes to the grocery store w/ me, he will tell me not to even buy any junk food. I don't know, that seems kind of extreme, but then again if there's a box of cookies around, I can eat 2 or 3 in one night, I don't have to eat 1/2 the box. Then last night I told him that he was eating too many cookies and his response was that "I should eat them before E. eats the rest of the box." Since my DS is young enough to still have snack time in school, it has gotten to the point that I have to hide his snacks so he will have enough for a week. We went to a wholesale club and bought a box of 12 brownies before the weekend and by Mon. there was only 1 left. Both my kids were gone on the weekend. My DS probably had a couple before he left.
My DH really isn't any help. I don't know if he's oblivious to the fact that his DD is so overweight. He's kind of overweight himself. His eating habits are very bad. He works from 6:30 a.m. to 6:00 p.m., doesn't usually eat breakfast or lunch. Then he will eat a normal dinner, but he will then eat junk food while watching TV. He even has to have his own stash that he keeps next to his chair and had yelled at the kids for eating his food w/o permission (guess which one of them eats his food and won't admit it?)
So I don't know if I should bring something up to him or not. I don't feel comfortable talking to her since we aren't close and I think she would be embarrassed. But I hate to see a young girl getting so big cause I sure know that as you get older, it's much harder to lose weight. I do think a lot of it is either emotional eating or just caused by boredom. She doesn't get that much exercise except that we have a basketball hoop in the backyard, so she does play that. I posted on another message that she wants to get a job after school so that will be good, except that I thought about the fact that in after school daycare, they usually give the kids a juice and a snack. At least it will only be one.

Pages
For no other reason than for her long-term health, I think you need to talk to your DSD about getting her weight down and getting fit, maybe enlist a physician for some extra reinforcement. Carrying around all that extra weight is hard on a body and that could be part of the reason your DSD doesn't want to participate in much -- it's just too tiring for her. Long term affects include diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, etc. I'm sure you are aware of the dangers! You may want to even look into learning if she is struggling with a depression. I know I'm not the only one who reaches for a cookie -- or four -- when I'm feeling stress or down.
If you approach her with the attitude that you have her best interests, her health in mind, that you will be her ally and support, she might surprise you with how receptive she is! I imagine that being 16 and being that severely overweight is causing her some real emotional issues, not to mention stress. She may feel overwhelmed and doesn't know where to begin to get in control of her eating habits.
My 12yo DS has been a bit chubby for a few years now. At first, our physician didn't say much about it, but at this last check-up before school, she came down on him a little harder than I felt necessary -- especially since he grew nearly 4" since his last check-up and is in the throes of puberty! She told him she would help him monitor his food intake if he wanted her too, etc. A bit extreme for a 12yo, but teenage obesity is a huge issue and I'm sure she was doing what she felt was the right thing.
Anyway .... some of the things she talked to ME about which I did implement was paying more attention to portions. Buying ice cream BARS as opposed to a 1/2 gallon of ice cream is a great idea. I've been buying the Healthy Choice Fudge Bars and they are really very good! They have only 80 calories and are so chocolatey and creamy that one will cure even my DH's very stubborn sweet tooth. Your DSD could eat two of those bars and still not consume as much fat and calories as a bowl of ice cream.
I've also started buying 100 calorie packs of chips, pretzels, etc. and putting those in lunches. You still get the salty crunch with less fat and calories.
Buy protein or granola bars instead of brownies, cookies, etc. My kids like the Kashi ones. Those Quaker Breakfast Cookies are pretty good, too, and DS likes those in his lunch. They feels like they are eating a cookie, but it's a much healthier cookie. Filling too.
One of the biggest sources of calories for my DS was flavored drinks! He will drink juice, gatorade, soda ... anything over water! He was probably consuming an extra 400-500 calories just in drinks! I bought the tiny Gatorades for his lunch and that is the only drink outside of water (except for milk, which he doesn't drink much of anyway) that he is supposed to have on an average day. He plays tennis 2x a week and has now started running with the cross country team 2x a week, and on those days, he gets an extra Gatorade -- he really gets sweaty during sports and has been known to get physically ill if over-heated, so I would rather keep his electrolytes up!
On that note, those Crystal Lite pacs that you pour straight into a water bottle, shake and drink are very, very good. DH drinks the Raspberry Ice ones like mad, DS likes lemonade and the raspberry lemonade is good too. Those have no calories at all!
Another thing to consider is packing her lunch on school days instead of having her buy cafeteria food. Cafeteria food = yuk in my opinion. Too much fat, sodium, calories, etc. I still pack everybody's lunch, even though they are all at an age when they can do it themselves because this way I'm pretty much guaranteed that their lunch won't consist of a bag of M&M's and a soda. My kids really don't mind this at all because they 1) hate cafeteria food and 2) would rather not spend the majority of their lunch break waiting in line! My nearly 15yo DD doesn't have a weight problem (a bit out of shape, though) but she is a very picky eater and she WOULD eat a candy bar for lunch if she were left to her own devices!
Oh ... and one other thing I've started doing is when DS wanders into the kitchen looking for a 'snack' I ask him if he's really 'hungry' or if he's just 'bored'. He'll often come to the conclusion that he's not hungry after all.
Also, consider dragging her along on a walk with you after dinner, and ask your DD too. It may be good for all three of you!
Oh wow, sorry so long! Hoped I helped a little and let us know how it goes.
Edited 9/28/2006 1:06 pm ET by hydrangea_blue
I forgot to mention something I've only JUST started doing for DS, maybe in the last two weeks. I've been buying him some of those Weight Watchers Smart Ones frozen entrees for after school. There not exactly an economical 'snack' (I was able to buy 4 for $10 last week, though) an not even a snack at that, but he IS a growing boy and he IS hungry after school. Really hungry.
He really likes them and if he's still hungry after THAT, and he often is, then I tell him he can have an apple or orange ... a really high fiber piece of fruit really fills a person up. I happen to love my apples dunked in peanute butter (the JIF low fat is actually good) and that is totally filling and even with the peanut butter, not so bad a snack.
If your DSD had her 'own' snacks to chose from when she gets home and you're not there to help her monitor her intake, those may work to help fill her up instead of a brownie or cookie binge.
Just more ideas ...
I am with you ds, just don't buy the junk food. Tell DH he can't keep his stash by his chair, either. Bring in ants if you need to convince him! No one at your house (or mine!) NEEDS the junk. Sounds like she is going for the easiest foods she can get her hands on. Make all the other good foods just as easy (or many of them) and she'll have no choice but to shift her eating. I know I can eat a package of cookies or a carton of ice cream, and I can do it mindlessly, because it's easy. If it's not in the house, it's not easy. If I'm gonna eat healthy, I have to keep my food easy and yummy if I'm gonna do it.
And you should talk to her. Tell her if she starts watching a little now what she eats, buying a prom dress in the spring will be so much easier. Or find something else that will excite her. If you get her a gym membership, will she use it? A membership at the Y isn't that expensive and the whole family can go. That might move dh out of his snack eating chair, too. You can all go and work out and swim or whatever. And, it gives her a safe place to hang out. There are still junky snacks there, but she has to have money to buy them. I love the idea of taking her for a walk after dinner, too. Anything to keep moving is good. Maybe DH can challenge her to b-ball after dinner some nights. And when it snows, get out there as a family and sled. It's a great work out!
DSD is a tall girl, but that doesn't mean she has to be amazon like. to be a size 22 at age 16 is just almost beyond my comprehension. She's a size smaller than me, but I've had 5 babies and a life time to eat really crappy. But, when I was her age, I weighed all of 97 pounds on a fat day. I had chocolate chocolate chip cookies and 2 chocolate milks for lunch every day. I was thin because I was super active. Imagine my surprise when I got out of high school and started packing weight on! I still ate bad, but I wasn't as active. The places I used to walk, I now drive. What a difference that loss of activity made in my health.
So do her a favor and save the treats for treats and let the rest of the time be for healthy food. Get her in the kitchen helping cook. It will increase her interest in good foods and strengthen your relationship with her.
Thanks for the advice. I have definitely cut back on the amt. of snacks that I buy and I have decided that if they are gone the first day, I'm not going back to the store to eat more. My DSD will eat just about anything, unlike my kids she's not a fussy eater, she just eats a lot of it. I do think she never got the idea about portion control, when she was younger and we would go out for ice cream, for ex., her DF would let her order a medium dish, where I would tell my kids they had to get a small.
I did have to laugh about enticing her w/ a prom dress, though. Under protest my DSD wore a gown because she was a bridesmaid when we got married and I told her that she could not bring jeans to change into at the receiption either. My MOH was my age and then I had my DSD and my DD as bridesmaids. Since everybody had very diff. looks, I just told them to pick out whatever kind of dress they liked, just all blue (which I picked because it was a good shade to go w/ her red hair). She picked a very plain sleeveless gown which looked nice. Accd. to her, the next time she wears a dress will be at her own wedding. lol I suppose she would buy one for the prom. So far, she has not gone to any school dances, so IDK about the prom. I would hope she will go but I don't want to make this about being attractive to boys, but as you & I know, high school boys are at that pretty shallow age where it's all about looks (ok, not all of them) so I don't think that being overweight will help.
There is a really nice YMCA (brand new) near where my ex lives and he got himself & the kids a membership there, but it's too far from our house. The one closest to me is where I took my kids for swimming lessons, but it's kind of crappy and not in a very good location. My DD has been able to go and use her membership there. As far as the whole family doing something together, that is pretty funny too, but that's more of a "blended family" issue. My DS is mad that he's too young to use the gym equipment, although he sneaks on it when he's w/ his dad, I have heard. After working 12 hrs. standing on his feet, my DH is too tired to get up off the chair. I can't really blame him for that. And my DSD hardly gives me the time of day. My DS & I will sometimes take a walk down the end of the street to the beach but she wouldn't come.
DH and I are both overweight yet all our kids have been thin(although my college freshman looks to be well on his way to the freshman 15)It was very hard for me not to buy snacks because I felt I was penalizing THEM for my problems(and as they became teens, they were quick to learn to utilize that guilt)
Now that we are down to one kid, I rarely buy snacks and junk food. I make sure ds3 has enough money for lunch that he can buy himself a treat at lunchtime.
Yeah, I know he doesnt NEED snacks but this turned out to be a good compromise to relieve my 'guilt' on the subject. DH is on board.
So, yeah, lose the snacks at home. DH is a big boy with a drivers license-he can buy what he wants and keep it in his vehicle.
But, past that, I think you have the right attitude about not making a big deal about it. She SURELY knows(one of my pet peeves is thin people writing into Dear Abby and asking 'should we tell our coworker shes gained about 20 pounds-we care about her and want to do the right thing' PULEEEZE-as if the poor woman hasnt noticed??)
This is such a touchy subject. I feel for you. It almost sounds to me that this girl may be depressed. Her mother passed away, her father works long hours, and you and she are not close. What adult would she go to if she just needed to talk? I'm sure you've tried to be close to her but please don't give up - she probably needs you and just isn't willing to admit it.
As for the weight issue, I would approach it as a family issue. You stated that you and DH both could use to loose a few pounds. You and DH need to get on the same page about this. Then have a family meeting and say to everyone "We need to eat more healty around here. Therefore, there will be no junk fook in this house except on special occassions. Snacks will be in the form of fruit or veggies with low-fat dip, etc. We will all begin to take walks at least twice a week together." Even your thin children could benefit from a good family walk. When the weather doesn't cooperate, you may just have to make that extra drive the Y that is too far away - it's only twice a week. Or some church gyms have a community time that is open to the public to play basketball or walk or whatever.
My oldest DD had several health issues that required us altering our diets and excercise routines. There was no junk food while she lived at home and we all played softball in the backyard or tennis in the driveway (no net - just hitting the balls around). We made it a family effort despite the fact that youngest is and always has been a bean pole.
We made it about a healthy lifestyle and becoming a closer family. Unfortunately now that the kids are gone, I can't DH to move and he refuses to eat the good stuff. Last weekend, I made a pot of chicken chili and he wouldn't touch it. I didn't cook anything else. I told him he was on his own all weekend. I'm not going to be like my dad and have to have 5 by-passes before I'm 50 and I'm not going to cook two meals. I think DH ate pancakes and hot dogs all weekend. I've got news for him when those hot dogs are gone, I'm not buying anymore unless they are turkey and he won't eat those! He'll probably wind up going to the store to buy them himself but I refuse to kill him. Sorry - like I said touchy subject.
Please make this about a healthy lifestyle and a closer family. Don't single her out for her weight. I wouldn't even mention her weight at all.
Good Luck and let us know this turns out.
I do agree that we could all try to be healthier. I also agree w/ the OP who said she must know she is overweight and doesn't need to be told. She will eat fruits & vegs. as well as all the other stuff--she just eats a lot of whatever it is. I have known her since she was 10 and she wasn't a fat child since I have seen the pics from when she was little. I'm sure some of it is hormonal, some is eating from boredom and some is from depression. The adult she is closest to is her maternal grandmother, who by the way, is pretty fat herself, as is her uncle, so I guess it really runs in the family. So they probably don't even notice. Before you ask, I don't speak to her GM since my DH doesn't get along w/ her--another family issue.
Now I have to figure out how to get my DH off the junk food too. He doesn't drink or smoke so this is his one vice. He also takes meds that cause weight gain, so maybe he feels that it won't make any diff. But he is also very lax when it comes to his health. He said the other day that "he won't be alive" when he is 60 (he's 51 now) and I said something like, well the way you aren't taking care of yourself, you will probably guarantee that. He has high blood pressure, gastric reflux disease and some spots that are probably skin cancer that the dr. has been keeping an eye on. He was supposed to have an appt. in Aug, but the dr's office called to cancel. I keep reminding him that he needs to reschedule, but he hasn't so far. Of course, he also has a lack of memory.
I think it's easier to deal w/ the weight/health issue than to deal w/ the family issue. That's going to be a lot harder.
<>
I'm sure it will be easier but I would think that the family issue is probably more important than just focusing on the weight/health issue. Plus addressing the family issue might also take care of the weight/health issue. Believe me, I know all about having a difficult DH. Mine hasn't seen a doctor this century. I just got him to get his teeth cleaned for the first time this century. I'm pushing it if I think I'm getting him to a MD anytime soon. He ate pancakes all weekend b/c he refused to eat the chili I prepared b/c it had chicken instead of beef. If DH won't cooperate, then just ignore him. Explain to the kids that he's an adult with bad habits that probably formed when he was their age. He's an adult and he can make his own decisions but they aren't and you love them and want them to develop good habits now.
I work with teens on a regular basis and see many that are just existing in houses with their parents, step-parents and grandparents and they are miserable kids. This is what you've described to me. I go out of my way to connect with those kids. When I see them with their CD player or iPod, I always ask what are you listening to. I ask to hear it. I try to figure out what they see it in. I also go to their ball games, band concerts, plays, whatever just to let them know that there is an adult out there that is interested in them as a person. I truly feel for your DSD. Think about if you passed away and your kids lived with your ex and his second wife and neither of them had time or made time for your kids. Would you want that for them? Probably not, so why would you want that for DSD? Maybe I don'tunderstand b/c I don't have step-kids so please forgive me if I sound judgemental. I truly don't mean to, I just don't understand. I hope I didn't offend you.
First off, hugs for you and your DSD. Being an overweight teen is NO FUN. My DD was an overweight kid, but as a preteen/young teen, she developed good health habits and is now a very healthy weight (athletic, not thin). What has helped her immensely is the WeightWatchers program. For a while, both she and I were following it. It's not a "diet" as much as a realistic model of portion control and reasonable eating. For my DD it has amounted to a food "budget". YOu get a certain number of points a day, based on your weight (somewhere around 22 points a day). She can eat what she wants, but if she "spends" her points on pizza (9 points) at lunch, then she can't eat a big dinner too. She can have fries (5-7) if she wants, but not fries and ice cream (6+) at the same meal. This took her awhile to get the hang of, but now it's second nature for her. She looks at what her friends eat, and is honestly stunned that they eat so much and then complain about gaining weight.
In the past two years, she has gradually added exercise in - and now has joined a gym and is working out seriously 4-6 days a week.
The big key is that, although DH and I set the example, and made the tools available, the motivation and action came from her. I have never told her what to eat or not eat; I do tell her the points value of home cooked foods, and buy low points snacks for her. I do not nag or remind her about food - she knows the budgeting works and keeps track of it herself. At the beginning she'd be mad about how high point some favorite foods are, now she gets a kick out of creating a delicious low-point substitute.
Is this something that you and DSD could do together? And maybe you can promise some cool clothes when she hits certain goals? My DD is not a huge clothes shopper, but she gets such a kick out of wearing the cool clothes that wouldn't have fit her 2 years ago!!
HTH
Sue
I know that the family problem is a bigger issue. This was kind of my flip way of saying that it's easier to make healthy snacks than to solve the big family problem, which has been going on for years and isn't going to be solved overnight.
Believe me, if you don't have stepkids, you don't know how the family dynamic is difficult. I'm sure there are some families where everybody gets along fine, but if you take a look at the boards on Blended Families or Making a Second Marriage Work, you will see that it just adds another layer of problems. Someone made a post on one of these boards about if you had to do it over again, would you have gotten married for the 2nd time and most people said no, and it was mainly the problems of dealing w/ the relationships between stepkids and stepparents.
It's not that we have been ignoring the problems either. Believe me about 2 yrs. ago, things were much worse. My DH has bipolar disorder which makes things more difficult. In 9th grade, this was the time that my DSD started skipping school, staying up late making phone calls, failing classes, etc. Things got very bad between them, so much that Social Services was involved and she ended up staying for most of the summer w/ her grandmother, who tried to go to court to get guardianship. After she came home, there was family counselling, but it took so long to get that arranged, that by that time, we had kind of figured out the basic problems ourselves. Plus my DSD had some individual counselling. I'm not sure any of this really helped. I'm sure there are a lot of issues that go way back before I knew my DSD, esp. involving the fact that her mother died. I'm pretty insightful into most people's behavior, but I have never been able to figure out what makes my DSD tick.
I have tried to treat her the same as my kids. I have done things w/ her like taken her shopping, taken her to look for jobs, but it's actually like torture for me (and probably for her too) since she doesn't speak unless spoken to and then it's basically one word answers. I believe her father cares about her, but he has a lot of baggage himself, plus he was abused as a child and hardly has a role model for being a good father. Even though he likes kids, he deals better w/ little kids and I don't think he knows how to deal w/ a teenager. I have tried to give him advice like not making a big deal about every little thing.
Well, this is only a short recap of the many huge problems we have had since we got married, did I also mention that my DH hurt himself on the job, had to have surgery right before our wedding 3 yrs. ago and was out of work for almost 2 years, had to completely change careers and start over at a new job? It has been like total stress, but things are getting better.
Pages