What to do about unsavoury friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
What to do about unsavoury friends?
5
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 12:14pm
Okay, so what do you do when your teen has a friend you don't approve of, for very good reason? Quick background on the boy in question - he has a certain degree of charm and can put on a good face. Nice manners around me, for sure! Unfortunately, I know that he does NOT have good character - brushes with the law, no respect for women, some possible history of predatory behaviour. My 15 year old likes him and doesn't see all the negatives - I point out what I can, but I'm not a liberty to tell him the boy's whole history (I know some of the things I do because I'm a teacher - so the information is confidential). One friend, another teacher, advised that I outright forbid him to have anything to do with this kid. My concern is that if I do that, he'll just go right on being friends but will be more secretive about it. So what I do is try to make sure they don't spend a lot of time ALONE together. My son has very good judgement, but I don't see the point in putting him in a position of temptation. I know one night when this kid wanted him to "go down the the river for a beer" he got pretty mad and came straight home, and told him to get lost. But would he hold out forever? So he can't go to sleep overs there. I also have made it clear that this boy is not welcome in my house - my son thinks that is unreasonable, especially since I can't give him an answer that satisfies him, but I will not have that boy around my little girls. And then I try to tackle it by pointing out facts about behaviour- the night of the "beer" incident, this kid put on his full scale manipulation attack - "you aren't much of a friend" etc., so I pointed out that his statements were engineered to shame my son into complying, and how unfair that is. What do you think? Too much or not enough? How do you handle creepy friends?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 3:38pm

I can tell you what I've done with dd14's unsavory friend, H. who I've been dealing with for the better part of two years now. She is no longer allowed to go to H.'s house, overnights or otherwise. I tend to much more closely supervise everything dd14 does when it involves H. I'm hoping this eventually makes it easier for her to realize that she should spend more time with her other friends, and enjoy mom breathing down her neck a little less. One can only hope. I was advised that I shouldn't "forbid" the friendship. Therefore, I never told her "You can't ever go to H.'s house again!" Instead, every time she asks to go over, it's not possible. Yes, she can come over here. I think it's a good idea not to forbid, as that would make them want to "close ranks" with the friend. This has happened in the past with dd14, and invariably it makes her feel sorry for H. and suddenly she's the sympathetic character. It's just not easy.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 6:16pm

It makes more sense to allow him at your house so you CAN keep an eye on things. I mean, we're not talking a convicted pedophile, are we?

I agree that there should be no overnighters at his place

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 8:43pm

For some reason, my kids seem to attract unsavory friends, though now they're old enough that the friends have either shaped up and become responsible adults, or they're in jail.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 7:07am

So far with my DD (almost 15), I've focussed on behavior rather than on the specific kid. We had a hard time through 7th and most of 8th grade with one friend, and DD said to me "you hater her!" I realized that if my DD thought I hated her friend, that would make the friend even more appealing. So I just said "I don't hate her. I don't like some of the things she does. They're dangerous for her, and put you (who I adore) in a risky position"

This, or some variation on this, has been an ongoing conversation. People who engage in "bad", risky, dangerous behavior are a risk to themselves and to their friends.

Interestingly, by looking at behavior, my DD sees her friends (not just this one) in a more objective way. She's not spending so much time romanticizing their bad behavior.

Also, there've been some first hand experiences - where other kids assumed my DD did the same things as her friend (in this case it was/is sexually provacative behavior). DD could see how her friend's behavior put them both at risk.

Having her friends over to our house helped in two ways - one: I can keep an eye on them; and two: I can see that they're not as bad as I make them out to be in my head! Most of DD's friends are just kids like I went to HS with - and most of them turned out OK!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 5:55pm

I understand what you're going through. When my ds (now 17) was 10YO, he wanted to have a little friend who brought a knife on the bus. I wanted ds to make good choices so I told him that he could be friends with B as long as he was a good influence on B. But I stipulated that if he allowed B to influence him to do the wrong thing, then he would not be allowed to aplay with B. Ds never once betrayed my trust, and B came over to my house so much that dh threatened to adopt him for the tax break. B ended up moving away, but I would like to think that we showed him a better way of life. DS still makes goods friends.

As for my two dd's, I am always available to drive them and their friends to whereever they need to go. I hear all kinds of things (I need an ears-burning emoticon). Their friends feel comfortable talking to me. A lot of these girls are sweet girls who come from very unhappy homes - drug and alcohol abuse. My dd's give me a hard time, but they are grateful that I care about their friends.