what do I do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
what do I do??
8
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 4:13pm

Well I've been on here a couple times about my 16 yr old dd about her and her 18 yr old b/f. Ok I really don't know what to do about this relationship. She has changed so much since she's been with him. She comes home late after school. She gets out of school at 3 and doesn't come home until 5-530 and doesn't call. One day she went to this car show and it started at 1pm and didn't hear from her again until 1130pm. She has a cell phone and we were calling her all night wondering where she was. She didn't have it turned on. We were so worried about her. We didn't know if she was dead in an alley or being raped etc. We have talked to her about calling etc. quite a few times, but doesn't seem to fizz on her that she should call. Last night it happened again. She went to his house after school and she did ask, I said yes, she said she's be home at 630pm. Well Didn't get ahold of her until after 8pm. She went out with him some where and left her cell at his house. Then said that she couldn't come home until 930pm when his mom would drive her home. I got home at 8 and called and went and picked her up. She was upset with me that I picked her up.
Dh and I really don't know what to do anymore. We told her last night that no more seeing him during the week and only on weekends now. Well guess what, she called my dh at work and asked if b/f could come over after school. He said yes because b/f was in the back ground. We think she's lying to us about alot. She's been so good up until the last couple months. Reliable etc. Now she's not.
Can we ground her at this age? What to do?

I really need more advice here. I'm scared for her. Is he using her? Everything is going through my head, what could happen. Will she quite school when he's done this summer? Will she get pregnant? I know I really should be putting her on the pill, but she's my little girl......lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: puglover71
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 4:43pm

Well, first, what are the consequences of her not checking in with you? Does she have any? IMO there should be a consequence for no checking in with you for that long a period of time. It seems like you're very worried, but not doing anything about it. I recall you had a talk with your dd that went well...has she told you whether she's sexually active? If so, what have you done to make sure she's protected? Have you asked her if she wants/needs b.c.?

Both you and your dh are giving your dd mixed signals. You're not being consistent with your parenting, and that is very dangerous. That is exactly when kids get into a world of trouble. IMO at 16 there should not be boys at home when there is no parental supervision...especially her boyfriend! What was your dh thinking?

In short, you are right to be worried. She's not your little girl anymore. Grieve over that, (as I have) and try to move on and form a different kind of relationship with your dd. This was hard for me too. I think its just as difficult for us to view our children as sexual beings as it is for them to view us that way! But bringing this out in the open is really the healthier way of dealing with it, hard as it may be.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
In reply to: puglover71
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 4:55pm
Thank you for you reply. I agree. dh has a hard time keeping his end of the bargin. I'm probably to blame too. ( By the way what does IMO stand for???)lol I've seen that a few times, but never know what it stands for....lol
We ask her if she's sexually active, she says no. We've asked a few times. I'm not sure if she's embarrassed or not to tell us if she was. I am actually embarassed to discuss it with her also. But I know that I have to.
I know she's growing up and as must know its so hard to deal with that. She's going to be sexually active whether we like it or not. You are right better be safe than sorry.
We have punished her before for not calling by taking the computer privledges and phone away for a week. I really don't know how to punish her to tell you the truth. Is that hard enough punishment? Also wasn't allowed to see b/f
Avatar for audreyoka
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: puglover71
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 6:06pm

I'll offer my 2 cents. Leaving a phone behind or not having a phone on is not an excuse to not check in. My daughter is 16. There is no question in her mind that if she does not call, there will be consequences. There are times she'll ask to stay out later and I say yes. There are other times I say no. Weeknights she doesn't even ask.

I have two very differing views. My first view is that as they get older and older we need to let go more and more and allow them to make their own decisions. My other view is that if they are not making decisions that we feel are in their best interest than they still very much need guidance, and can not be given the same freedom as someone consistantly making healthier choices.

You asked if you can ground your daughter. Of course you can. When I visit my own mom, I still follow her house rules. It is her home. I also expect my kids to follow her rules. My two cents are that if your daughter can not handle the responsibility of coming home/checking in etc, then her rules need to change. If her curfew is 10pm, she needs to either consistantly come home at 10pm or she can't go out in the evening.

My two cents
Audrey :)
http://www.scrapping-made-simple.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
In reply to: puglover71
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 9:04pm

KWIM means "know what I mean". BTDT means "been there done that".
don't worry about it, I still don't know what PITA means.

I know what you mean about being embarrased - I am too. I learned on this site that some parents chose to talk about sex while driving with their teen - that way you don't have to look at each other, and that helps. The first time I had a talk with my dd it was more "formal" and I took her into my bedroom and closed the door - she knew what we were going to talk about and she crawled under my bed, but she still listened! LOL.

Your punishment of taking privileges away for a week sounds okay to me. You can't go to extremes with that kind of stuff, it never works. You probably need to make sure that you have all your rules spelled out clearly for her beforehand. Curfews, etc. And then appropriate punishments. You should have rules like no boyfriend at home without supervision, etc. It's good that she doesn't want bc. Don't assume that she is having sex, but just keep talking to her about it. Let her know while you don't approve, rather than her getting pg, you will take her to get what she needs to be safe. That's about all you can do....and then pray alot, as I do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
In reply to: puglover71
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 12:49am

PITA means Pain in the @ss


I don't have 16yo daughters but I was one once. I smell a RAT! I used to play the dumb/innocent/I forgot

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: puglover71
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 3:25pm

I agree. My dd14 used to play these stupid games with me too. Finally I just had to level with her and tell her I was on to her - that I'm not as stupid as she thinks. She hasn't tried to pull that stuff anymore. If I call her and she doesn't answer right away, she calls me back within minutes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: puglover71
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 10:02pm

I think you're right on target Betty.


As far as becoming sexually active, my bet is that it's already happening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
In reply to: puglover71
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 11:44am

Rose, I'm sorry I had to laugh at condom wrappers in the washer. How stupid can kids be? Don't answer that. Remember how irritated we all used to get over crayons in pockets? I remember thinking they are the "worst". Guess not.


My