What do I do now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
What do I do now?
18
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 12:53am

I've always told my daughter (age 17) that she could tell me anything, and that I would not get upset. She's pretty much been honest with me (I think). I've never caught her lying to me, anyway. Recently, she asked if she could go on the pill. (Seasonique-the kind that lets you have 4 periods a year) I asked if that was what she wanted it for, and she replied, "Yes mom, I still have my "V-card." I told her that I would get her an appt and she could discuss it with a doctor. If the doctor thinks it's safe, I told her it would be ok. I also told her that the pill was not a green light to have unprotected sex...to which she rolled her eyes. She doesn't have a bf, there's a boy she likes, but he lives 60 miles away.

The other issue is more tricky. She told me that she went to a party over the weekend and there was alcohol (among other things). Not too surprising these days. Then without my asking, she told me that she wanted me to know that she had a couple of drinks, but she didn't get drunk. She was offered other things(pot I'm guessing), but said no. I asked if she got in a car with anyone who'd been drinking, and she said no again. Then we had the talk (again) about all the stupid things that you might do drunk that you otherwise would never do, and how you might be taken advantage of. I asked where the kids at the party got alcohol, but she didn't know. It was just "there" I guess. I told her I was glad she was truthful with me, but at the same, underage drinking is illegal and there are consequences. I did not get mad or throw a fit and ground her. I'm concerned if I did that, she would just do whatever she wanted, but not tell me.

I'm a little uneasy. I don't want to be a permissive parent, but then again, if she makes a mistake, I don't want her to be afraid of me. I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2001
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 8:29am

Asking for the pill is not a punishable offence.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 11:06am

That's the fine line I'm walking. I don't want her to think I like that she was drinking, but if she knows she's getting punished, I'm afraid she'll do it anyway and I won't know about it (I realize how this sounds). The kids who do this stuff aren't the "bad kids" ...they're popular kids who go to church on Sundays. I know not all kids do things they aren't supposed to, but things like this seem to go on to some degree in almost every group of kids...so it's hard to decide who she can and can't hang out with. She's not a kid who normally even goes to parties, so I hope this was just one of those things (like the time I decided to smoke cigarettes...the aftermath was not pretty and I never did it again). Am I delusional in

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 11:21am

If you are a bad parent, then I'm a lot worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 12:46pm

I guess that's probably the way I feel about it as well. I figure she will do what she wants anyway, and you're correct...how do you watch them when they go to college? I've told her many times about bad things that can happen when you've had too many. (and honestly, the safety issue is also what concerns me most)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 1:00pm

things have changed in mother daughter relationships and you did fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 1:05pm

also, I just have to add to my previous post.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 1:07pm

I was one of the parents who would <<>.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 1:27pm

I think it's important for kids to know that they can tell you anything, but that you probably WILL get upset. I tell my kids that if they are brave enough to rebel by drinking, smoking, etc, then they should be brave enough to withstand my wrath, because I love them and no matter what, I will bust my butt and theirs to save their lives.

My DD is a sophomore, and is still a little afraid of the big parties that include drinking. She's generally a straight arrow, but I think it's inevitable that she'll end up at

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2001
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 1:30pm

"Good" kids or "bad" kids doesn't matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2001
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 1:45pm

"That said, we also told our kids they could tell us anything.

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