What to do with teen DD?
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| Tue, 09-05-2006 - 1:38pm |
Hi all, I'm brand new here on this site, looking for some feedback on a situation with my HS soph daughter.
Background, she's 15, extremely intelligent and artistically talented, but extremely moody, rather shy and timid with others. Our school district has her classified in their gifted program due to high IQ, but since she did so poorly last year in honors classes, she's in regulars this year. Dad and I divorced nearly 4 years ago, terrible conflict. Last year she lived mostly with him, did very poorly in school and I discovered later, was not very well supervised. We both live in the same neighborhood. Her dad can be very verbally abusive and has a hair-trigger temper and doesn't hesitate to ridicule her when he feels she hasn't performed to his standard. About 2 years ago, she stopped eating and lost a bunch of weight, but now seems to me to eat more normally, now she's 5'8" and 125, slim but not unhealthy and usually makes pretty good food choices. I really don't like several of her "slacker" friends and she's got an extremely apathetic attitude. She gets very verbally aggressive with me at times. She has this irrational attitude of "I can't help myself, I'm upset/angry/frustrated"--like that's an excuse for rudeness and laziness. I had her going to a psychotherapist for a while after the substance abuse, but I don't think it was the right person. I'm looking for somebody new that I can afford. Money, unfortunately, IS an object.
Last spring, Dad kicked her out of his house to come live with me because she wasn't getting herself up on time for the bus. He left home before she did. In cleaning out her room he discovered evidence of marijuana use. So, she's been exclusively with me since and has hardly seen or spoken to him since. When she does, he's awful to her. Well, over the summer I had hard evidence of two drinking episodes and found cigarett butts in her room. I drug tested her once with a home use kit and it was thankfully clean. She whines on and on how I don't trust her. Well, duh, like they say. Plus, my gut tells me she's lying to me some on where she is and gets furious with me on verifying that other kids' parents are home when she's over there. It floors me with some of the stuff her friends can get away with with their parents. She does meet her curfew. Usually I pick the group up if they go out so I can see if anybody is stumbling, slurring, smelling like pot, etc. She was so lazy all summer, I encouraged a pt job, but she wouldn't even try. Frankly, if I were the one hiring at a groc store or burger joint, I wouldn't hire/keep her with her attitude.
I've tried to be very tolerant and loving since her Dad can't be, but that's not working well and I need to become far more strict I think. School has just started here and already, she's not doing all the work on a timely basis and fighting about getting off to school on time in the mornings. Local HS starts rediculously early, so the bus comes at 6:40. I've been driving her, but even then, I have trouble getting her out to the car on time. The foul mouthed attitude has gone over the top recently. I'd be a fool to tolerate any more of the way she yells at me. And frankly, I allow myself to be drawn into yelling back at her. I have to stop that. I can't stand these morning dramas--I have to get myself to work and her younger sis to elementary school. None of us needs to start the day off so stressed.
Basically, I'm looking for suggestions on how strict to become under these circumstances and for suggestions on how to encourage her to become more responsible and respectful. Her dad is no help, he won't even ask her to come for weekend visitations.
I've decided that she's gonna have to start getting up on time for the bus. If she misses it, I'll drive her at a cost of a $5 allowance reduction/weekend grounding if she runs out of money. She gets $20/wk allowance currently if certain small chores are done, which she IS complying with. I'm going to draw up a morning schedule, and set timers for her to be ready at certain periods of time. I'm going to make it lights out/TV off at 9:30. If that is violated, the tv in her room gets removed.
She tells me she isn't drinking or doing pot anymore and I haven't seen any new evidence, thankfully. But her clothes smelled like cigarettes last week and I suspect some of these kids are doing drugs/booze/cigs etc. The therapist recommended not forbidding her from these kids, but I dunno...
Thank you for reading my novella and I'd appreciate any suggestions from you parents that have btdt in similar situations with your teens. Should I try to limit contact with these slacker friends? What would you do about the disrespectful language?
Ya know, when I was her age, it would never have occurred to me to defy my parents as she does.
Thanks,
worriedma

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Hi worriedma,
Hey worriedmom. Sounds like you've got a handful. I think you're on the right track. I'd probably remove the tv now. There really isn't any reason for a tv in her room anyway. Don't take it away as a punishment, but offer it like a reward. Explain that once she shows improvement with getting her assignments in on time and shows a better overall attitude towards you, you may consider putting the tv back in her room, but it must be a long term committment and not a short lived bribe. Tell he that it's not a punishment; if you must, simply tell her that you made a mistake and realize now that having a tv in her room is probably not a good idea for now.
You can draw up a contract of sorts with her. Go over what your expectations are for a young woman her age and list them out accordingly. For instance, if you think she can handle a pt job on top of her school work, then say so and make it an expectation. Or, if she can't handle a job, go over which household responsibilities she can do. In your contract you can list out her daily duties and weekly duties, a GPA range you expect her to maintain, etc.
I would definitely begin any conversations with praise for her good behavior, such as maintaining her curfew and staying away from drugs and alcohol. Some parents may argue with my view on smoking cigarettes, but if she's staying away from drugs and alcohol and she's maintaining her curfew, I personally would let the cigarette issue roll for now. IMO, based on what she's dealing with in regards to her father, this just doesn't seem like one more thing to be nagging about. Yes, it's important but keeping her off drugs and binge drinking is more important. As for hanging out with 'slacker' friends, open your home up to her friends. You will quickly learn which friends are the true losers because they won't want to hang out there. Open your home and give them some semblance of privacy so they can be themselves and have fun and listen to thier music. You of course can have rules such as no abusing drugs/alcohol and no foul language, etc., but provide snack and a comfortable place for her friends to be with her at her 'home'. It won't take long for her to figure out (and you) which ones are real friends and which are losers.
Learn to trust her a little more and point it out to her. "Look honey, I'm saying no for this, but remember last week when you wanted to go to the mall with so and so? I trusted you, right? See? I do trust you, and this time I'm telling you no not because I don't trust YOU, but for other reasons, such as..." She has to know that you have faith in her to become a better person and to stay on top of her life, make better choices and choose better friends. You kind of have to give her the opportunity to fail, if you will. And try not to say, "I told you so" when she screws up. Try to look at it as another learning opportunity.
Another thing to keep in mind is that very often high performing kids suddenly fall apart or fall behind at the HS level. It is very common and maybe that can be something YOU discuss with her counselor. I hope you're taking the opportunity to visit with the counselor on your own as well without your dd. You need the support and venting sessions as well. Perhaps the counselor will be able to go over this with you and help you learn how to choose your battles, where to give in, where to stick to your guns, and what to worry about versus what to ignore. So much typical teen behavior is just that. I've found that having a sense of humor about things also helps. I mean, sometimes my girls don't realize how ridiculous they sound until I bust out laughing - then they either get annoyed or laugh too.
Hugs and hang in there.
Edited 9/5/2006 4:37 pm ET by momsacupcake
This is really good advice and I plan to use alot of it with my own two teens and preteen. Hope it helps you too worriedma! Thanks.
Deb
Other than that, ITA with opening your house to the "loser" friends, you may even find that despite them having their own host of problems, they are basically good kids who you like. And if DD is at your house with them, you know she's safe.
GL!
Hearts, I agree with your good advice.
And true, having a sense of humor helps.
Makes them stop and think and see a situation
differently.
Hugs,
~*~ there's nothing that a nap can't cure (wink!).... ~*~
~*~ Aloha to all .... ~*~
Good idea about just leaving the kid--when somebody is ranting and being unreasonable, they won't "hear" anything said to them anyway.
Thanks, Daysymay. I think she realized she's gone over the line on her own. We had a much better evening last night, I told her I wasn't going to take her disrespect and she got her own self up and out on a timely fashion this morning.
Thanks for your kind words.
I've already tried opening our home to the kids and they are here some of the time, but they prefer to be where there are no parents in attendance or the parents are invisible. I actually (unobtrusively) observe what's happening with the kids while here, so they'd rather be elsewhere where there is lesser supervision. I have a rule that she cannot go over any kids' home where parent isn't home past 6pm--nobody's home till then due to work. But, to enforce this, ya have to either trust the kid or call the parent. This is one of the reasons I insist on being the driver home when they go out--I know what cars parents drive, etc.
She laughed at my previous attempt at a "contract". In spite of her shyness, this is a girl who is very strong willed and can be very argumentative. So, my describing my reasons for telling her no, usually ends up in an argument. My "reasoning" and "explaining" doesn't seem to get through to her at present. I agree with you about not using "I told you so". That doesn't help kids learn.
I believe trust is a choice we make based on the history of behavior. Right now, she hasn't built up enough "good" history for it to be a reasonable choice for me to completely trust her. Make sense?
I have also told her that if she engages in any more prohibited activity, ie, booze/pot, with these "friends", her access to them would be severely restricted. I have also told her I want her to enlarge her circle of friends this year, but I haven't seen any moves on that yet. Our HS puts out a 3 week progress report which will distribute soon, so I'll have info. on whether she's putting in any effort at school. I do see her doing work at home.
The counsellor she had doesn't appear to have been a good fit, so I'm starting to search for somebody else. At least she didn't pick a fight last night and was far more cooperative this morning.
Yes, finding the right counselor definitely makes a difference, as long as your dd is willing to go, and actually talk! I used to drag my 16dd and she'd sit there like a bump on a log and only answer with nods. It was very annoying, especially since her pyschiatrist would not treat her unless she was seeing a counselor. I felt like I was throwing money away so I started going instead. I needed to vent anyway and it helped maintain my sanity!
You know your dd best and it sounds like you know what to do. I only caution you against too many restrictions - it can backfire and she may just learn how to be the best sneak in town. Best of luck.
I hear ya, the last thing I want to do is to encourage secretive behavior.
Thanks.
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