What to do with teen DD?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
What to do with teen DD?
12
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 1:38pm

Hi all, I'm brand new here on this site, looking for some feedback on a situation with my HS soph daughter.

Background, she's 15, extremely intelligent and artistically talented, but extremely moody, rather shy and timid with others. Our school district has her classified in their gifted program due to high IQ, but since she did so poorly last year in honors classes, she's in regulars this year. Dad and I divorced nearly 4 years ago, terrible conflict. Last year she lived mostly with him, did very poorly in school and I discovered later, was not very well supervised. We both live in the same neighborhood. Her dad can be very verbally abusive and has a hair-trigger temper and doesn't hesitate to ridicule her when he feels she hasn't performed to his standard. About 2 years ago, she stopped eating and lost a bunch of weight, but now seems to me to eat more normally, now she's 5'8" and 125, slim but not unhealthy and usually makes pretty good food choices. I really don't like several of her "slacker" friends and she's got an extremely apathetic attitude. She gets very verbally aggressive with me at times. She has this irrational attitude of "I can't help myself, I'm upset/angry/frustrated"--like that's an excuse for rudeness and laziness. I had her going to a psychotherapist for a while after the substance abuse, but I don't think it was the right person. I'm looking for somebody new that I can afford. Money, unfortunately, IS an object.

Last spring, Dad kicked her out of his house to come live with me because she wasn't getting herself up on time for the bus. He left home before she did. In cleaning out her room he discovered evidence of marijuana use. So, she's been exclusively with me since and has hardly seen or spoken to him since. When she does, he's awful to her. Well, over the summer I had hard evidence of two drinking episodes and found cigarett butts in her room. I drug tested her once with a home use kit and it was thankfully clean. She whines on and on how I don't trust her. Well, duh, like they say. Plus, my gut tells me she's lying to me some on where she is and gets furious with me on verifying that other kids' parents are home when she's over there. It floors me with some of the stuff her friends can get away with with their parents. She does meet her curfew. Usually I pick the group up if they go out so I can see if anybody is stumbling, slurring, smelling like pot, etc. She was so lazy all summer, I encouraged a pt job, but she wouldn't even try. Frankly, if I were the one hiring at a groc store or burger joint, I wouldn't hire/keep her with her attitude.

I've tried to be very tolerant and loving since her Dad can't be, but that's not working well and I need to become far more strict I think. School has just started here and already, she's not doing all the work on a timely basis and fighting about getting off to school on time in the mornings. Local HS starts rediculously early, so the bus comes at 6:40. I've been driving her, but even then, I have trouble getting her out to the car on time. The foul mouthed attitude has gone over the top recently. I'd be a fool to tolerate any more of the way she yells at me. And frankly, I allow myself to be drawn into yelling back at her. I have to stop that. I can't stand these morning dramas--I have to get myself to work and her younger sis to elementary school. None of us needs to start the day off so stressed.

Basically, I'm looking for suggestions on how strict to become under these circumstances and for suggestions on how to encourage her to become more responsible and respectful. Her dad is no help, he won't even ask her to come for weekend visitations.

I've decided that she's gonna have to start getting up on time for the bus. If she misses it, I'll drive her at a cost of a $5 allowance reduction/weekend grounding if she runs out of money. She gets $20/wk allowance currently if certain small chores are done, which she IS complying with. I'm going to draw up a morning schedule, and set timers for her to be ready at certain periods of time. I'm going to make it lights out/TV off at 9:30. If that is violated, the tv in her room gets removed.

She tells me she isn't drinking or doing pot anymore and I haven't seen any new evidence, thankfully. But her clothes smelled like cigarettes last week and I suspect some of these kids are doing drugs/booze/cigs etc. The therapist recommended not forbidding her from these kids, but I dunno...

Thank you for reading my novella and I'd appreciate any suggestions from you parents that have btdt in similar situations with your teens. Should I try to limit contact with these slacker friends? What would you do about the disrespectful language?

Ya know, when I was her age, it would never have occurred to me to defy my parents as she does.

Thanks,
worriedma

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 3:51pm
Your situation sounds so similar to mine I cant get over it.My dd just turned 17 and has been given just about everything she has ever wanted to her.That was a huge mistake.Now that im in the process of getting a divorce that has changed due to financial reasons.She did get a pt job this summer and is working the weekends during the school year so she has some of her own money which has been good for both us.I didnt want her to have to work while she was still in hs but things happen and it has been the best thing that could have happened.If you can get your dd to do that I think both of you will be amazed at the results.It really made my dd feel so much better about herself.dd is also in honor classes and I hope that working weekends will not interfere with her school work.Honestly I dont think things could get any worse after last year.I know that part of it is the divorce that has been dragging on for over a year and it is ugly and her dad has pretty much nothing to do with her even though he lives 10 minutes away.She is a very beautiful young woman who couold be a model and looks older that what she is so she always has older guys after her and she is really enjoying that attention.I think part of it is she is looking for attention from any guy because of her dad having nothing to do with her but maybe im wrong.I had to start doing something I have never wanted to do but I knew something was going on and no matter what I tried I couldnt get her to talk which is unusual since we have a very close relationship but I read her diary.She doesnt know this and its very hard for me not to say anything because it made me sick with worry about the things I read.She has been making out with several guys including one that is married and 30 something,going to a bar and getting kicked out,taking off her shirt in front of a bunch of guys at a party because she was drunk just to name a few.When I try to talk to her she is very disrespectful and there are times I cant stand her.I finally made an appt with a counselor and at first she said she wasnt going so I didnt say anymore about it and then she brought it up.I guess I was lucky because he seems to be working out really well and she really likes him.What I hate the most out of the whole situtation is that I dont feel like I trust anything she says or does and am at a point where I dont feel like I ever will.I would really like to try to talk to her about this but cant seem to find a way to bring it up without her getting very defensive.Sorry I couldnt offer any advice and it turned into my own vent but I would like to thank the other posters for their responses and im going to try some of their ideas.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 6:57am

TV in a teenager's room tends to be trouble from the get go when it comes to getting their hineys out of bed on time in the morning... when my kids earned the $$ to get their tvs themselves we did let them get one, but we retained the right to take them away if they weren't getting out of bed - just for a week at a time, coz otherwise they have nothing to work for and nothing to loose if "the tv is gone forever."

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