What to do w/17yo dd
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 12-09-2006 - 8:57am |
When I got pregnant with her I was 21. I wanted her but the father didn't. I had her anyway and became a single mom. He was in and out of her life. He had little to do with her. She was a hard child with school. She never wanted to go. I faught and faught with her into high school. She wanted to go live with her dad and his wife in 2001, so I let her go. I was devestated but she wanted to get to know her dad and he "acted like he wanted her" but his wife was who took care of her. They were very very strict with her and she had a hard time dealing with them so of course she wanted to come back with me. She jumped out of her bedroom window on the second floor of thir house so i took her back. Things were really hard. She went back to giving me trouble about attending school and I was being threatened by the school system that I would be thrown in jail. I tried counseling for her and meds but she faught me on them too. The counselors told me there was nothing they or I could do if she didn't want the help and participate in the treatment. In 2005 my mom died. I was very close to my mom. Right before my mom died I tried to get more child support from dd's dad but had no success. He asked her to move back in with him. When my mom died dd told me the day before I was going to bury my mom that she was moving in with her dad that night. I was too devestated and worn out to care to be honest and said go ahead. I decided to move in with my bf and his son because I didn't want to be alone and dealing with my losses by myself.
Now she likes to call me and complain about how much she hates it with him and his wife and on and on. I have tried to help her as much as I can but it isn't good enough. She is nasty to people around her, like her dad, me and her bf. Her bf and her asked me last week if I thought my dd was bipolar. I have bipolar and I always thought my dd had it and so did some docs but she wouldn't take meds for it. I told them both yes I believe she is. Her bf asked if meds would help, I said yes they would. I called her dad and talked to him about this. Well, I found out she doesn't( once again) want to take meds and he doesn't feel she is bipolar, though he knows nothing about bipolar...ooookkk.
Her and I got into an arguement because I asked her about the bipolar thing. We are getting into arguements so much and no matter how nice I try to put things or how I try to word things not to upset her it leads into an arguement. I am either not saying something right, her words, or I am nagging. We can't even have a 5 minute conversation. She has major anger issues and I can't get her to get the help she needs and her dad is on her side on this so I have no support to help her.
Should I just back off from talking to her for awhile and just let her call me? Should I stop asking questions and let her and her dad deal with it since she lives with him? It seems as though she doesn't want my help.
I tried to give as much info without writing a book.
Tina

WOW...not even a hello and welcome to our board. Even if someone didn't have an answer to my problem you could have said hello.
Don't worry I won't be back to this particular board. Shame on the CL here.
Tina
~ Tina ~
Weekends are always slow around here-I imagine things will pick up with the M-F routine
I personally started to read your post but shied away when I saw it was "custodial".
I have no experience with those issues and find my responses tend to be naive(lets all just get along.... ;))
But I could have said welcome so...welcome!
Well I wanted to say hello too. Sorry you're going through this, I didn't reply myself because I don't have any btdt experience. Good luck to you and your dd. It's a scary thing when kids won't take their meds. Someone else likened it to "would you stop taking your high blood pressure medication?" They have to know it's something their body needs, and it doesn't make them any less of a good person to take the meds.
Sorry you are going through all this. My DH is bipolar so I know a little of whata it's like to deal w/ that and I really can't imagine 2 people who are bipolar living in the same house.
If dad has custody right now, let him deal w/ the problems. If she is calling and arguing w/ you, you don't have to put up w/ it, right? Do you have a regular time you see DD each week? If not, maybe that would be a good idea for you to go out to dinner or go shopping together or whatever. But it seems like she asked to live w/ dad, then she complains if he's too strict. If he isn't abusing her and is just making her live by normal rules, than I would not let her come back to live w/ you. That's just letting her play the 2 parents, who don't really seem to communiate that well, against each other.
So if she calls and says "I hate living w/ dad" and it doesn't seem to be a major problem, the answer is "well, that's where you chose to live", esp. if she's not even nice to you. I wouldn't even get into the middle of it. She will have to learn to deal w/ him directly.
Thanks everyone for your responses. I am overwhelmed with all this and needed other parents to talk to. It can be so frustrating being a parent and wanting to always do the right thing.
I forgot about it being a weekend and not a lot of people are on during that time.
I look forward to getting to know all of you.
Tina
~ Tina ~
She did ask to live with dad and wants to complain he is too strict. I didn't make this choice.
She wants to talk to me about things in her life, but I am not allowed to have an opinion or tell her how I feel about what she is or isn't doing. Ex: she had a visa/bank card that her and her stepmom had together in her stepmoms name. My dd got mad at her dad because he refused to buy her cloths, which yes she did need, but anyway, she took the card and overdrew on it buying cloths. I think she thought it would affect her dad and not her stepmom...either way it was way wrong. I let into her about doing this and she told me she didn't need a lexture. I said, you know my number when you need help with something though and she hung up on me. Our conversations lead into arguements lately almost all the time. I feel so much
~ Tina ~
She keeps talking to you about things, but doesn't really seem to want the advice? If it were me, whenever she complains how tough she has it, I'd be tempted to gently remind her that while yes I'm sure it's tough, it is a decision that she made. And, it wasn't like it's the first time she's been at her dad's to live. I'd be hesitant to allow her to bounce back and forth. She does need, at 17, to realize that sometimes even when something is not going how we like it to, that we have to suck it up and deal with it.
It sounds like she's just wanting a sounding board, someone to vent to. Try inserting a lot of "uh huh"s and "that sure sounds difficult", etc when she says something, and just not giving advice. As hard as that would be, it would probably cut down on the arguments. And, then if she asks for advice I'd remind her that she really didn't seem to want it before now.
I don't have BTDT advice, as my oldest is 14. We've had several conversations with her and laid a lot of things out on the table, so she understands where I'm coming from and why I make the decisions I do.
Sallie