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| Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:37pm |
The regulars know that I have had some trouble with 14dd so one of the things I do regularly is monitor the computer. She recently started the my space thing, which is something my 16ds has been doing for some time. I've let both kids know that I monitor and that the internet is not private at length. But one day my ds16 walked in and saw that I had assessed my dd's myspace page, and he knows the only way to do that is to have the password. I admitted I have all passwords b/c of the spyware on my computer.
He immediately wanted to know if I'd been on his my space (I had, but not much). He felt kind of offended, and rightfully so in a way because he has never done anything to lose my trust. I explained the dangers of my space, etc. He talked about the "drama", etc. that goes on between friends and how I really have no need to know about that. I agree. He likened it to my installing a camera in his bedroom. By now, I was feeling guilty. I once again explained how the internet is not private, etc. and perfect strangers can see what he's doing. He explained that it didn't matter as much if they didn't "know him". Again, he has never done anything objectionable, on my space or otherwise. Not only is his page set to private, but he recently changed the way to find him by his first and middle initial, so that not just anybody could find him (by first and last name). The language being used on my space is not desirable, but the teens do talk that way to each other. My ds16 is one of the few in his group who doesn't smoke, drink, or otherwise - he calls himself "straight edge". I've done enough monitoring to know he's telling the truth.
What do you think? Do I monitor his my space or not?

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IMO, yes you should continue to monitor his myspace. At a certain point it's more about strangers and thier comments or behaviors and ds' reaction to them that is more worrisome than what your routinely has on his myspace.
I wish myspace and others like it would be shut down.
I would have never let on that I knew the passwords...duh...but I was caught "red handed" kwim?
IMHO, if he's proven to be trustworthy, then don't check his MySpace. Let him have some privacy.
Mily
I disagree, I don't think 'the point' is that the OP is the one paying for internet. EVERYONE is entitled to a certain level of privacy and while as a parent it's our job to educate our children about the dangers in the real world and while there are times when we may feel the need to snoop because we suspect our kids are involved in something bad, supplying them with a room and the internet does not mean we can just barge in, spy, or break down the door at our whim.
In a perfect world our kids would share everything with us. In a realistic world, we would create an atmosphere that encourages honesty and trust and an environment where our children will feel comfortable sharing parts of thier lives with us. At 16, the OP's son is within his rights to expect privacy. However, the OP is within her rights to snoop into his email and account not because she pays for it, but because she has concerns for his overall safety.
I think that it is so small minded to believe that because a parent PAYS for ________ (fill in the blank) that it gives him/her the right to know everything they say or feel at any given moment. That creates the perfect breeding ground for mistrust, sneaky behavior and lies. My dds' rooms are thier rooms. Have I ever snooped? Yes, a few times - once when I thought my older dd was smoking pot and another when I thought my younger dd was talking crap on IM with her friends. Both times I was right and we talked about it immediately. Otherwise, thier room is thier room - I do not routinely go in there and snoop around - instead we communicate openly. My 16dd had trouble on the internet last year so we monitored the internet and we've removed IM altogether. I have a direct link to dd's on line page and I peruse every few weeks. After going without the internet for 6 months, we all learned that it's not really that special and my girls lost interest so it's not really an issue. I'm not saying that having a net nanny program or the like is not okay, it is perfectly okay - but not because we pay for it - that is NOT the point. Everything in parenting is not as cut and dry as you always seem to make it.
It sounds like there are very differing opionions on this issue. My question is if a parent feels the need to snoop and pry into a 16 year olds MySpace, when the child is a "good kid", what happens at 18, when the child goes away?
May I share a story? My daughter was a pretty good kid in high school. She made really good choices. She shared quite a bit with me. I never felt like she was lieing or sneaking around. When she was a senior in high school, I lifted all rules. She had no more curfew. She could choose to not go to school and I'd call in for her. Several things happened that year:
1. She really grew into a very independent young woman.
2. She made a few not great choices that led her to not make them again. For example, staying out until 2am on a school night and then going to school the next day.
3. Many of her friends parents could not believe I had done this and were hesitant about their kids sleeping at our house.
Then she left for college the next year. Her roommate was put on probation after the first semester. Several of her old acquaintances from high school either dropped out or flunked out their first year. She showed me photos online of many kids drunk beyond belief.
All of these kids who had never experienced "freedom" were now totally abusing that privlege. My daughter was still calling me on the rare time she didn't want to attend class to ask if it was ok. She finished her first year with all A's. Now, at age 23, she is quite a young woman. She has a great job, has been praised over and over for her high work ethic, and seldom misses a day. Some of those kids she went to high school with, the ones whose parents thought I was nuts? Well some of those kids are back home. Some got married. Some moved away.
I share all of this because at 16, it is my belief that you need to allow a "good kid" not only privacy but a little bit of freedom and independence so they can test the waters while still at home, where it's safe.
Audrey :)
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Audrey :)
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Myspace-wow, that was a hot button issue around my house tonight, too.
IMO,monitor it.
People will see your DS's screen name and photo on other's space, even if he has his profile set to private. They may not see his profile, but they can see his comments, and other's comments to his comments. So, while he is a good trustworthy kid (Im jealous), you need to see his friends space (which you can access through his account)just to check up and make sure everyone is being safe (not giving away identifying information) about your DS.
(In my snooping I saw a threatening comment about my DD on someone elses page.)
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