What do you think of a kid that tells...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
What do you think of a kid that tells...
7
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 3:26pm
you EVERYTHING? I'm just not quite sure what to make of this! My oldest bio child is my 13 year old daughter, and while we are very close and I wouldn't describe her as "secretive", I know there are plenty of things she keeps to herself. I remember those days, and believe me - there were lots of things I giggled about with friends that I would NEVER have told my mom! But my 15 year old foster son just says virtually every thought that comes into his head and everything he does. Sometimes it's friend stuff - some kid was trying to talk him into going down to the river for a beer, and he came home and told me all about it. He's also told me that he's been offered drugs and said no. (these things are pretty positive, for sure - I can reinforce my values). Tells me personal things about friends of his (things they probably don't want me to know). Tells me too darn much related to sex...good thing I'm not easily embarassed! You may have read my post earlier on a related topic - and last night he conversationally informed me of how often he...well, maybe I'm a little more easily embarrased than I thought *blush*. Just 5 minutes ago, he came to tell me that his friend had given him a slightly "dirty" magazine...and says "But all the models are in bikinis. He was going to buy me a Hustler but I told him Stasia definitely wouldn't let me have one of those." Of course, it crossed my mind that I woudlnt' even KNOW he had one if he just didn't tell me! So why does he do this? I can't figure out whether it is just his personality, or whether past abuse has given him a compulsion to "confess", or whether he is deflecting attention (the one thing he WON'T talk about - ever!, under any circumstance - is his bio family and the problems they have parenting). At first I was really glad that he is so open and tells me everythng - but I'm actually beginning to wonder if it is unhealthy - a sign of poor boundaries??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 3:47pm

Some of it may be looking for you to give him advice and guidelines because he interprets those as evidence of caring and he desperately wants someone to care.

But how often he, I assume, masturbates? That seems to be crossing a line and not getting where boundaries lie. You're not one of the guys and I guess I would tell him exactly that

My now 18 yr old went through a time in his early teens where he would kind of joke with me(not inappropriate but definitely like he would with a pal)and them lightly punch me in the upper arm. It was not abusive-please dont misread. I had to remind him several times that I was not one of the guys and I didnt like to be hit, however lightly!

It sunk in after several reminders but yeah, I think he just didnt get it because that was how he spent his school day and he just came home and continued it(he also has 2 brothers and no sisters so...)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 5:14pm
Yeah, that's what he meant. I think some of it is becuase he hasn't got any accurate information about those personal topics and never really had anyone to ask -so I think he's trying to find out if he's "normal". Does that make sense? My response last night was basically "That's completely normal and healthy and also pretty private - please keep it to yourself." I'm TRYING to get across the idea that I'm available for any genuine questions, but that I really don't need to hear all about it. (another example includes spontaneous erections - again, he mentioned that, but was honestly wondering WHY it happens and if it means he's a "pervert". This is my first teen and my first boy, so it's a bit of a learning curve! LOL) . Funny - he also does the joking around and shoulder punching stuff! Definite boundary issues..I'm not sure how to help him with that without shutting down all dialogue! (ironic side note - I've read some posts on this board that I assumed were trolls/pranks because I assumed no kid would EVER tell his mom about sex related stuff...and now I'm wondering if I was too harsh!)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 8:02pm

It is kinda unbelievable that he tells you about masturbating and spontaneous erections... wow. (but of course I believe you!)

My son used to have a friend that didn't seem to know some boundaries and I think my son said it very well when he told me "there's nothing wrong with M. he just hasn't developed social skills because his parents weren't around to teach them to him."

I also went through the shoulder and arm punching phase with my son! And like Wind, I also told him over and over that I wasn't one of the boys! Thankfully that's over with!

Good luck and you are to be commended for taking in a foster child.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 8:18pm
Your son is very perceptive! That's a lot of what it is like with A. (in fact, I'd have to say that not only were his parents NOT around to teach him social skills, but they were probably actively modelling very POOR social skills!) He's got he school yard language and vague ideas - believe me, he's not using the VOCABULARY "masturbation" and "spontaneous erections" ;-) He just doesn't have much accurate information and is looking for answers to some questions. He doesn't have many friends, and sure doesn't know how to fit in! one thing that the kids at school always comment on is that if you ask him a simple question like "how's it going?" you'll get his whole life story! EVERYONE knows all the details of him being in foster care, etc.! I've been thinking, and MAYBE the reason he feels more free to ask me this stuff is because I'm NOT his mother, and I've actually been his teacher for a year (that is how I met him in the first place). Even though I teach Social Studies and not Sex Ed, LOL! But you'd be suprised what teens WILL ask a teacher or other "objective" adult. Maybe it is less embarassing than asking a parent, I don't know. A close friend of mine also suggested that he tells me about the beer, the magazines, etc because he wants me to know and acknowledge that he is making good choices.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 10:01am

The lack of boundaries is what draws my attention here, as well as what you've relayed about A's history.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 4:53pm
Rose - first the arm punching, LOL! I noticed something today while I was downtown for our "Rodeo weekend parade". SEVERAL boys that I teach in high school came up to say "hi", and ALL of them punched my arm,LOL What's with that? I've decided to take it as a high compliment, because only the ones that really like me do it - the ones I have less rapport with won't touch me, so I've decided to take it as the teen-age boy equivalent of a hug ;-) Now for the biggie - and I'm talking to you because of your BTDT experience. Over the past few months I've been thinking attachment disorder. He isn't technically diagnosed with it, but his counsellor said she believes there is probalby SOME degree of it, but likely not full-blown RAD. I didn't realize the poor boundaries where part of that, but one possible other sign I started to notice a few months age - he'll get all lovey and cuddly if he WANTS something, but not otherwise. Anyway, after doing the research I've been working on it with some real attachment work - making sure we spend lots of time together(we have a standing "breakfast date" on Sunday mornings), make sure that I NEVER make any kind of promise unless I'm SURE I can follow through - not even something as simple as cancelling our weekly breakfast, making sure that I'm the one that makes him his meals, washes his clothes etc. (the counsellor said to go right back like he was younger and make sure that I am doing the "taking care of him" sort of tasks, even if he is old enough to do some for himself now, The chores he DOES do are more or less things he can do WITH me, like cooking dinner.) etc. I think we've made a lot of progress (insert happy dance here...) two nights ago he looked up at me out of the blue, and NOT because he was asking for something, said "I love you SO much!" (He's NEVER said it straight out like that before, and he's even said in the past that "I like you but I can never love you, since I can only love my family.") I'm really hpoing that means I'm headed in the right direction..what do you think? Any advice? (sometimes I feel like my poor girls aren't getting as much of me since they are more independent - even the 8 year old!- but I guess that is becasue they ARE firmly "attached" and are able to be more independent). Sorry so long, Rose - thanks for listening. I appreciate everyone here, but there ARE different issues in raising a child that someone else has already damaged; and I visit some foster-parenting forums but they've mostly got much YOUNGER kids. You are my expert, LOL ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 10:24pm

Re: Foster Parenting sites.... I too checked all the foster parenting sites I could find when S came to us, he was 17 at the time.