What happened to my sweet little girl?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
What happened to my sweet little girl?
9
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 10:17am

What happened to the sweet little girl who always came to mommy first - who couldn't get enough of family time - who told me secrets and loved my advice?

It's so different now that she's 14 and a freshman in high school. The past month has been horrible for me. It all started with high school registration about a month ago and just gets worse each day now that school has started. She's more distant, she snaps at me all the time, she asks me for advice and then pooh-poohs it as if I'm an idiot and can't possibly understand. She is sweet when she wants something and then snotty when she gets it. I feel like the banker and the chauffer all of a sudden and I'm tired of the daily fights.

She's a great kid - she's got a ton of friends and she's active in school and church. Is it just that she's beginning to want her independence more and more? She says she loves high school so far. She's joined the student council and she's gotten a part in the school play. She's in the french club and has a good handle so far on her class schedule and grades (of course it's early). She makes new friends very easily and she has some very good friends that she's been with for years. There's no evidence of anything bothering her - I check instant message records and myspace comments on a daily basis.

Is it just that my little girl is growing up and needing to be in charge? I've been told by many moms that the teen years will be hell. I want to be included in her special times . . . I want to hear about the boyfriends . . . I want to help her pick out the dance dresses - but right now I think that my involvement will be to drive them where they may be going and dish out the cash when she's ready to buy a dress.

Any advice on how to handle this? My first instinct is to go back to work full-time so that I feel needed again. Since she was small I've been getting out of work early in the afternoon so that I could pick her up from school and be there for her and her friends who had moms that worked full-time. It's been so great being there and being needed. Now I'm feeling depressed and lonely.

We had a fight this morning when I dropped her off at school and her last comment to me as she got out of the car was "you really need a hobby mom."

Thanks everyone.
Mags

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 11:13am

Wow, I don't even know what else to say, but Wow.....

If you read any of my posts about dd14 also freshmen, you would see that we are living quite similar lives!

As I'm being adviced here - it will apparently get worse before it gets better, it's a rollercoaster, etc

I always thought that the talking and closeness we had when she was younger would carry over into her teenage years; I was dead wrong. I am struggling to live through it and learn to give her her space and just be here when she falls. Mine still tells me bits and pieces, but nothing like I used to get.

Just read your post again....and can still only say wow....

Lots of hugs, I know I've needed them badly and can soooooo relate....




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 11:37am
Kel is right - it does get better.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 1:01pm

This age is very, very difficult. They are younger than 3/4 of the kids in the school and they see the freedom that those kids have and automatically think they should have it too. They don't understand that those kids are older than they are and that in many cases, the parents really don't care what those kids do.

I would give it another couple of weeks and if there isn't any improvement, sit down with her and just explain to her how you feel and that you understand this is frustrating for her but that she has to earn that freedom and in some cases, she will never get to do what other kids do. Tell her you miss her and would like to spend some time with her but also let her know that you do not expect to be involved in every single detail of her life.

I made a rather different choice about working. I worked when they were younger. I had a wonderful day care situation. I knew my girls were loved and safe and happy. I felt that I would honestly be needed more when they were teens and I couldn't get day care for them. In my case, it worked for me. I work part-time now and have been lucky enough to work while the girls are in school. She may be right, you may need a hobby. I like to garden - pulling weeds helps me to take out my frustration with my kids in a positive way. I also like to read. During the 14 - 16 year range, I read alot of books on raising teens - take them with a grain of salt and an open mind. I also joined some Bible studies at church. I started and finished my Master's Degree during this time. When our kids are little we become centered around them but as they get older we have to figure out how to make that shift. Think about something you would like to learn and go for it.

I can promise you that this is absolutely normal and it will pass in a few years. DD didn't particularly want me prom shopping with her but it was real simple - I pay, I go shopping and you are nice to me. I would let her go with her friends just to "practice shop" but when it came time to get serious, I went and had we had a ball (still laugh 2 years later about my size 6 child getting stuck in a size 2 dress - gymnastics in the dressing room).

Good luck - it will get better, eventually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 1:11pm

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Yup, I think that's it in a nutshell. Or two nutshells, actually.

As someone from this board has said very profoundly in the past, it's a teenagers' 'job' to pull away from his or her parents and form an identity separate from moms' and separate from her family.

It sounds like your DD is growing up into a wonderful young lady that you can be proud of. Instead of mourning the loss of your 'little girl', why not celebrate the lovely young woman she is growing into? Feel proud of her! It sounds like you've done a bang-up job in setting her off on the right direction.

Okay, well I'm not too keen on a disrespectful and/or ungrateful attitude, so that would be something I'd want to address with her.

Lastly ... maybe it is time for a hobby. I for one, don't think I'd be sitting around 'waiting' and 'available' at her beck and call to chauffer her and/or her friends around and about. Being 'asked' if you're available is much preferred over being told. Especially since you are the adult!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 1:18pm

From reading the 1st 2 comments, it made me think back also on how my DSD changed when she started 9th grade, more so than my DD, or maybe I can look at her more objectively. DSD had been a very obedient little kid. Her mother died when she was 3 so it was just her & dad. The first year they moved in w/ us she went to 8th grade. We knew there would be some adjustment and hard to make friends in a new school, etc. but she did ok. Then suddenly in 9th grade, she was like a totally diff. person. She started skipping school. I think part of the problem was that she found Math too hard and instead of telling us and we could get a tutor or whatever, her solution was not to go to school and fail math! Then we found out (unfortunately many $$$ too late) that she had been using her cell phone and charging up the minutes. Now you could understand more if she had just gotten the cell phone, but she had it at least for a year w/ no problems so we didn't expect anything.

My DH was probably as frustrated as you moms because he told me about all the stuff they used to do together when she was little. Now she has turned into a real PITA and their relationship is really strained and he doesn't know how to deal w/ the changes.

My cousin whose kids have now graduated from college, tells me that things get better when then turn around 18, just at the time they are leaving home. I do see the ups & downs of maturity w/ my DD, who is a senior now. She is very responsible about doing homework, making good grades, working, etc. yet I still have to tell her 10 times to pick up her shoes from the living room. I am just happy that she hasn't had any major problems. Emotionally, she goes from rolling her eyes and telling me to stop nagging her to last night she gave me a hug when I came home cause she hadn't seen me in a couple of days. Yes, sometimes it seems like they only speak to you when they want something (my DH's current complaint) but remember the terrible twos? This stage will pass too. It is definitely an adjustment to not being so important in their lives compared to friends, but I think that's superficial. I think the parents are still most important. I do remember a sermon at church once where the minister was talking about "pick your battles". I let a lot of the sarcasm and eye rolling slide because it's just not worth it to pick a fight about every little thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 4:33pm
It gets easier as they grow older. High school is still so new to your daughter that she probably feels overwhelmed or just trying to find where she fits into her new role as a high school student. It gets better as they go along...not necessarily easier but better. Just give her space and time. Eventually, she'll come around. You might want to ease up a little and give her room to grow and develop because before you know it, she'll be off to college and if you feel it's difficult now, it's very hard to let them go if you don't have a life outside of your children's activities.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 9:11pm

Thank you all for taking the time and care to write such great responses. It's good to know that most of this is normal growing up and that I'm not alone in this area.

I'm hanging in there and will definately be posting more now that I know I have a place to come to for support and also to lend support to those that I can.

Again ... thank you. All of your responses make so much sense. On a bright note ... when I picked dd up from school this afternoon, she was back to being a gem and she's been wonderful all night. One poster called it a roller coaster - boy or boy is it ever.

Have a wonderful night everyone.

Mags

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 9:52am

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I couldn't agree more!

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 5:06pm
Read Anthony E. Wolf's "Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager". "Nuff said.