What if you don't like the boyfriend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
What if you don't like the boyfriend?
3
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 1:19pm
My 15 year old daughter is dating a guy, and he's "okay", but I'm just not real crazy about him. She is not really that much into him either, because she doesn't have an attraction to him at all, but she keeps trying to break things off, and he keeps talking her out of it. I tried to be welcoming and kind to him, and he can be relatively pleasant, but he's a smart a**, doesn't say thank you, constantly criticizes things I do (very disrespectful, in my opinion), they have nothing in common, and he lives 25 minutes away, and I always seem to be expected to run one way or another to either take her there or bring him here (parents always home). She seems to not want to break up with him simply because she feels bad, and it's going to inconvenience her best friend who is dating HIS best friend. (that's how she ended up with him in the first place). My daughter is a lovely girl, with a bright future and I hate to see her wasting her time dating at all, much less this guy. She should be with someone with big aspirations like she has...otherwise, I'm fearing she will start slipping to his level. He is one of those just getting by kinds...doesn't care that much about his grades or how well he does in anything, much less extra-curricular activities. I don't think he is experimenting with drugs or anything, but I know he has in the past and he did make a comment about the beer that my husband had in the fridge.
Anyway, I suddenly find myself feeling very unlikely to cooperate with regard to transporting either of them anywhere, nor do I feel like I want to invite him over. He picks on my 13 year old daughter, doesn't really even look at the younger kids, and has never spoken a word to my husband (who doesn't care for him either).
I have told her as nicely as I can, my feelings on him, but have told her that it's ultimately her decision. My problem is, if I don't support her dating him, I can not force myself to drive her to be with him, or have him over. What should I do? I really just wanted her to have a great summer with her friends!!!! I almost wish she'd do something bad, so I could ground her! Isn't that a shame???
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 9:21pm

At her age and under the circumstances, I see nothing wrong with simply saying you will not drive her there or bring him home but once every other week. And keep track of it.

Also, bring to her attention those times when he is rude or disrespectful to you or your other family members - keep in mind that if he is that way with her mother, chances are very likely that he may be even worse with dd!!

I think that it's nice you're allowing her to make the final decision, but it may very well be that she NEEDS you to step in and tell her what to do. If she lacks the wherewithall to make the break on her own, help her find the guts to do it with your help. You can help her find the right words, the reasons, etc., but talking about how your hope is that she choose someone more worthy to spend her time with. Staying with someone for the sake of her best friend is not okay, though I must say, it is typical of kids this age. haha.

She needs to feel better about herself so she stops wasting her time as well as his. Best of luck - I would definitely feel her out and see if she needs a push.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 11:11pm

You know when 2 best female friends are dating guys who also are friends and get along it is very inconvenient when one of them isn't. While they all get along there are opportunities for alot of double-dates and outings and it seems like the ideal situation ie you can be with your romantic friend and "friend" friend at the same time! So I can see how it would be difficult for a 15 yo to bring herself to end this arrangement because now that dynamic is gone.

From what you describe she wants it to be over but is finding it hard due partially to the above situation but also because its a difficult thing to do. You could, as the other poster recommended, just not make it always so easy for them to be together. The more they are apart the more she'll realize she doesn't really miss him after all. You could provide her opportunities to be doing other things -- tie her up in family obligations or social outings where he can't necessarily play a part.

You might also, if you feel up to it, appeal to the best friend when your dd isn't around. Let her know your dd may be unhappy but is too considerate for her friend's feelings to end the relationship. If she's a good friend maybe it will help out.

Lastly you could give her some tips on how to end it with tact and as painlessly as possible. Maybe she needs help with a bit of a "script" and some practice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 11:40pm
Thanks.
I tried making it difficult today by not agreeing to take her to his house or pick her up, and he got his dad to run her both ways! Tomorrow she won't be able to see him, and during the week when his parents can't do any driving because of work, I'll just make myself unavailable.
I talked to her tonight after she returned, and she said she still isn't really attracted to him, but they had an ok time together, and she is giving it more time. I reminded her that it's very hard to make yourself have feelings for someone, and that the longer she drags it out, the more attached to her he will become. Her friend from the state we used to live in is supposed to come for a week long visit soon, so that will help.
I don't hate the kid...I just think he isn't for her, and he isn't much fun to have around, ha ha!!!