What kind of mother am I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
What kind of mother am I?
3
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 9:16am

Hi-I post on here all the time but usually just answering other peoples posts about their teens and since I've started posting a whole new crop of problems has arisen with my 18 y.o. daughter and I'm wondering what other mothers out there would do if in my shoes?

My daughter, as I've posted many times, at 18 has had two serious relationships in her teen years; the first with a guy who ended up in rehab three times lately for a heroine addiction and alcoholism, who has been in and out of her life for three years now...and he's the one back in her life at the present moment.

He got out of rehab a month ago, had a different girlfriend when he went in, and is now "hanging out" with my daughter again (she is the one who initially contacted him, after not talking to him for 6 months) when she heard he was out.

Let me go backward a little...when they first dated (almost 3 years ago) you couldn't have asked for a nicer guy; he comes from a good family who have stood by him through all of this and have given him chance after chance when he relapsed; he has never treated my daughter badly. He broke up with her after a year to be with another girl (who was a mirror image of him) because, at that point, he and my daughter fought all the time..he was changing right in front of her eyes, because of the drug use, and she couldn't figure out why.

Well...now he's back in her life and I, as a mother, question why I am letting her get involved with him again to the point I am embarrassed to tell my family and friends who know him and his "problems" that I am allowing her to see him. Maybe allowing isn't the right word because at 18 she will do what she wants with him with or without my approval.

He is trying to get his life back on track..going to meetigs, abiding by his mother's rules now that she has allowed him back in but he has no job, no ambition to go back to school yet, no car (his parents sold it while he was in rehab for the third time) and I feel, at times, he uses my daughter for her car.

My daughter, and I am so proud of her, this time around with him has tried (and succeeded to a point) to not make him a priority..she works alot and pretty much sets the tone for the relationship..trying to see him only a few days a week.

Am I nuts for letting him back into her life? HElp~

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 9:47am

I don't think you have a choice. SHE is allowing him back into her life - and hopefully on HER terms. Hopefully she will not allow all his baggage to drag her down or shelf her goals. All you can really do at this point is offer your guidance and keep the lines of communication between you and your dd as open as possible. She needs to be able to trust that when she speaks with you about him, she will not be judged and ridiculed by you (which I'm sure you do not do).

If she stops talking with you or you notice that her priorities have started to slip or she's becoming too wrapped up in him, you should definitely let her know what changes you're seeing. Hopefully the trusting and open communication you've nurtured thus far will hold strong enough for you to tell your dd of any concerns without her freaking out on you.

I would definitely have a reserved cordial attitude with this young man. He is to be commended for his efforst at leading a drug free life, but with any addict, the tables can turn on a dime and he could be back at square one again. It's wonderful that you open your home to him and offer him the emotional support and encouragement that he may need at this time - but you must also have boundaries and if you feel he's 'using' dd for her car or leaning on her too much, you should really say something to her. Part of his sobriety and recovery involves learning how to become self sufficient as well as clean.

Hugs and best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 12:17pm

I have watched most every adult girl friend of mine do whatever they want in the dating world no matter how destructive it is. It really blows my mind when ANYONE who loves them can see that they are making a potential huge mistake (they tell the person it is a huge mistake) and then almost just to "show everyone" they become more stubborn about ending it. I have watched my husband's grown son get involved with two losers and just as soon as my husband voiced his opinion my step son decided both were "the one". It was so obvious that these girls had major problems. Both girls wound up pregnant now he is just as screwed up as they are. When my husband liked someone and encouraged the relationship my step son dumped them immediately.

I would tell your daughter that you really hope he is on the right track and that you want her to be happy. If he makes her happy then that's all that matters to you. If he is driving her car around then she needs to be working to provide the gas money for him. You should provide very little financial support in this relationship and let her see what he is really going to be made of.

STOP WORRYING ALL THE TIME!!!!! If you let up on the situation she'll probably dump him..
Good Luck.....I know you're scared.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 2:06pm

Dear kja, I know how hard it is to stop worrying about your children. Easier said than done!! But I do think that by keeping the lines of communication open between you and your daughter, you will be able to keep an eye on the relationship. As one of the others mentioned, if you see changes taking place in your daughter, then by all means, sit down and discuss them with her. With my DD, I have a bad habit of questioning her endlessly about the status of her relationship with her boyfriend. This summer I'm trying very hard to sit back, and watch and listen for changes in the situation. In other words, keep your eyes and ears open to DD's relationship.

Good luck. Nancy