What next??

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
What next??
6
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 8:23am
Well, most of you probably know about dd's bf whom we are not very fond of. He is 18, doesn't work and never seems to have any money. Friday our whole family of 5 went snowboarding. Well yesterday, bf decides he wants to learn how to snowboard and talked his mom into giving him money (again) and off he went with his buddy while dd went to work. I heard him talking to his mom on the phone before he went... let's just say that if dd talked to me like that on the phone, she would not be getting any money. DD worked until 9. Dh and I and the other kids went to bed around 10:15. Around 10:30 bf shows up (after snowboarding). I think he probably texted dd on her cell phone about coming over because the phone never rang. But here is the kicker!.... Dh and I fell asleep briefly. Curfew is 12 and dh went downstairs to ask bf what his plans were for getting home (he lost his license for 7 months for DUI). He said snowboarding buddy was going to pick him up and they were going to his house. He tried calling the buddy but couldn't get an answer (he was at his gf's house). We waited 20 minutes, I went back down and still no buddy. I said "get in the van I'll give you a ride." But geeeezzzz! I had not planned on getting up at midnight to give him a ride home! I was mad, dh was REALLY mad. He tends to overreact though and I told him to settle down and not say anything until we figure this out. It seems that dd MAY be somewhat interested in dating other guys now (they call and she calls them back). If we overreact, she will likely hold onto bf (it has happened before). They both know we were rather ticked off last night. I'm thinking I'll tell her when she wakes up that we didn' appreciate having to get up in the middle of the night to give bf a ride, and leave it at that. Dh would probably like to have some consequences and a lecture. What would you do?
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
In reply to: jupiterfit
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 10:06am

I would tell her that under no circumstances is BF allowed to come over after 9:00pm ever again, and if you find him in your house again like you did last night, there will be hell to pay.

I don't know what the 'hell to pay' would be, but I'd think of something! I think DD and BF were both rude and inconsiderate last night and you having to get up at midnight to give the guy a ride home to get him out of the house would have been the last straw for me. I think you've posted that this has happened before?

They're both old enough to be able to plan in advance and schedule their time together at more reasonable times. If they have to wait a whole 12 hours to see each other again, well ... so what? Neither one of them is going to die over that.

I hope that didn't come across to harshly, but I would be seriously bent out of shape if that happened to me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: jupiterfit
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 10:43am

Yeah I'd be bent out of shape too but....a word of warning from the voice of experience. When I was 18 my parents weren't too fond of my bf either. The didn't like him and they made it known at every opportunity. Me being 18 and intent on asserting my independance as an "adult" stuck to my guns and defended him at every opportunity. He was my first love, my only serious boyfriend and I was definitely blinded by my feelings as all young people in that situation are. Well let me tell you that he became sort of a "tool" for me to use to assert my own power and voice and I ended up marrying the loser...(that's a story for another day). At one point I remember kind of vascillating about him when we were going out and going to a party where I met this guy who was really nice and started calling me alot and I was kind of leaning towards breaking up with my bf. UNTIL my mom made a point of telling me that this guy proved there are so many better guys out there that I could get and I shouldn't settle for boyfriend. Well, that made him the underdog and made my stick to my guns even more.

But basically, be careful WHAT you choose to voice your displeasure over. IE make it about not wanting to be woken up at midnight to give the guy a ride but DON'T make it a personal attack about the boy because she WILL jump to his defence guaranteed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: jupiterfit
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 10:06am

I don't know how mad I would be at DD. I would simply remind her that curfew is 12:00 and that means company should be gone at 12:00 as well. Rather than get up myself and take him, I would have called his mom myself - he's her son. Let her deal with him. We have a rule in our house that if you are late for curfew (without calling) you will just have to come home that much earlier the next night. If it becomes a habit or you are very late, then the you just don't go out at all the next night. In your case, I might extend that to include the time company should leave.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jupiterfit
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 10:18am

What we've done with my 18dd is that if BF stays past the curfew of 10PM weeknights or Midnight weekends, she loses a night with BF.

It has happened and BF hates when they lose a night, so he's then on his best behavior to get out of our house on time next time. Lately, however, since dd has requested 'space' from the BF, the consequences don't seem to matter to her as much anymore. BUT, we give a strong lecture and remind dd that this is our house too and that have a right to privacy and the responsibility of making sure BF is out on time rests on thier shoulders not ours. If I fall asleep at 11 PM, I'm fairly certain that BF is out on time. There have been times, however, when we wake up the next day and find BF on the couch....then there is he!! to pay from H - he does not like that at all.

I think if you sit her down and explain it to her in no uncertain terms and lay down some strong consequences, and stick to them, you should be okay. I'd make the curfew to have him out earlier if he has trouble finding rides home so late.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
In reply to: jupiterfit
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 1:20pm
Thanks alot for the advice. I will do it. Seems easier to talk about it now rather than that night. I'm glad I didn't say much that night. So your dd has requested "space" from bf, huh? Do you think any of your advice to her helped her come to that decision? I'm beginning to feel hopeful. Perhaps my dd will some day soon. I have started to notice she seems somewhat interested in other guys. I don't want to jinx anything by asking. I know that can backfire! She did go snowboarding with friends, without bf. That was a huge step!
Deb
Debbie
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jupiterfit
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 1:36pm

You know, there have been times when I may think my timing is perfect to broach a subject with dd, but then she either clams up or tells me she has it covered!

I DO think she has taken some of what I've said and used it to make some decisions. My 18dd is a listener and a thinker. She takes it all in, thinks about it, decides if it applies to her situation and then either files it away until she thinks she needs it. For instance, in the case of her BF, we've had some conversations about how demanding and controlling he has been. I've given her my 2 cents on how a TRULY loving and caring BF would not try to control her or change his GF into a wallflower...that it changes her from the person he fell in love with in the first place, that it creates an unbalanced relationship, that it causes her to become resentful, etc. After one such discussion, while I was tidying her room one afternoon, I picked up some papers and saw some 'notes' she had written, in which she says exactly all those things. IN particular, she really went on about how he won't like the person she becomes...her personality will change as he tries to limit her or control her friendships etc. I was pretty impressed at how well she articulated herself. Apparently, that is what she does - she writes it all down and then practices what she will say so she doesn't forget or get tongue tied.

I've learned that dd will usually come to me when she needs to...if I push it, she only backs away. I can tell when something isn't right and sometimes I just have to fine tune my radar to know what's going on. Like right now, dd is enjoying her space away from BF, but on the other hand, she's feeling a little lonely because she doesn't have a lot of GF's to hang out with (they are all with thier BF's). She and BF are still going out, so she's not seeing other guys, but I think she fully intends to date other guys once she is at college - that is is she and BF actually make it to that point even! Anyway, I know what you mean about jinxing it!