What is a normal teenager?
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What is a normal teenager?
| Tue, 08-29-2006 - 8:00am |
Wow!! Who knew raising a teenager would be so hard!! I'm so glad I've found this board!! I will try to make a long story short. Two years ago we moved to a new state. My kids (dd 13 and ds 8 then) did not want to move. After a while they came around and loved where we moved to. There was another corporate "shake up" and we moved back to our original state. We put the kids back into the schools they were at previously. My ds is fine. My dd (now 15) hates (her words) it here. We've been back a year and her mood hasn't changed. She has a ugly attitude about everything and I don't know what to do. She "hates" her school, her life, herself, etc. She thinks she fat (she's actually skinny). Just everything is going down the tubes. The school she is in is a four star school, excellent academics, etc. She says "everyone" there does drugs, drinks or is having sex, therefore she doesn't want to be around them. I know every kid is not into all or any of that but I'm sure it exists. I'm proud of her for having such high morals but she can be extremely judgemental. I'm trying to find a way to deal with her negative thinking. I've talked to her about positive self talk. She doesn't want to hear it. She told me the other day she thinks she's bi-polar. I truly don't think she is but I'm not a doctor. She is extremely emotional, crying one minute and laughing the next. She seems to be working angry into that too now. My dh says she a typical teenager. Sometimes I think she is other times I'm not so sure. It appears to me sometime she's manipulating us with all of this. I've tried to sympathize and talk to her but she always ends up mad at me and says I want her to be perfect. I don't want her to be perfect nor do I expect it. She's always set high goals for herself and now she doesn't even want to talk about any goals. I don't push her I let it go. I can tell you if I saw someone else's child talk to their parents like she talks to me I would think the child needed to be grounded a good while. I haven't grounded her because I'm not sure what's really going on here, power struggle, attention, etc. I guess what I'm wondering is if this is truly normal or if I should seek out a counselor? Is it just time I put my foot down and say enough?

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Wow - it sounds like your DD is going through a really rough time - and so are you. (((HUGS)) - you're right it's not easy to be the mom of a teenager.
I *do* think it would be helpful to find a counselor for your DD. If she says she thinks she's bipolar, it may not mean that she really is , but to me it says that she feels out of control and needs/wants help. So many people resist counseling, thinking they can handle it themselves. If she's this sad and emotional, she may be open to talking to someone. It doesn't even really matter if the emotionality is "normal" or extreme - she sounds very unhappy. And if this is her normal state of being - in other words, she doesn't have long periods of relatively "ok" feeling - then it's not good.
Sue
This doesn't sound like manipulation to me. It sounds like she's really unhappy. She's telling you she is unhappy and thinks she needs help. Alot of times girls will simply act out in different ways. If she thinks she needs someone to talk to then find her someone. Ask her school guidance counselor for a referral to a good agency. Your dh says that she's a "normal teenager" -- well, he may just be in denial.
Now....if she IS just bluffing and seeking attention, a good therapist or counselor will figure that out and that will be that... but in the meantime, listen to her. She's telling you what she needs.
First of all hugs to you. That was such a difficult age for my DD. She felt that something wasn't right and it was very frustrating to her. We had many crying fests at our house. We gave her extra chores to do instead of grounding her and this helped some. After a while of her saying that something wasn't right, she agreed to go to a counselor. She was tested for learning disabilities and is now on medication for ADD. We rarely have those crying fests (except for an occassional PMS) b/c she is no longer so frustrated. Her confidence in herself has excelled. She is a totally different person. I don't think it's all b/c of the medication but it has helped. Also knowing that she has this problem has helped me to be more patient with her. If she thinks she has a problem, take her and get it checked out.
Good Luck!!
Firsts off, I'm sending you -- and your DD -- hugs because it sounds like you both need it!
I have to admit, I cringed reading your post because we are THIS close to uprooting our children (DD almost 15, and DS12) to move to another state. DD is in a school (10th grade) that she absolutely loves and for the first time since I don't know when, DS came home from school happy yesterday (7th grade). My worst fears about moving are exactly what you describe. What if it is a huge mistake? In my favor however, is that we have visited the area we want to move to and both kids are quite open to the change. And since we live in California, the grossly over-inflated and convoluted housing prices mean that once we leave here, we will mostly likely not be able to return.
But that sure doesn't help you much, does it? Considering that your DD's life has been turned upside down twice in two years, I think her behavior can be considered normal. Have you ever read the book "Queen Bees and Wannabees"? One of the things that stood out most to be in that book is that where our DD's are concerned, school IS their life. Even though we, as adults, see high school as a small period in life that is over relatively quickly, teenagers don't perceive it the same way. Because so much of their waking hours are consumed with school and related activities, not to mention just being in classes 6-7 hours a day what goes on at school is HUGE. So when things in their lives are stressful (and during these years, it will most likely be school-related) it has to manifest itself in someway. Teenagers don't have the option (as adults do) to change the stressors in their lives by changing schools (as an adult might change jobs when things get bad).
I don't think your DD is making this up. Something is definitely off-balance in her life and she is giving you every indication that she is unable to process it all rationally and make sense of her feelings. I feel her requests for counseling are very valid and ones you should take seriously and consider.
Would you be comfortable telling me what states/areas you moved to/from and also the circumstances under which you moved? Our move is weighing heavily on my mind, and moreso after reading your post.
Thanks so much for your opinions!! There's so much more that I didn't include and it would only make it much more obvious that we need help.
Who would I seek out to talk to her, therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist or a counselor. I really don't know if these are all the same with different names or different with how they approach matters. I don't want to go through the school to get a recommendation since I know alot of confidential information gets out. Possibly her pediatrician could recommend someone.
Thanks for any help you can give me.
Hydrangea Blue
We moved around within the midwest so there were no big cultural changes. My kids would move back to the other state in a heartbeat. They so loved it there. It was smaller schools, smaller classes and the teachers really got to know the kids and their parents. Every child that wanted to play a sport could. There were no cuts from the teams. Not that my dd played sports. As a family we visited before we decided to move there. We found the most amazing town. Then the corporate "shake up" came again and we were forced to decide if we wanted to move to yet another new place or come back to our original state. We discussed it as a family and decided to come back "home". This is where all of our family is at. It was not an option for my dh to keep his job. He's still with the same company just in a different capacity. I am a SAHM and if we had stayed and my dh got a new job I would have had to return to work. We didn't think that was a good choice. I want to stay home if at all possible thru their teen years. I know that may sound silly but I almost think she needs me more now than ever before. I'm not sure if this is going to help you but best of luck if you do move.
If you look for counseling, you should look for someone familiar with adolescent issues. A "therapist" or "counselor" may have similar credentials, but you can ask when you call. Some folks who do this work are Family Therapists, some are Psychologists, some are Social Workers - more important is finding someone that you and your DD feel comfortable with, and who can help develop a plan for your DD to begin feeling better. A Psychiatrist is a medical doctor - they can be key to an accurate diagnosis and can prescribe medication if it's needed - but for ongoing counseling, you'd want one of the others, too. Very often people work in clinics or teams, so there's more than one professional to help a family or teen.
You might start with either your Health Insurance company (see who they have In-Network for Behavioral Health) or if your company or DH's company has Employee Assistance. When I needed a counselor a couple of years ago, I found one through my company's E.A. They cover any family member for up to 3 visits, and then my insurance kicked in. A friend of mine did the same for her teen DD when she had some stress/school issues last year.
HTH
Sue
I wanted to respond to your post, Hydrangea, because we were in a similar situation five years ago. We moved from Arizona to Pennsylvania due to a my husband's career change. Our daughters were going into the 7th and 8th grade. And as you mentioned, I knew that once we made the move, we would never be able to afford to move back to our old neighborhood (Arizona is experiencing much of the same inflation as California always has).
Once my husband and I decided that the move would be best for our family, we then continually showed our children that, indeed, we were committed to the move and that things would work out for the best for our family. We viewed this move as a "team effort". We moved across country to a completely different climate (snow) and size of town (small-town). People had such sympathy for us because of our children's ages at the time of the move, but I felt that if my husband and I made the best of the situation and put up a brave front, our children would follow as well and that is indeed what happened. We were able to afford a wonderful home in a great neighborhood (due to the gains we made selling our home in AZ) and are continually in awe of everything our town has to offer, from the Friday night football games, to the holiday parades and so forth. What I love most is the changing of the seasons! It's absolutely breathtaking. We also actually love the "small town" feel our town has where people actually know each other and say hello and stop to chat.
My older daughter began college this past week and while looking at potential colleges, my biggest fear was that she would want to head back out west, but after building such great friendships and living in a community where people actually care about one another, she decided to attend a college 30 minutes away from home.
I hope this helps with your decision. I know nothing is guaranteed but I feel if you look at it as an adventure, and think very positive, things will naturally work out. As my friend once said, "you can either make the best of the situation or not, the choice is up to you".
Thanks for all your advice. I appreciate it more than you can ever know. It's so nice to have someone to talk to that has teens and can give me some insight.
Sue -
Thanks for bringing up EAP. I know my dh's company offers it. I will look into that right away!!
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