What path should DD take?
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| Tue, 06-13-2006 - 9:47am |
I've posted my frustrations here before and have taken most of the advice offered. It's nice to know there is a place to go for information and advice. I wish I had friends/relatives with kids my DD's age.....
Anyway, my 16yo DD is approaching her senior year. She has been on the college prep path throughout high school. She has done average work - a very smart girl who just doesn't give a darn. Case in point, I started sending her to a tutor for Algebra 2 ($300/month). Got a call from the teacher last week to tell me that DD is in danger of failing. Stupified I asked why. According to the teacher, DD wasn't doing her work. On further invesitgation, she HAD been doing it, WITH the tutor, but NOT HANDING IT IN!! Again, she doesn't give a crap.
So, my question today is: What path should she take as she enters her senior year?
She "wants" to go to college. She has no interests - academic or otherwise. I WANT her to go to college and I want her to experience the whole thing (dorm life, etc.) I NEED her to be out of my house (sorry, I know this is harsh and selfish). Working and living at home is out of the question. Community college and living at home is out of the question. Military is out of the question. At the moment we are investigating less selective colleges out of state with low tuition.
Any thoughts? Any advice from those that have been through a similar situation?
TIA!


I can understand your frustration and that you want your DD to go into the world and experience life- However: if she is not doing well in HS even though she is capable- what makes you think she will do the work in college? - I ask this as a voice of experience - believe me! I have a DD who was good student- she did OK in HS - and if she really applied herself- could have done better. She went to college- a local State college and stayed on campus - and liked the "social" college life- but wasn't really keen on the academic side! after 1 1/2yrs she realized it was as waste of time/money to continue and she left. She is doing great- lives on her own- has a good boyfreind and job- but she is re-paying her college loan- bottom line: she just never put in the effort into the work- therefore she did not succeed.
My DS is slightly different- he is a very good student, attended a very good private college- but the work was very hard and he found himself in over his head- now he is back home and will be applying for a transfer to the local State College- I know he will succeed - but my point is - esp. w/ my DD: some kids simply are not ready for nor "made" for college! You can't have her apply - enter- and get all the financial aid stuff etc and have her flunk out in a year! In some cases- I think kids should wait a bit or go a local Community College to see if they can handle the work. In College- the professors don't really care if you hand in the work or not- if you don't it's YOUR problem not theirs- if she is not handing in work in HS- I don't see her having a sudden change and throwing herself into college work!
I'm sorry- but I think working & living at home may be best option here- unless she can find someone to roommate with- when my DD decided to leave school she and 2other freinds rented an apt. - they were all working PT jobs and worked out the finances- etc- in her case she was lucky that she hooked up with friends that it worked out well. Eventually she & her BF got an apt together- where she is now. Not all kids are that lucky - but simply expecting her to go off to college & dorm and she is "gone" is not realistic. IMO
No BTDT experience, just some thoughts ...
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While I do understand how frustrated you must feel, it doesn't sound like your DD 'wants' to go to college the same way you 'want' her to.
Personally, I think it would be an enormous waste of $$ to send your DD away to college, pay her tuition, books, housing, living expenses, etc. knowing full-well she is inclined to fail all the way around. It's an expensive way for you to fulfill your 'need' for her to leave the nest -- which I completely understand, really. Even if she is earning part of her way or paying part of the costs, it would be extremely difficult for me to watch my child spend her money like that, knowing she wasn't committed and was essentially just throwing it away. She'd come home broke in a semester anyway.
Why is community college 'out of the question'? It still costs money, but not nearly as much as sending her out of state. Couldn't she get her GE requirements met there, and find an apartment to share with some other college students? You say she has no interests? What about assessing her skills and what she is actually good at and finding an appropriate trade school?
IMHO this sounds like a girl who needs to work for a while - a little bit of a reality check. If she "doesn't give a darn", I certainly wouldn't waste time or money on college - local, out-of-state, or whatever. And, I think it's OK to give her a time frame to move out - sharing an apt with friends or whatever. When my bro graduated from HS (20+ years ago), he "didn't care" about anything. A few months on a construction crew, and a few more doing insulation work, inspired him (both to go back to school, and also to find his passion - he 's now a realtor).
Your DD might also benefit from some career/life counseling. What does she want to "be" when she grows up, what does she love to do, where does she see herself in 5-10-15 years?
Sue
>>>I NEED her to be out of my house (sorry, I know this is harsh and selfish). Working and living at home is out of the question. Community college and living at home is out of the question. Military is out of the question. At the moment we are investigating less selective colleges out of state with low tuition.>>>
Wanting her out of the house after HS is not harsh or selfish. However, you've listed almost every alternative to a 4-year college as being out of the question. So, really, what's the question? You've left no alternatives available. You're basically saying that the ONLY answer is a 4-year live away from home college or move out into an apartment and support herself after graduation, which is highly unlikely.
But, what if she doesn't REALLY want to go to a 4-yr school? And if she has thrown up her hands and decided not to do her work, where WILL she end up anyway? If she TRULY wanted to attend a 4-year school, she'd do her work and hand it in and get the credit for it. Based on what you've posted, she doesn't really seem interested OR she doesn't realize that it's time to start planning. Have you and she lined up any schools to visit this summer? If so, that may provide an incentive for a newfound interest in her future. Based on her grades, she may have to limit her choice in schools, however, there are many excellent state universities who will take kids with C or better GPA's. She can still live on campus, it won't cost a fortune and she won't need to have stellar grades to get in. *Not that I would highlight that part per se*
My 16dd is also entering her senior year in the Fall. She just passes or fails at least one class almost every quarter and getting her to be more responsible academically has been a battle since forever. She always said she didn't want to go to college, but recently she's been checking out art schools. I already told her I will not pay for her to attend a 4-yr school. I will pay for a tech school or community college for two years. IF she succeeds, then I will help her get into a 4-yr school. I'm not going to throw my money away on a student who isn't 100% engaged in her future. I will help her along, point her in the right direction, but I won't support her floundering around while she figures out what she wants to do with her life. But that is me. My older 18dd has been very focused on her future and is planning to attend a great college towards her Bachelors this Fall.
While I would LOVE for my 16dd to move out after graduation (lets just say she hasn't been the easiest kid to raise), I am okay with her living at home while attending community college or working full time. Just so long as she respects our house rules and saves money for some kind of future. I'd rather have her living with us for a couple more years while she gets her act together than struggle by with no hope of ever going to school later. Her latest plan is to go live with her father after graduation and attend a school where he lives. Hahaha, is all I have to say - he is the most UNsupportive person in her life and deep down she knows it so I don't know exactly how much water that plans holds.
I think, I hope, that your dd (and mine) mature a little over the summer and come up with more conrete plans to think of their future and make the appropriate changes to meet those goals. In the meantime, I wouldn't be handing out any ultimatums and I certainly would not force her to do the 4-yr college plan if she isn't up to it. Can you just lay it down to her that unless she does the work, her options will be limited and since you want her out following her HS graduating year, she must come up with a solid plan?
Best of luck.
Hmm...Ive had 2 of these
Although the oldest, to his credit, had a decent gradepoint in HS and great ACTs. Actually got into a top state college. No ambition or eyes to the future.
Midterms came home first college semester-Fs-we decided to have him withdraw so his record was clean for the future. We recieved 40% tuition reimbursement and a few pennies(or so it seemed)for the books.
He overreached IMO as he took easy classes and cruised through HS developing no study skills then chose an engineering curriculum at a top school for college. But..bottom line is he COULD have done it even then IF HE CARED-he didnt
We gently moved him out on his own and he now lives with a GF, attending community college part time and working 30 hours a week. He is happy(he wasnt in HS or at the university or the semester he just worked with no classes)
We pay for the classes directly to the community college and he receives As and Bs; he pays for the books. He seems to be getting a better idea of what he wants to do but not sure; he especially likes online classes.
Number two-blew off HS the last two years. More interested in college than #1 but because it was what friends were doing. No clue what he wants to do. Rejected by desired top school and chose another state school based on the fact that they had limited dorms and he thought he and buddy would get an apartment(ahhh..the teenage mind)
He starts in the fall and we shall see. DH insists we 'owe' him a semester because we gave the oldest one that. I guess I sort of see that and, bluntly, this is a kid who becomes like the people he hangs with. If he gets with a motivated group, he will be motivated. If he hangs with unmotivated, I imagine we'll be pulling him at midterm as well
We talked about community college and paying for him to room with friends in an apartment. He almost chose that option and I wonder if that would work for your dd-she would be out fo your hair but it would still be less expensive than most 4 year colleges with dorm
In any case, set a limit as to what you will accept and pay for. I know many parents paying for 6 years to obtain a 4 year because kid goofed off for 2 years. We want to allow for mistakes but not be taken advantage of and that's a tough call sometimes. Some people are shocked that we pulled the oldest mid semester; they feel we didnt give him enough time; others are shocked we are paying for community college classes now that he is 21 and think we are too good to him
You have to find your comfort zone
I agree with the others. You've closed off all other options, and it's abudantly clear that YOU are the one that wants her to go away to college. Unfortunately, she's got to live her own life, make her own mistakes. You've done what you can. As for getting her out of the house, I do know several kids who have gone "away" to community college. A group of boys who were high school friends all went down to the Santa Barbara area to community college and roomed together. I knew one of the boy's parents well, and they were paying for college and his part of the rent, as long as he kept up his GPA. That seems alot more reasonable and cheaper for you financially. It just doesn't make sense to do it the other way, unless she gets her act together and soon. I like the suggestion of starting to look at universities, and their requirements. Maybe this will wake her up. I agree, too, with looking at progress reports and deciding from there if you should continue to pay. Sometimes kids just have to learn the hard way...I have two like this myself, one an incoming junior and an incoming freshman. We have already decided their "path" will be the community college path, hopefully transferring to UC after two years. I honestly don't see either of them getting through college at all, unless something changes. They will probably take the "rude awakening" path I would bet...
I think everyone here has given very sensible advice. Your DD sounds a lot like my 16 y.o. SD, who is finishing up 10th grade. She did really poorly in 9th grade and not because she isn't smart. She is very unmotivated. This year I think she did ok although my DH doesn't show me her report card because I think he is embarrassed. (My DD, who is in 11th grads is in National Honor Society and is definitely interested in going to college, wants to be a nurse, etc.)
SD also has no interest in anything except being on the computer and talking to her friends on the phone. I am pushing her to get a part-time job this summer, for many reasons. First, since we made my DD get a job and she has to pay for car ins. and gas, we can't very well have SD not have to contribute just cause she is too lazy to get a job. Second, I think that working and accomplishing something by herself will improve her self esteem which may carry over to doing better in school. My DH has told her she has to join some activity next year, but it will be interesting to see if he carries through on this.
The funny part about this is that my DH just can't wait til the kids grow up & leave the house. Every time he reads a story about kids graduating from college and coming back to live w/ their parents, he gets nervous. (We live in MA and the cost of living is very high here.) However, I can see that if anyone is never going to leave home, it will be his DD, not my kids. I found out when I went to a college info meeting that in order to get into a state college, his DD might not have the right math courses, since she got dropped down to an easier level this year after flunking math last year. They have to have 3 yrs. of college prep math even to get into a state college. If she doesn't do well enough this year, they won't let her take college prep math next year. She has recently mentioned that she wants to be a teacher, which is obviously a 4 yr. degree, but I can't see her being admitted even to a state school.
When I went to this meeting, there was a rep from the community college system there, who mentioned that if a person successfully completed their assoc. degree, they will be automatically admitted to the 4-yr. state college system. Realistically, I can see my SD only being able to go to a commm. college.
Ok, I have gone on long enough about me, what about your DD? If she really doesn't know what she wants to do and isn't motivated, why waste the money on college? If she can't even bother to hand in her homework, unless she matures greatly, she's not even ready for college. Is there a school counsellor the 2 of you can talk to to try to get some planning for the future? Just because you want to get her out of the house doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to push her into a situation she can't handle. You might just have to bite the bullet for a couple more years until she's ready to be on her own unless you want to throw money away.