What should I do???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2007
What should I do???
7
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 10:28am
Help, I need some advice. Unfortunately my 16 year old son has taken to being very dishonest of late so I have had to resort to some snooping.( I know, I hate it) He had his cell phone taken away for gross misuse, so I looked through it and found several pictures of a girl he knows, 15 years old, completely nude and in very suggestive posses, sent from another boy. Sooooo, should I let him know I looked through his phone, find out who this girl is and anonymously let her parents know that their child is ruining her life(if these boys are sending it between each other it won't be long before it hits the Internet) and have my son hate me or do nothing. I am by no means a prude and I understand how teenaged boys are, but if it was my little girl I would want to know but my husband said I should leave it alone. Please help!!!!
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 11:09am
*I* would comfiscate the phone, find out who the girl is and probably let her parent(s) know.I'd have a very long chat with my son about the inappropriateness of sending X-rated pics via cell or internet, etc. And *I* would probably return the phone for one without a camera. But that's *ME*.
Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 11:25am
This one is a tough one for me. I would want to know if it were my child too and I would probably call the parents. Then I would probably call the parents of the boy that sent the pics to let them know he sent them. I would then delete the pics from the phone, but I'm not sure I would get a different phone for ds. But I would keep track of the pictures he took.
I don't know that I would want to be the bearer of this kind of news, but the parents do need to know. Be prepared that they might not think you have the right girl, you may have to show them the pictures. Also have a long talk with DS about sending, receiving pictures like this and the ramifications of it, including what could happen if it were done on the internet too.
Good luck,
Kristie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 11:55am

I honestly don't know what I'd do about the girls' parents...simply because I've sort of been in this situation.

I went through my son's phone one day and found pictures of one of his MALE friends - nude. Fortunately (or unfortunately, take your pick), the pictures did NOT include his face.

I did NOT tell the parents - why? Three reasons:

1. Since the pictures did not reveal the face, I did not want to start all sorts of drama culminating with "that's not my kid."

2. Since the pictures were saved on the phone, and no longer part of the message in which they came, there was no proof as to who had sent them - same thing - if I went to the kid that supposedly sent them and spoke to their parents, they'd deny it - and I'd have no proof.

3. These parents had no idea their son was gay (they have since found out and are NOT happy), so I would have been hitting them with a "double whammy." "Your son is sending pictures of his privates to his friends - his MALE friends."

I told my son I would go through his pictures daily for a while - and I have. In your case, however, having a face with the picture would definitely put you in a position of being able to go to the parents - please also stress to your son (and his friends - even the girl who posed for the picture) that naked photos of ANYONE under 18 (unless it's a 6 month bearskin rug shot) that are sent through electronic means - be they internet or camera phones - are illegal and fall under child pornography laws...and your son, his friends, the girl, and her PARENTS can be charged.

Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 12:25pm

I'm confused-do you know the girl or not? You said you know she is 15 but then you say you would need to know who she is in order to contact her parents

I would simply not have the balls to knock on a strangers door and hand them this information.

I would consider it if I knew the family but mamarose's post would play heavily into that decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 1:34pm

OK, here's what I would do. I would call the parents of the boy who sent the pictures and the parents of the girl. I would tell them that I had been having some trust issues with my own son and in looking through his phone, found some inappropriate images, and that I had good reason to believe that the boy and the girl were involved as well. I would NOT disclose specifics about the pictures, I would just say they were inappropriate images, and that you're giving these parents a head's up, so they can choose to monitor their kids' activites more closely.

I'd take the phone away from my son and have him sign a contract with me about proper usage of the phone in the future (that you get to check his messages whenever). Privacy is earned at this age. Yes, there is a line of respect, but when that trust is blown, then you're back to square 1. He can earn your trust and his privacy back over time with continued proof that he has earned it.

I'd also really get into some dicsussions about pornography and degredation of women with him, so he can really understand how this girl (a child) was being violated by these pictures and how even if she chose to have them taken and distributed, at that age, she cannot legally make those decisions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:38pm
Bless your heart. It is so tough. I raised twin girls who are now 20 and who never gave me trouble. I am now raising a 15 yr old stepdaughter who is having lots of problems. You didn't mention a significant other....are they supporting you? My stepdaughter sent pictures like you describe to boys on the internet. It is the pre-curser to other behavior, it is just a matter of how long it will take to lead to other behaviour. My step daughter at 15 is sexually active and at real risk for internet predators and pregnancy. I am trying to find a mom or step mom who is frustrated with a partner who won't step up to the plate and be a strong parent and protect there child from themselves...is that you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 6:58pm

As usual, I have to point to heartsandroses' response and just say:


What she said!