What is "Tough Love"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
What is "Tough Love"
16
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 7:49am

Will someone help me with the tough love rules!

I am a successful mother of two teenagers. My sister is a failure with two of her three.

She married (because she was pregnant at 18) and stayed in a very unhappy marriage for more than 20 years. They have three children. One who will be 21 in May, another will be 20 in July, the last is 16.

My sister divorced a year ago, it was ugly to say the least and she left the state and moved three time-zones away.

Both of her girls have drug, alcohol problems and were sexually active before they were 15. Every time I try to "help" I get slammed and I am told that I "just don't understand" and I really don't. All I know is her kids are offering my kids drugs, and they try to get them "drunk" and tell them how great sex is. My kids really don't have much to do with them. And have told me what the conversation is.

The 16 year old - is failing all of her classes at school - she used to be an AB student, she smokes and drinks and is having sex. Her "custodial" father was granted because my sister was just tired of being a mom and her honey wanted to have her all to herself.

Neither parent wants to be a parent. The last straw was the offering my kids drugs. I wanted to let my sister know (as un-confrontational as I could be) what her 16 yr old daughter was up to. She told me that she did not want to hear about it - take it up with the custodial parent!

She told me she was practicing "tough love" - so what is tough love?

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 9:18am

You can go to the troubled teens board and ask there - you'd have a much better picture of what tough love entails. It uses various means to manipulate the teen to use better judgement and see how thier behaviors affect others. When used with the assistance of a good adolescent counselor, it can be very effective, but I think that some parents misunderstand it's methodology and end up with a lot more troubles than they started with. There are also tough love 'camps' that can be helpful as well...however, a parent must check them out thoroughly as some use abusive methods in controlling the teen. Anyway, go ask this question at the troubled teens board and you will get a wealth of responses I'm sure. Best of luck. It certainly sounds like your sister and her family need some strong interventions.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-pstroubled?redirCnt=1

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 1:12pm

Here is a link to the tough love organization:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 1:29pm
Sounds more like abandonment to me than tough love, especially in the case of the 16 y/o. At least that is what I call it when someone says they don't want to be a mom anymore and choose the significant other over their children. But I'll admit that this is a hot button for me - the same thing happened to our D(foster)S, not once, but twice. And we were left to pick up the pieces.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 3:03pm

I am truly not sure.

This is what I do know:

My sister moved to AZ from MI and left her kids behind because she said they were mean to her. I think it had more to do with her honey.

He has three kids none of which speak to him.

She feels like I am continually putting her down. When in reality she is the one that is always comparing the two families. I divorced when my kids were very young (2 and 3) - she and her husband told me that I was a crappy parent for leaving my physically and mentally abusive husband. I had such a case that his parental rights were legally revoked.

Her kids have always been hard to control. She would clean their rooms because it was easier for her to do it than to fight with them to do it themselves.

She would do their homework for the same reasons.

She prided herself on being the perfect mom.... while the walls were falling down around her financially as she spent them into a huge hole to make sure they had everything they wanted. I mean a HUGE financial hole (about 60K from what I know). So, husband is not the greatest, he is a macho man and because my sister was a stay at home mom, well you can guess the results when he figured out the financial mess they were in.

Both parents played the kids against each other, and because dad controlled the $$ he was able to buy them. My sister was hurt.... I understand that, but we are talking about kids here and they were used as pawns. So, I am sure the kids said and did some very hurtful things. She decides to just walk away and let them "pay" for what they did. Now, she has been gone almost a year. The girls are out of control as dad tries to find a new girl friend and puts most of his energy in his personal love life, as does my sister. Left alone are the girls to care for themselves. They turned to their "friends" who give them drugs etc.

My brother died this past summer at 38 of self-inflected liver failure. He drank himself to death (along with prescription pain meds) - it was slow to watch. And yes he was a father of a 12 year old boy. So sad.

My family has always taken the easy route - never wanting to confront these habits. I on the other had decided to stop the drama with my kids and I have worked hard to change my behavior to not allow the abuse I had endured during childhood to continue thru my kids.

My sister has always taken the easy way out - she would rather sweep it under the carpet and pretend that life is perfect - when things were so far out of control - she left - she decided that she could not hide it anymore just decided that it was all someone elses fault.

At this point she has two daughters addicted to drugs. And won't come back to help make it better.

Yet, she just keeps saying that she is using "tough love" - I can't understand.

Please help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 3:08pm

I too chose to take my ex's kids in (she was bi-polar and he was just hurt) and their parents did not want them, and abandoned them. His mom as "hurt" when her son toasted me at his wedding and said "thanks" I could not have made it without you. You taught me what it means to love. His bio-mom was crushed and has not spoken to me since. I guess I would be hurt to, but she did it too herself. I hope the glass gets raised to you!

I also believe what my sister is doing is abandonment, but how did I convience her of that? That is my real question, she does not want to hear it from me and my family is scared of her.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 3:41pm


This isn't tough love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 3:44pm

I read an article on tough love and posted a link to it on the Troubled Teens board earlier this month.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 3:47pm

I agree that it seems like your DS abandoned her kids when their problems became too much for her to handle, but if she doesn't want to listen to you, there's probably not much you can do about it. First of all, she's not the custodial parent and the older 2 are adults. If you feel that the 16 yr old is using drugs, you would have the choice of calling the child protective services in the state where they live so at least they will investigate and she will get some help. I also think that you are right to keep your kids away from her.

My DH's 16 yo nephew (who always acted fine when he was with us because he knew my DH wouldn't stand for any misbehaving) was giving his parents some trouble, using drugs, etc. He finally got removed from the home and sent to live in either a detention facility or foster home. We have not seen him now in so long that we don't even know where he is. When DH calls his sister, she just says he's not home. DH feels like his DS doesn't care because the boy was too much trouble (she doesn't have any other kids). It's too bad because basically he is a good kid, he just needed some guidance. Also my DSD is the same age and the 2 of them grew up together, so now these cousins have no contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 4:10pm

Okay, I am new to this stuff what does DS, DH DSD etc. mean? It there a dictionary for these terms?

Thanks, for all of the opinions, I wish I could just put a band-aid on the problem, but so far, that has not worked. I come from a really screwed up family and was lucky enough to somehow escape. I must have a guardian angle that kicks me in the butt everyday. So far it seems like I can't do anything to change my nieces situation, execept put her in the state's system and in our state it is not much better than where she is now.

I can't bring her into my house as my husband has lots of prescription pain medicine. I feel like it would be putting my kids at risk and I have fought tooth and nail to protect them from the crap I was raised in.

I have told my mom, and she said and I quote "I spoke with "her" today and she did not sound like a kid on drugs..." I can't understand why nobody is worried. Why does the school not get stiff on her attendance? She is failing ALL of her classes! She offered to "hook" my kid up with "anything" she wanted.

Everyone is telling me to give it up. I just can't let this kid go. Please give me some things to try - anything.....

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 4:20pm

Based on what I see other posters have written, your choices are your home and/or Child Protective Services. Unfortunately, if you're not willing/able to do either of those things, you really have no other options.

What about suing for custody? Based on what you've written, you shouldn't have a problem obtaining it. This would give you some rights as far as your niece is concerned; i.e., putting her in rehab, forcing her to go to school, etc. You could then get a locking cabinet for your DH's RX medication and possibly help the child.

Otherwise, I don't see that you have much choice. As for the school not "getting on her" about her attendance, unfortunately, there's nothing they can do but fail her. They can charge the parents if she's truant - they can charge HER - but they can't MAKE her go to school.

You might want to look into the adolescent residential facilities in your state - my ex is a social worker who directs ARF's, and some are very good - spending a year or two there could be all the difference your niece needs. Again, this will require that you obtain custody.

Good luck!!!

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