What is "Tough Love"
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| Wed, 02-28-2007 - 7:49am |
Will someone help me with the tough love rules!
I am a successful mother of two teenagers. My sister is a failure with two of her three.
She married (because she was pregnant at 18) and stayed in a very unhappy marriage for more than 20 years. They have three children. One who will be 21 in May, another will be 20 in July, the last is 16.
My sister divorced a year ago, it was ugly to say the least and she left the state and moved three time-zones away.
Both of her girls have drug, alcohol problems and were sexually active before they were 15. Every time I try to "help" I get slammed and I am told that I "just don't understand" and I really don't. All I know is her kids are offering my kids drugs, and they try to get them "drunk" and tell them how great sex is. My kids really don't have much to do with them. And have told me what the conversation is.
The 16 year old - is failing all of her classes at school - she used to be an AB student, she smokes and drinks and is having sex. Her "custodial" father was granted because my sister was just tired of being a mom and her honey wanted to have her all to herself.
Neither parent wants to be a parent. The last straw was the offering my kids drugs. I wanted to let my sister know (as un-confrontational as I could be) what her 16 yr old daughter was up to. She told me that she did not want to hear about it - take it up with the custodial parent!
She told me she was practicing "tough love" - so what is tough love?

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ARF-Adolescent Residential Facility. Sometimes called a "group home," they are facilities designed for adolescents who can't live at home - either their parents can't handle them, or they are referred by Child Protective Services, or the courts will refer them.
The good ones are designed like "homes." Children go to school (sometimes there's even a school on-site), and when they get home, they have homework, chores, group therapy, etc. They eat dinner together like a family, and they have to obey the rules - just like in a family.
The motivation for most kids to obey is simply a desire NOT to go to "juvi." These places use reward and consequence systems to moitivate and encourage good behavior.
Many of them, however, will NOT take a child with a drug problem - so it's important to find out if your niece is a recreational drug user (in such cases, the structure and supervision of an ARF will eliminate that) or has a serious problem - in which case, most adolescents will be required to go through rehab BEFORE being placed.
Good luck.
Thanks for the clarification. What constitutes a rec user? I am sorry to be stupid about this stuff, but it is all new to me. Is it the number of days using? Or is it the type of drugs used? Or is it a combo of both? How do you find that out? Is that something you can have the pee in a cup and find out? Or cut a lock of hair?
How do you get that information from a kid that is just pissed off at the world. In all honesty - I really think that she wants to be a good kid. She just wants her parents to love her - and to have a home life.
I'll do a google search and see what I can find.
Thanks to EVERYONE!
By the definitions I've seen, a recreational user is someone who gets high on Friday and/or Saturday nights, but leaves the stuff alone most of the rest of the time. Someone with a serious problem is a daily user. Our DS S was beyond a serious user before he came to our home - a little weed with breakfast, some pills with lunch, more weed after supper, on a daily basis. Seriously, there are weeks at a stretch that he can't remember in his junior year of hs. He's honest about that NOW, but at the time, he'd tell anyone that asked that he didn't use, or used only occasionally. His drugs of choice were pot and OxyContin, but occasionally used whatever he could get his hands on. Most kids who are serious users will claim to be recreational users, and most recreational users will claim they don't use at all. We were lucky in that DS J was pretty open with us about how serious S's drug problem had become before he came to us. We locked up everything that could even come close to giving him a buzz around the house, but for a little bit he still was using after he came here... he was probably here for 6 months or so before he was totally clean and sober.
Taking in a troubled teen is a LOT of work, trust me. And it puts your own kids at risk. We were very lucky in that S really, really wanted to live here, really, really wanted to stay out of foster care, and he'd never been disrespectful to us in all the years that we'd known him (since he was 6). He'd already spent time in residential treatment as well as juvenile detention by the time we got him, and he knew full well the next stop for him was likely going to be prison if he didn't change his ways. He came from such a dysfunctional mess of a bio family, getting away from them and having some consistent rewards and expectations did a world of good for him. Because like your niece, he really WANTED to be a good kid, be loved and accepted.
When he got married a little over a year ago, our family was very much the family of the groom - and his bio family were basically just guests, with no greater standing than the people that he worked with. That really ticked them off, but I figured they made their bed where he's concerned 10 years ago, and I wasn't going to encourage him or DIL to handle anything any differently.
Rose
Pretty much everything bunnierose said is right...a rec user is someone who gets high once in a while, but for the most part, is able to function the rest of the time without any drugs or alcohol at all. Think "social drinker"...someone who has a drink or two with dinner once in a while, but generally doesn't drink every day.
This is different from a "functioning addict," which is someone who uses every day but manages to hide it by continuing to function at a seemingly normal rate with no visible issues. This is the person that gets high before school but still manages to make it through the school day. Eventually, this will catch up to them.
Someone with an actual "problem" is going to be using every day - and losing functioning capacity in their normal life. Many of my friends (and most people in my age range - mid 40's) were recreational users in high school - a joint on the weekend once in a while, a six-pack among friends (keeping in mind that the legal drinking age at that time was 18). They still went to school every day, didn't partake during the school or work day, and by the time we were all at the end of the "college road," had grown out of it and moved on to live productive lives. There were those, however (and I can recall them) who moved on to a life of lethargy and noncompliance because their usage was far beyond recreational and continued throughout their adult years.
Keep in mind that, believe it or not, as widespread as the usage is, marijuana is NOT the biggest problem. Because of the expense, the bulk (unlike some illegals--cocaine for instance--pot is much more voluminous and therefore, harder to conceal), the difficulty in procuring paraphenalia, and the inability to practice discretion (the smell, and the burning, make usage obvious - even long after they've finished), pot usage is generally more recreational than most other drugs. In addition, marijuana and THC (the active drug in marijuana) is NOT physically addictive, so there's no withdrawal...the need to partake more to get rid of the withdrawal symptoms (something evident in pharmaceuticals, cocaine, and even alcohol and nicotine) does not exist. So a teenager CAN smoke a joint on Saturday and not smoke again for months on end. God help me, this is not BTDT, just listening to an ex who has been dealing with problem teens for 20 years, listening to my own teenagers talk about their friends, and dating someone who worked for Customs and the Army's Border Patrol. Luckily, due to DS's desire to take American Idol by storm, he abhors nicotine, marijuana, and anything else that affects the lungs and, therefore, the voice.
The expense of other illegal substances (cocaine, heroin, etc.) also make it a rarity for teenagers. A teen making $8 an hour at a 20 hour a week part time job who has to pay for dates, gas for his car, movies, prom, etc., hardly has enough money left over to buy an ounce of marijuana - which I've been told, in these parts, goes for $300. If they CAN buy any, it's a minute amount - hardly enough to cause any severe drug usage.
What then, is the problem? Bunnie said it best - OXY...as well as decongestants with pseudoephedrine (which has been used to make crystal meth)...barbiturates (Valium, Xanax), Rx painkillers (Percocet, Vicodent, etc.)...basically, anything Mom or Dad can procure with a prescription plan - and which they know to use responsibly. A parent gets a tooth out - is prescribed Vicodent - takes 3-4 for a couple days, and forgets the bottle in the medicine cabinet. Next thing you know, your DS or DD are selling those pills for a buck each in school...easy to hide, easy to procure, and if tested outside the realm of parental knowledge, it can easily be explained. Cough medicine, cold medicine, even RX ADHD medications are FAR more a problem with teens than marijuana.
The other big problem is alcohol. The 21 year old who procures the bottle of Jack for the 17 year old is a common occurrence...the kid's desire to hide the bottle from mom motivates quick consumption, creating a dependency that may take years to recover from.
This is not to say that illegals are not a serious problem - they are. But unfortunately, the bigger problem is the addictive substances our kids can get from our - or their friends' - medicine cabinets. Kids can become addicted to Oxy (which is a derivative of heroin) before we even know they've taken it. And being kids, with little bodily exposure to drugs, the effects will be enough to satisfy their hunger to feel "high."
Recreational users use cause it's there. We have a glass of wine with dinner because we're out with friends and want to have a glass of wine. We are comfortable enough with who we are that we're not doing it to feel "high." Your niece, on the other hand, sounds like she is sorely lacking in love, and the feelings of euphoria she gets from whatever she may be using may be a substitute for that love. It's possible that, living in your home with the love and structure you provide your own children surrounding her, she won't need drugs. If you decide to take in your niece, Bunnie is right - it will be a long road for you, and it will put your own children at risk (as you have indicated they already are). God be with you if you choose this path, and I hope she wants enough to be a "good kid" that the structure and love of your home will help her to be that way.
Rose
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