What, where, when?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
What, where, when?
8
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 11:54am

Hi Moms!


I am in a quandary and need some advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 12:04pm
I know how you feel.
Pam
Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 12:06pm

Boy have I been there and done that! lol

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 12:09pm

Not yet for ds15, but when I was a teen back in the day, I was limited to seeing him 3x/week (could also call 3x/week).

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 12:09pm

LOL WOW I so could have written this post!!


My dd is 15 and has been dating a guy for nearly a year and a half and like your situation - he is a great guy, he's over at our house constantly and he goes to all of our family functions.




Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 12:12pm

First of all, according to my dds' and all their gf's, NO ONE dates like that anymore. If they have a potential love interest and it blossoms then they are going steady. The girls who DO date are commonly known as slutty - even if they aren't sleeping around. Apparently, it's considered slutty to even be big flirt. I don't get it, but that is what they tell me.


I think you're right to exclude bf from certain events that are meant only for family. He certainly does not need to go out to dinner with you everytime you do. And if you prefer to have family only parties or celebrations you have every right to tell dd that bf can come over the following evening or after the event. I see nothing wrong with you helping her to understand that even if he does "one day become family" he isn't yet and you would prefer to reserve certain events for family only. And if she doesn't understand, tough noogies.


Additionally, you have every right to designate time when no one, friend or bf/gf, is allowed over your home. Say for instance, you want Mon/Wed/Thurs to be off limits -I think that's okay! More than okay! I hate when I have a houseful of kids all the time (except sometimes) and can't relax in the evenings. Sometimes I just want to take a bath, get in my jammies and chill on the couch but I can't because I have 8 teenagers in my living room!


When my 20dd was seeing her first love (for 2 years) at the beginning he was over all the time and after a while I would have to remind him/her that he had to leave in 20 min, 15 min, 10 min, 5 min, NOW. It got old fast. So, finally dd and I had a conversation. His being with her all the time was beginning to stress her out and it was definitely making me crazy, so I explained to her that it's important to have her own time and family time and friend time as well as bf time. She decided that on T/TH they would not spend time with one another. It was a great situation for everyone.


When you speak with her about this, you need to create a nice setting so that you can express to her that it's not because you dislike the bf, but that you feel you and she are

Avatar for imomtojd
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 3:31pm

We try to keep family events separate from DS's GF time because we do not want either teen to feel like they were part of each other's family. They are so young and it took a lot of hard work to teach DS about perspective - putting priorities over spending time with/talking to/iming/texting (you get the message) GF. So, I don't see a problem with spending time with each other over the holidays, but not directly on Christmas Day. IMO, that is meant for family.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 4:14pm

Uggh.. BTDT when DS was 16.


I do include him now and then....but sometimes I would would rather not.

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 9:06pm

You know I have totally lost track of who the original poster was on this one, so I am responding to ALL.


We are just starting to deal with this. Kelsie hasn't had a bf for a couple years now and now she has this boy that we aren't crazy about. She has seen him a lot this past week and we are going to have to set down some rules. I don't think they need to be seeing each other as much as they want to. The holidays this year will not include him.


Dave has been complaining already that he feels we have lost our privacy and I just realized today that he has never had to deal with boyfriends being around the house. He is away for the business a lot and in the past the bf's have really only been here on the weekends when he is gone. Now we have this one that comes over in the evenings and Dave is having a tough time with having him around. He asked me the other day what we will tell her if she wants bf to come to our family get together. I told him that we will tell her no. None of her cousins have brought bf/gf until they have been going out together for quite a while and she and bf have only been dating about a 6 weeks and a month of that she was grounded and didn't see him at all.


I think you have a perfect right to say you want just family and if she gives you that line about he will be family some day, you can tell her fine when he is family he will be included.

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