What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
What would you do?
25
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 3:18am
My daughter is 19 she goes to school I completely support her financially, she doesn't work I pay her car payment, insurance, cell phone, clothes, nails every 3 weeks, hair, you get the idea. She's always been a bit disrespectful to me but stupid me I kept giving, I don't know why? Well she's been hanging around a newish group of friends. The crazy thing is these kids all come from families that are well to do and they have turned out to be nothing but a bunch of alcoholic drunks so to speak. I know my daughters an adult and responsible for herself but she has become quite a drinker. She's required now to answer her phone every time I call her while she's out, if she doesn't she's getting it taken away. Reason for this is so I can speak to her throughout the night and make sure she's not drinking, I can't trust her. Well last night was the 5th time in a few months I called and she was passed out cold. I've driven to parties pulled her out and took her home puking and passing out. Last night she was in a car with drunk girls, 2 passed out, one was mine, and a sober guy that drove them home. I screamed at these 18 & 19 year olds, I was so angry and upset!!! I asked them "do you know what alcohol poisoning is" what's wrong with you guys" I told them to stay away from my daughter and then I got her into the house. She had repeatedly told me she was done drinking, I can't trust her and I don't want anything to happen to her. This all started when she became involved with this group of kids, but yes I know she's an adult and she's ultimately responsible for herself but you understand what I'm trying to say? I took away her car which btw I've had to drive home from many different houses at 2-4 am because she was to drunk to drive it home. No car no going out anymore for her at this point. What would you do if you were in my situation? Thank you for any opinions! Please dont bash me, I've seen it happen here. I love my daughter and I'm terrified for her I just don't understand what she's thinking. Btw our home is alcohol free, I do not drink at all!

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 7:46am
To me, I'd say enough is enough and make sure she gets a job, goes to summer school (CC or whatever) and/or volunteers at least 30 hours/week (if in school, that'd include homework time). Start steering her to be an independent, responsible adult. Does she go to college during the year? What are her long term goals? If there aren't any, spend the summer helping define what they'll be and have her work toward that. If there's a way to get to a doctor (vs. just sending info from online sources) to talk about alcohol poisoning or just alcoholism in general, have her talk to one. Set goals with her, and stop providing everything and make rules as to what her job/volunteering will 'buy' her (cell phone payments, nails, car payments, etc. should be things she's working to cover at this age). Good luck - might have to start slow but be firm and persistent.

Sue
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 9:29am

The calendar may say she's an adult, but in what ways does she have any more responsibility for herself than she had at 14?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 11:59am

I agree that the 1st thing for her is that she should get a job.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 1:11pm
I hear you loud & clear a lot makes sense! Yes she does go to college and only drinks when she goes out with these kids at night, so i know she won't need any detoxing. I have grounded her before for a similar situation a couple months ago. She was home no car or phone for two weeks, it obviously had no impact because she's out partying again. I had a talk with her 2 nights ago she agreed she doesn't know when to stop when they're all partying, just to much fun and everyone is drunk and their parents aren't acting crazy like mine is what she said. That's the problem here no parent really cares but me it seems :( I didn't mention this in my original post but I actually called one of the girls moms. This girl has become very good friends with my daughter and it's a toxic friendship. Funny thing is one of my dearest friends has known this other girl and her family for over 15 years. My daughter and this girl show up at my home 6 am after a sleepless night of me calling and yelling and texting both of them to get home, I know they are drunk, won't let me talk to my daughter she has her phone, I can't even express in words how I felt. I call this mom she acts like she cares and I'm happy about that! Says she is grounding her and getting a grip on the situation and she knowns her daughter has a problem. I didn't blame her daughter I just told her what I've been living every weekend. She even told me she thought her daughter had been spending the night at my house every weekend and not going out, but she wasn't. Couple days later my friend who is the mutual friend tells me this mom called her and was basically whatever I'm not listening to that mom, that's her side of the story :O first of all I didn't give her a side, I gave her the truth as I have been living it! She's not up all night wondering where her daughter is but I am! her daughter is the one I told the other night "don't ever come around my daughter again"! I'm thinking a good rehab might be what's best for her? She doesn't do drugs but she is at high risk for alcohol poisoning, I almost rushed her to the ER the other night but she came around after starting to throw up, I can't take it anymore I won't stand back like these other parents and watch my child do this any longer. What is wrong with parents today why do they turn a blind eye.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 1:42pm
Gosh you are so right! She is technically an adult but certainly doesn't act like one!!! Please read my reply I posted it was actually meant for all or you! Thank you for your input and advise!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 1:48pm
Yes so true she needs a job and some responsibility!!! I've had numerous talks to her about DUI's and accidents that can kill both her and others! I'm embarrassed to say she does nothing around the house but complain. Everything I do is never enough. I say I do way to much and that's where the problem lies. I left a long response that was really intended for all who offered their advise and help... Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 3:34pm

I'm sorry you're going through this. You've gotten lots of good advice here and I can't think of anything to add. We also were probably guilty of giving our boys too much as they were growing up. I'd probably do some things differently if I could. I think cutting her off as far as her nail appointments, fun money, etc. is a good place to start to help motivate her to get a job. As far as how other parents parent their kids - it stinks sometimes but all we can do is do the best we can for our kid. It does sound like your dd isn't one that is going to be able to be a social drinker - it might not hurt to consider rehab or counseling for her if you can get her to go. At 19 it's going to be hard to force her to stay away from these kids. If you take away the car they can still come and get her. Hang in there and keep us posted.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 11:12pm

Is she at least doing her own laundry?

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 12:25am

If your dd drinks herself unconscious, repeatedly, she is an alcoholic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 9:06am

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