What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
What would you do?
21
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 8:59am

I need to preface this by saying I must be very tactful in what I say so as not to give too much info on the internet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 6:56pm

If you don't know the other boy, you don't have an opportunity to hear his side of it and I am sure he has one.

We just don't know what really did or did not go down except for the physical altercation.

That is the only thing that can be addressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 7:38pm

Wind, you are right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 9:02pm

The zero tolerance rules in our schools are ridiculous. I don't think you were around this board fall of 2006 when my DS was suspended from school for 5 days because he admitted to drinking. It didn't happen on school property, no breathalyzers were done, no parents were notified and the administrators waited 4 days before, one by one, interrogating the students about it, and then had the students call from the office to inform us parents. Those who lied, got off. The school had no authority in the matter. DS was wrong, but the school cannot start doling out punishment per the student handbook when it is not a school matter. What happened to DS AFTER the suspension is the worst of it all....but too many here have already heard that so I'll skip it.

Now, the story that is more relevant to the one you posted about. Last year I was tutoring a 2nd grader who was suspended for TWO weeks because he had struck a classmate. Why did he do it? When I asked him, he told me about how other kids were teasing him about his family. I don't know exactly what was said, but it was probably along the lines of what was said to the 14 yo you know who was bullied. This is a kid, small for his age, but with some spunk when around his classmates. During our tutoring sessions he worked sooooooo hard, paying very close attention and never goofing off, and he was making significant progress.

This 2nd grader is moderately-to-severely dyslexic, and ADHD. He cannot afford to miss any school, and TWO WEEKS they keep him out? (His teacher would threaten him by saying he'd be held back (cringe....) if he didn't finish his work on time.) I was fuming. No doubt he has self esteem issues due to his LD, in addition to any verbal abuse he might take.

Because another of our volunteers expressed the same concern about her 3rd grader missing so much school because of suspensions, I talked to the principal about it. Do you know what her reply was when I explained that my student had reported that another student was teasing him? "That doesn't happen in OUR school. WE teach our students to RESPECT one another." Yeah, right. This is an elementary school where 80-85% qualify for reduced/free lunch and most kids come from homes with parents who either are unable to, or unwilling to adequately care for their children.

We had 8 volunteers doing one-on-one tutoring in that school last year, and it was ideal cuz it was a Montessori and the flexible grouping/scheduling made it easy for us to pull students from class without their missing out on too much in the regular classroom. This year, the principal decided the volunteers weren't needed--the school has its Reading Recovery program. Of course since we moved, I'm no longer with the tutoring organization, and I hope my confronting the principal is not what made her decide to end it. But there's no way any RR program is going to help those students we were helping, especially since it's only for first graders, and we tutored 2nd, 3rd & 4th. I have no idea what this principal is trying to accomplish, but it surely is not in the best interest of the students.

There are plenty of other cases of 2nd and 3rd graders who were suspended for questionable behavior. Our schools need to have some other way of dealing with these young kids' wrongdoing. Rejecting them through suspensions is just pounding into their undeveloped brains the message that they do not belong, do not fit in, when many come from home backgrounds where they already get the message that they don't matter much. What's going to happen when they are teenagers? We are going to have one, messed-up society with all these 'rejects' that we created. Why our schools cannot see that is beyond me.

As you say, our schools should use, and teach our children, COMMON SENSE, not zero tolerance.

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 2:06am

I don't know maybe I have just been lucky enough to have better experiences with the schools here. I do know that the principal in the middle school is exceptional and an amazing woman and the assistant principal we had when my kids were there was wonderful too.


This principal does actually care and she and Greg (the assistant principal) actually did take care of many problems such as this when my kids were there. One of them involved my dd and a boy that was in the beginning stages of stalking her. They were great. Greg did tell me that if he said something offensive and she slapped him, that she would have to be suspended as it is considered a violent act and under NY state law any violent act must be dealt with by suspending the student. But it didn't come to that.


There was also an incident where 3 girls ran away after school. Kelsie came home

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2002
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 6:23am

So many issues here...first off, sorry that someone you care about is caught up in this..there's a lot of

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 8:07am

I

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-1998
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 8:46am

We've also had pretty good experiences with our schools and how they handle bullying, but it varies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 9:28am

It does sound like, at Chris's school, some common sense is used. Still, I would've been upset about his one-day suspension, for what? Yelling? Especially after all the bullying, there's no way that he deserved a suspension. Using the excuse that they have to show the other kids in art class that the school is 'doing something', is ridiculous. What kid bullied in that way would not have a list of people who endlessly torment him, if not warned about the allegations that may arise from having such a list. Aren't we told to write things down when they're bothering us, to get them out of our heads?

About your ms son whose head was held under water, and then he was strangled, perhaps some suspension was warranted. A better solution would be to require that the bully goes through a mental health evaluation, sensitivity training or an anger management class, and require community service. Do you really think he'll stop bullying after the 10-day suspension? Maybe your son won't be the target, but some other poor kid will be. And maybe it won't be in school, but on the street.

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 9:50am

Im glad your principal is aware and handled these things so well

The days after Virgina Tech were difficult here. The terminology used to describe the killer were representative of anyone who has or flirts with spectrum disorders, as Im sure you noticed.

DS3 went through some teasing in the weeks that followed. He seemed to handle it well but I had to keep close tabs and this incident was actually what provoked asking for a social skills class at his IEP(which was refused). I probably should have told the team about the teasing but.........it was difficult to think ANYONE could have that thought about my child for even a fleeting second.

I'm sorry you and DS had to go through that

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 9:56am


Hitting is NO WAY to solve a problem. It is counter productive. It solves NOTHING. It shows that the second kid ALSO lacks the skills to solve the problem. In our province, we have zero tolerance to all forms of violence. PERIOD.

If beating up the boy stopped the bullying then the first boy was just hot air. He was all words. If the bully was the "real thing", the beating could very well escalate the violence.
Look at what is happening in several schools in TO. Revenge feeds a revenge.

The first mistake was to allow the boy to handle the verbal abuse on MySpace alone. Why was that ignored? What started it? Did the boys have a difference of opinions? Or was the bully just saying just because...

Schools know who the troubled kids are. It is no secret. The parents should have reported the incident to the school and also called the police.