What would you do?
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| Sun, 11-18-2007 - 10:26pm |
Ok - here is the scenario - my twin niece and nephew turned 18 today - had a family party yesterday afternoon. My son will turn 18 on Thanksgiving. Last night was also the last Saturday before the winter sports start. SO - that meant there were two drinking parties last night. I work at the high school and could sense the mood... Plus nephew is the popular guy at school but is currently making very bad choices for himself.
Earier in the week my son asked if he could sleep at his bosses house - they were going to play a video game and he would just sleep there. I said "fine by me I just have to touch base with him first." His friend JR called before he got home from work yesterday and when I hung up I said to dh "I sense a storm brewing" sure enough his boss "could not believe I would not trust him." So we head out to the twins birthday - they leave about 5pm - my son leaves to come home shortly after that. He calls me so say he is going to pick up JR and go to AM's house and then he was going to sleep at JR's house. My response to this was ok - I just will confirm this activity through e-mail with the moms later but no sleep over. My theory/experience is that for the most part in high school sleep overs mean to drunk/high to come home. So when I say no sleep over he says "fine I won't go!"
My aunt's response was that I need to let him hang with his friends - my dilema here is I am not ok sending my kid to a drinking party. She is ok with it - she knew he would be out drinking or smoking.
When I got home I did talk to him about all the lies he tried to swim past me over the week. Then he basically told me I ruin his social life because everyone he knows was at one or the two parties going on. I am upset about his lying to me and the consequence is clear - I cannot trust his word... which to him is the worst. I think though I am more upset by the comments that I should just be ok with him going off to drink at 17/18 years old. I don't get it - really - these kids are arrestable and one wrong move can change any of their college dreams in an instant. I asked him today if he really wanted to go to the party or if he got caught up in the drama and excitement. He admitted to me that he did want to hear the band but really did not want to go. We don't drink much here - not for political reasons but more that I can have fun without alcohol. So the boys have had moderation modeled for them forever.
Would you let your kid go out knowing they were going to a drinking/pot party?

" He admitted to me that he did want to hear the band but really did not want to go."
You did the right thing and you shoud be proud of your son for admitting that!
I banned sleepovers too late last year--AFTER DS got in trouble with the school for drinking. Because he is an introvert, I was just glad he was socializing and allowed him to sleep at friends' homes. I guess I was naive thinking he wouldn't drink just because I always waited up for him to come home, and he always looked & smelled fine. Only after he got in trouble last fall, as a senior, did I learn that he had been drinking at sleepovers in summer. With the school's criminalization tactics, we went through three months of hell, something you and your son can avoid.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
I’m a bit confused. Why are they getting these parties in before winter sports start?
Most high schools make no distinction for a drinking / drug violation in the “off season”. At our HS, if they get caught at any time during the school year, they’re done, regardless if their particular sport is “on” or not.
A sleepover at the “bosses” house? You’ve got to be kidding. How old is the “boss”? Your parent radar is in good working order here.
Auntie needs to mind her own business. No. I would not allow my kids to attend a “drinking party” i.e. the type of party organized for this very purpose. My DD and two friends inadvertently attended one of these they thought was a regular birthday party. There were two types of attendees. Those that were wasted, and those that were bored. Fortunately, DD and friends were the latter, and quickly left.
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Stick to your guns. Parents have been
I gave my middle son free rein the second semester of his senior year-he had turned 18 in December. My thought was that I preferred he make his mistakes while I was there for assistance and advice as opposed to doing so in the fall away at college.
The boss is a kid (college age) too. My son and he are very alike and my son was there for him when his brother killed himself this summer. It really is not as irregular as it seems.
It is crazy to me that a parent would just be ok with their kid going to a drinking party - knowing they would get drunk or stoned.... it feels like they are taking chances with their kids lives.
Courtney
There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom
We actually give him wine with big family dinners etc... my son is actually not a big fan of the taste of any alcohol. We do want him to learn moderation... but I don't think that is the message at most teen drinking parties. I think really it was the comment that I should just be ok with him making bad choices - I am ok with mistakes here and there but to break the law and put his future at risk seems nutty.
Courtney
There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom
< < < putting on my flame-retardant suit > > >
By the time my ds21 turned 18, he
Oh my whole final college paper was on adolescent risk-taking behavior... but I learned or rather confirmed that it is really not an easy black and white issue. It is far too complicated to be zero tolerance or one size fits all. I will tell you my son has no interest in going to the parties really except for hanging with his buds. I think he uses me as a bit of a scape goat at times - because he knows I need to confirm and know where he is.
What I learned is kids who ae challenged and made to feel like a valued member of the community are less likely to use. Most kids use to belong - it is better to be with the stoners and accepted than not to be noticed at all. I do get it - but there is also the use of drugs and alcohol on the not fully developed brain. Their brains are growing as much now as they did when they were in uetero.
I actually talk to my kids about the partying and stupid things I did in high school - and in retrospect wish I had respected myself more. When I was a kid I did anything to get out of the house and away from my mother. My boys do have each other and they have a bit of fun regardless of hip happening plans. Once I started driving though - my partying stopped. I think in large part due to a number of accidents with kids drunk driving by my house growing up. In one the passenger was killed and I could not shake the thought of how it would feel to kill your friend and have to live with that for the rest of my life. So, I gues in this regard if my kiddos can't see around this corner - I can.
I actually would love to see the taboo removed from drinking and perhaps even lower the age to 18 again. I think the tabooness makes it all that much more attractive. European countries do not have this issue - at least not the same bulk of the issue. I think parents need to teach kids moderation not have an all or nothing approach - but
Courtney
There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom
What I learned is kids who ae challenged and made to feel like a valued member of the community are less likely to use. Most kids use to belong - it is better to be with the stoners and accepted than not to be noticed at all. I do get it
I have to disagree that the only kids who drink & use drugs are kids who are looking for acceptance.