What would you do?
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| Tue, 03-28-2006 - 11:10am |
What would you do if your DD (17) came to you at 3:00 on a Sat a.m. and wanted to drive to another town to find her b/f who called her and said he had gotten separated from his friends and was lost and wanted her to come find him? The area is a very dangerous area. DD asked me this and I told her I don't know what I would have done except that she would not have gone down there. I might would have gotten DH up and sent him or called the b/f's parents or called the cops since it would take an hour or more for us to get to him. Just not real sure what I have done.
DD knew better than to actually ask me this but he did get separated from his friends, they weren't answering their cell phones, and he didn't have a clue where he was (how was she supposed to find him?). She called his friends who were in that town and they didn't answer for her either. So she called one of his friends that didn't go out of town and he went and got him. He was finally found at 5:00 in the a.m. at one of the guys apts that he went to visit (supposedly one of the guys that he got separated from). He was passed out drunk when he was found. He has no clue of how he got separated or how he got back to the house. The other guys agree that they did get separated and no one can explain why or what happened or how he got back with them.
DD told me this story the next day after I questioned her as to why I kept hearing her moving around upstairs all night long. She left out the part about him being drunk but the guy that drove down to pick him blabbed and it got back to me.
I know there is nothing i can say or do about this but this is one of the reasons I'm so concerned about DD going to college with him. This isn't the first time, he's gotten so drunk he didn't know where he was or what he was saying or doing. It seems to happen about once a month. He's 20 and has pretty much done as he pleases since he was around 14. His mom has always had the attitude that if he works and pays his own bills, he's not her problem. IF he gets drunk and the cops call her to go get him, she does and that's that.
What if anything would you say to your DD about this? What about the b/f?

Well if she actually asked me at 3:00 a.m to go get her bf, I would probably opt for giving his parents a call or trying the police. I'm quite certain I wouldn't hop in my car and go after him under the cicumstances ... but I would make sure I did something to ensure that he was out of harms way.
What I would do in the situation you're in - which is after the fact - is to get a discussion going about what she thinks about the whole incident. It's great that she told you as much as she did. I completely understand your reservations about this kid and her going to college with him. Are you under the impression that she is beginning to wonder a little bit about him? If so, keep her talking. She might just be trying to gather up the courage to act on what she's feeling. Is that possible?
I wish I had some real adivce for you .....
jt
You did offer some very good, very real advice. I'm being a coward at the moment. She gets real defensive anytime I bring up the b/f and his drinking but I know that she hears what I'm saying and she does give it some thought. The approach of how she feels about this is a good one. She broke up with him in Jan but they back together 3 weeks later and I think she is more resolved than before to try to make this work.
Thanks for your input. I appreciate it.
I'm not sure what I would have said, either.
Well now the college concerns are getting even greater - she failed to file her FAFSA by the college priority deadline date so she is now ineligible for certain scholarships. I have e-mailed them asking for clarification on what does the "priority" in priority deadline mean but I doubt it will make any difference. Her failure to follow-up on this is just one more area of concern that I have about her being able to thrive in such a large environment. They certainly aren't going to remind her and some students do need that during the first few years of transition. Oh and she had a wreck yesterday. A very, very minor fender bender that we wouldn't have reported to the police or insurance if it had been her fault. Turns out it wasn't her fault. The man that hit her was high (smelled of pot per several people in the store). He convinced her it was her fault but since there was no damage to his vehicle he didn't want to involve the police. Her bumper now has a nice grey spot with spider veins coming out of it. If she had called the police or at least gotten his name and info, we could have pursued this and let his insurance or our uninsured motorists pay for the damage. As it is now, it either won't get fixed or she'll pay for it herself. We have stressed to her repeatedly that if you have an accident make sure you call us and get the other party's information.
She is so very mature in so many ways and she has come such a long way in the past 2 1/2 years. But I'm just not sure she's ready yet. I'm going to have to take a little time to settle down from all this happening all at once before I attempt to make any decisions or even really talk to her. GRRRRR - I don't like this bam, bam, bam stuff.
I'm so looking forward to May. I'm planning a trip somewhere. I want to go to visit my oldest but since she's coming home for my youngest's graduation I probably can't afford the air fare that soon. Mom has a house at the river. I just may go up there and spend a few days alone with the dog.
I don't know what I would have done, other than talk to her about how scary it must have been to be so drunk and out of it that you can't even tell someone where you are and how to find you. But as you've stated before, I think she already knows that, and the problem here is that she seems to want to "rescue" this guy. I wish I had some advice for you....I think this is going to be one of those "let go and let God" things.