What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
What would you do?
25
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 3:18am
My daughter is 19 she goes to school I completely support her financially, she doesn't work I pay her car payment, insurance, cell phone, clothes, nails every 3 weeks, hair, you get the idea. She's always been a bit disrespectful to me but stupid me I kept giving, I don't know why? Well she's been hanging around a newish group of friends. The crazy thing is these kids all come from families that are well to do and they have turned out to be nothing but a bunch of alcoholic drunks so to speak. I know my daughters an adult and responsible for herself but she has become quite a drinker. She's required now to answer her phone every time I call her while she's out, if she doesn't she's getting it taken away. Reason for this is so I can speak to her throughout the night and make sure she's not drinking, I can't trust her. Well last night was the 5th time in a few months I called and she was passed out cold. I've driven to parties pulled her out and took her home puking and passing out. Last night she was in a car with drunk girls, 2 passed out, one was mine, and a sober guy that drove them home. I screamed at these 18 & 19 year olds, I was so angry and upset!!! I asked them "do you know what alcohol poisoning is" what's wrong with you guys" I told them to stay away from my daughter and then I got her into the house. She had repeatedly told me she was done drinking, I can't trust her and I don't want anything to happen to her. This all started when she became involved with this group of kids, but yes I know she's an adult and she's ultimately responsible for herself but you understand what I'm trying to say? I took away her car which btw I've had to drive home from many different houses at 2-4 am because she was to drunk to drive it home. No car no going out anymore for her at this point. What would you do if you were in my situation? Thank you for any opinions! Please dont bash me, I've seen it happen here. I love my daughter and I'm terrified for her I just don't understand what she's thinking. Btw our home is alcohol free, I do not drink at all!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 3:48pm
Thank you for your reply debbi! I completely agree with what you said. My daughter is not an alcoholic, she holds no interest in drinking unless she out with these kids. She is however guilty of being a follower obviously. She admitted to drinking saying everyone was taking the shots blah blah blah. No excuse don't want to hear that! Some great advise though I will take from all of you and that's tough love. No more handing out money and making her life easy. I've taken her car away and she's not going out until further notice. I'm strongly considering rehab to just set her on a better path and maybe get her away from kids like this group.
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 3:52pm

This is from the AMA...

This comprehensive definition of Alcoholism was published by the Journal of the American Medical Association in 1992. This definition was prepared by the Joint Committee to Study the Definition and Criteria for the Diagnosis of Alcoholism of the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence and the American Society of Addiction Medicine.

Approved by the Boards of Directors of the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. (February 3, 1990) and the American Society of Addiction Medicine (February 25, 1990).

Definition of Alcoholism -- published by the Journal of the American Medical Association

" Alcoholism is a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. The disease is often progressive and fatal. It is characterized by continuous or periodic: impaired control over drinking, preoccupation with the drug alcohol, use of alcohol despite adverse consequences, and distortions in thinking-most notably denial ."

This is from the CDC...

"Alcoholism is a primary illness or disorder characterised by some loss of control over drinking, with habituation or addiction to the drug alcohol, causing interference in any major life function, e.g. health, family, job, spiritual, friends, or legal."

"Dependency on alcohol, also known as alcohol addiction and alcoholism, is a chronic disease. The signs and symptoms of alcohol dependence include—

  • A strong craving for alcohol.
  • Continued use despite repeated physical, psychological, or interpersonal problems.
  • The inability to limit drinking."

Notice that it doesn't say anything about how much you drink. So having a drinking problem isn't defined by quantity - but rather loss of control, which ultimately causes problems in other areas of your life.

My neighborhood growing up was full of alcoholics.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 3:57pm
Love the quote! I blame myself a bit because I've given so much, even when she was disrespectful or didnt follow house rules I'd still for instance fill up her gas tank, give her money to go shopping, whatever came up. It was stupid I should have known this was only going to make things worse and make it harder for her to function in the real world so to speak.
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 3:57pm

I believe that rather than just punishing her by taking away the car and going through the drama of threatening rehab, you need to be working on the foundation for a better life than the one she has now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 4:05pm
I hear you but honestly when she goes out wither normal group of friends she's had since grade school and they still go to the parties she drives and comes home around 12-2 am perfectly sober and happy. These other kids are a crazy group and she follows. Btw I grew up with a very functioning alcoholic mother so I'm not totally clueless.
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 4:07pm

While I think we all need to be realistic and honest about drinking problems, I have to agree with Debbie that binge drinking among young people is a disturbing behavior, but not necessarily indicative of a lifelong problem with alcohol.

Like everyone else, I have a family full of alcoholics - an uncle who died of cirrhosis, an aunt & uncle who made Martha & George in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" look functional, a FIL who drank like a fish his whole life, and a father who would rather iron his hands like Dobby than go a day without a drink, though he hasn't been seen "in his cups" in 20 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 4:11pm
I have been a home mom through the lives of 4 kids this daughter being the 3rd oldest. My kids have always known how much Love them, I've always shown them. Yes I'm guilty of giving and giving and giving but money thankfully wasn't a problem so I thought this was ok however I'm realizing I should have done different. Her sister is 1 year older raised exactly the same and never got in any trouble even through the teen years and is now a pre-med student. I believe I made mistakes with not giving enough responsibility but I also believe someone can pick friends that are not the best influences. Like I said this group of kids come from well to do families that sadly turn a blind eye on the truth I'm finding out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 4:37pm

I read part of the book Yes, Your Teen is Crazy--never finished it, but I remember reading something from that book that stated that frequently parents blame the friends for being bad influences when actually kids tend to pick friends who are JUST LIKE THEM!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 4:54pm

It's amazing how two kids from the same 'gene pool' can be so different, isn't it? My boys are 21 and almost 24. We probably gave them too much 'stuff' and too little responsibility, too. Older did go through a bit of a 'wild phase' his senior year of high school but was still class salutatorian, very involved in extra curriculars, has always had a great work ethic, and is headed to med school next month. Younger ds is every bit of intelligent as his brother but just seems to want to cruise through life doing just enough to keep us off his back. He's tried college a couple times but at this point says he just wants to work full time (he currently works 15-20 hours a week at Lowe's). He has no drive, no goals, etc. He lives at home at this point and pays for all his gas and spending money.

I think making your dd take more responsibility will be a great first step. As far as the drinking - it is concerning that whenever she drinks she drinks til she passes out but as others have said - many young people do it and out grow it. I really think a job and/or a volunteer opportunity would be a good idea for her - it would give her something outside of herself to focus on. Keep us posted!

Pam
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 6:36pm

Good point on the last paragraph.