What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
What would you do?
25
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 3:18am
My daughter is 19 she goes to school I completely support her financially, she doesn't work I pay her car payment, insurance, cell phone, clothes, nails every 3 weeks, hair, you get the idea. She's always been a bit disrespectful to me but stupid me I kept giving, I don't know why? Well she's been hanging around a newish group of friends. The crazy thing is these kids all come from families that are well to do and they have turned out to be nothing but a bunch of alcoholic drunks so to speak. I know my daughters an adult and responsible for herself but she has become quite a drinker. She's required now to answer her phone every time I call her while she's out, if she doesn't she's getting it taken away. Reason for this is so I can speak to her throughout the night and make sure she's not drinking, I can't trust her. Well last night was the 5th time in a few months I called and she was passed out cold. I've driven to parties pulled her out and took her home puking and passing out. Last night she was in a car with drunk girls, 2 passed out, one was mine, and a sober guy that drove them home. I screamed at these 18 & 19 year olds, I was so angry and upset!!! I asked them "do you know what alcohol poisoning is" what's wrong with you guys" I told them to stay away from my daughter and then I got her into the house. She had repeatedly told me she was done drinking, I can't trust her and I don't want anything to happen to her. This all started when she became involved with this group of kids, but yes I know she's an adult and she's ultimately responsible for herself but you understand what I'm trying to say? I took away her car which btw I've had to drive home from many different houses at 2-4 am because she was to drunk to drive it home. No car no going out anymore for her at this point. What would you do if you were in my situation? Thank you for any opinions! Please dont bash me, I've seen it happen here. I love my daughter and I'm terrified for her I just don't understand what she's thinking. Btw our home is alcohol free, I do not drink at all!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 7:36am
mahopac wrote:I see the problem as being one of lack of internal and external discipline, and the partying is just one manifestation of that problem.


ITA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 8:14am

A few questions and I apologize if I missed this info along the way.

You say she is in school-as in college? So she attends college and lives at home? And she is now off for the summer?

Yes, she should have a summer job but, if she is in college, I don't see your paying for things as quite the big deal some do. My boys worked at least summer from 15/16 but we still covered most of their expenses in college. It is about the responsibility, not the money, and I agree with Sue that work and/or volunteer work would be a big plus for her growth and maturity.

Still, a freshman in cillege drinking is hardly earth-shattering news. It is common in college and even goody two shoes ME did it back in the day. It is how they socialize and most parents are indeed clueless as their kids are away or, like me, they figure it is part of the experience.

I would suggest teaching her more about controlled drinking than expecting her to stop. What is she drinking? If she has a glass at a party and someone is always filling it, she can't count her drinks. Help her find a way she can limit herself to 2 or 3. Be sure she is not driving or getting into a car with someone who is drunk(honestly, it sounds like she has a handle on this-that is a big positive)

I lived in a huge dorm freshman year and all but 4 people drank on weekends. I enjoy a martini when I go out to eat and that's about it. I had my time and moved on-most people do! She does have a genetic tendency though so I understand your concern.

Give her more responsibility, expect a summer job or volunteer work, and come up with practical ways for her to be safe. I am guessing the other parents expect some degree of drinking(as I do). I would not focus on them or their kids but just your situation because that is all you can control(sort of)

My 19 year old drive two states to go to a gaming show last weekend. I said no drinking in the car; don't allow the others to drive if they have been drinking; I don't care if you get falling down drunk in the motel room-just be safe!

Son told me he drove all the way there alone because only one other ended up going and friend G was tired and sleepy and the energy drinks he was trying to use to stay awake made him feel sickly. OK, I hated that my kid had to drive 5 hours but I had to praise his wisdom and wondered if there wasn't more to the sleepiness. But I am proud of his decision

Good judgement-that is what we really want. Work on that with her;it is different than controlling what she does; it is giving her life long skills.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 8:35am

Is her father actively involved in dealing with her? It seems that a team effort is needed to get your daughter back on the right track. I agree with the others that it is important that she get a job. She has too much time on her hands to get involved in bad behaviors. I also feel that she needs to take more responsibility in helping around the house, at the very least with her own laundry and meal preperation. She doesn't have any adult responsibility therefore it is not a surprise that she is acting irresponsibly.As far as respect is concerned I feel that you need to demand respect if you are going to get it. If you allow her to be disrespectful, she will be. YOU deserve better treatment than that so expect it and demand it.Being a parent is not a popularity contest. You owe it to your daughter to give her some tough love.Take away everything if you have to and expect it to be unpleasant because she will likely fight you tooth and nail, but hang tough. You need to get her on the right track to becoming a responsible adult. Just curious, how are her grades? Does she have goals for her future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 9:35am

she is an alcoholic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 9:57am

Yes. This is the most sensible post I've read in a long time! And I do think it's a family values problem, maybe not with the values themselves, but in the way they are communicated.

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