What's this about?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
What's this about?
7
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 8:04am

I will admit, I'm used to raising boys, and with boys, well, lets just say relationship drama pretty much goes over their heads.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 12:52pm
Oh boy does this sound familiar to me!!!! My DD 18 had friends or at least a friend just like this in high school. Not sure if this is the exact thing happening with your DD, but I know with mine the "friend" was very possessive and controlling, almost to a disturbing degree. If DD was dating someone she had to become the young man's next best friend so she could know everything that was going on in the relationship. When DD did date someone senior year from another school, she didn't tell her girlfriend. And when girlfriend found out she spent at least a week telling my daughter how worried she was when she went out with this young man and that she should stop seeing him. And I know the whole reason was because she didn't know him and couldn't find out anything about what was going on with them. Perhaps your daughter's friends are trying to sabotage her relationship with T because they are jealous. Is he outside of their circle of friends? Do they only want to fix her up with young men who are in the "group"? I know the "group" mentality, of only hanging out with people from your close circle of friends, was very big at my childrens' high school, not sure if it is the same there. Both of my kids hated that mentality, of being disloyal to the "group" if you hung out with other people. it definitely sounds as though there is some jealousy going on with these friends, and there is probably nothing N can do to stop it. Even if she confronted her friends, knowing girls they would deny it. Sounds as though she is doing the right thing sticking with her conscience. After all I always told my daughter to treat the young men she dated the way she would want them to treat her and I am sure your daughter at this point would be hurt if T went on a date with someone else. Good luck, relationship drama IMO is very different with girls.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 7:40pm

Oh, I'm sure there's some jealousy involved here! Even though N's friends may have or have had bf's themselves, they might not have been as attentive, as protective, or wanting to spend as much time with them as T seems to want to spend with N. He may seem more of a 'real boyfriend' or a 'knight in shining armor' than the boys they keep company with, kwim?

They could also feel displaced by N's attentiveness to T and/or feel insecure now about their relationship with her. They may feel they have 'lost' her to T. You did say that N doesn't spend quite as much time with her gfs now, and lots with T. They may be thinking, "Hey, what about us? We were here first! Don't we mean anything to you anymore? Why is T more important than us?"

Some girls seem to thrive on just this sort of drama -- even create something out of nothing to give them something to agonize over and talk about. My DD avoids that sort of drama at all costs, and it sounds like your N has little use for it either. Could be because of the fact she grew up in a testosterone-driven household!

I also think the 'group' dynamic mentioned by the other poster may be a factor. Since N got involved with T, the group dynamics have changed and N's detachment from the group has thrown it off balance, as is T's presence if the include and accept him as 'one of them'. Seems silly to me, and probably to you and N, but there may be some truth to that. Their fixation to getting N out with someone they are more comfortable with, someone they accept as part of their group leads me to think they don't feel T is part of their group. It seems to be all about 'groups' these days! I personally preferred the days when it was just one big social free-for-all -- when kids didn't feel tied to or were labeled as part of any one 'group.

I remember a few years ago when my DD got tired of the same old, same old, stuff at lunch and ate with a different group of people, al h**l broke loose. It was unbelievable, absolutely ridiculous, how offended her friends got and the things they said!

Well, I don't know if this helps any at all! I think I would just let N know that the problem is NOT necessarily with her, but may have more to do with the insecurities of teenage girls.

Hang in there.




Edited 10/14/2006 7:43 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 9:47am
Her friends may see something that you don't see yet. A "control" thing may be hard to spot at first. The fact that he even once told her she "couldn't" is a red flag, even if it isn't a good idea that she run alone after dark. And then did she run or did she "obey". Keep a good eye on this. My son fell into a controlled relationship in high school. I sure didn't see it coming but wish I had noticed the little things earlier. What a mess it turned out to be and almost ruined his high school years. Once into a relationship that is controlling, it is hard to get out. Not saying that this is the case with your daughter, just saying to be watchful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 10:01am

N never has had much patience for the drama and cliques of some of her friends... I think it does have something to do with growing up in a household of boys/men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 10:30am

LOL - I guess there are advantages to only having boys - as you said they are rather clueless when it comes to a lot of the high school drama!

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 10:37am

You're right Deb.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 1:19am

I think you've got this pretty much pegged Rose.
It sounds like more of an issue of "groups."
Perhaps T isn't quite a member of the club yet.

My DD told me long ago to scrap my antiquated ideas of "dating." You know, casually date a number of guys and try to figure out this male/female thing? Well..DD tells me this is considered slutty behavior. Which is all the more curious why your DD's friends are trying to set her up while she's "going out" with T.

BTW, if T can pass the "older brothers test" he must be an allright little dude. They seem to be able to sense things we can't sometimes..
D