What's the appropriate punishment?
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| Wed, 04-19-2006 - 5:57pm |
My 14 y/o son rec'd his first In School Suspension today. He was apparently involved in an "altercation" at lunch. The school admits that he did not start the incident, that this other kid started it by throwing things at my son and eventually it came to a fight. Now, the other kid has been suspended from school for 10 days for being the instigator and my son rec'd 1 day of suspension for his part in it.
Although my son did not start the fight he was involved and I strongly believe that his actions should carry consequences. Just because he didn't start the fight doesn't mean he's 'off the hook'.
My question is this.....what is the appropriate punishment???
He has already lost his computer and video games etc until his grades improve and 'taking away' items really doesn't seem to impact him too much.
Would it be appropriate for him to revoke his ability to attend his jrotc military ball? Do I ground him from tv, telephone and friends? If so, for how long? Do I make him write a letter of apology to the school administrator that had to call me?
Any input would be appreciated.

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Well its my opinion that if a kid is defending himself, and not fighting back to continue on the fight as in throwing punches and fighting as opposed to hitting the kid back say once or twice to get him to STOP what he's doing to protect himself from being further abused, then I would not punish him b/c its self defense. If he fought back with the intent to carry on the fight to the end all...then I'd say punishment was in order because it was a full blown fight and not self defense per se.
If it were my son, I'd sit him down and make sure he understood the difference as I described it above and discuss what happened. If I felt confident he acted only in self defense to STOP the fight against him, then I would not impose any home punishment. If he was truly fighting to fight, then I'd have to impose consequences b/c of the potential harm to both kids. Missing a ROTC Ball wouldn't seem out of line to me.
Just my 2 cents.
Please do not take away the jrotc ball. Often so many teens who have trouble, find stability with this. This is really important to them.
Although I as a parent understand your need for punishment, given what you've said, I'm not sure I agree it should be severe at all. We don't live in a perfect world where everyone gets along and respects one another. IF I'm reading it correctly, I'm assuming the other kid threw the first punch. IF thats the case, I'm not sure I'd want my own son sitting quietly taking a beating waiting for a teacher to notice.
Having said that, I'd suggest thinking long and hard about what / if anything he'll learn from this punishment. We want kids to learn from their mistakes. Yes, he did wrong, but try and come up with something that will make him learn why it was wrong. And btw, the jrotc might not be happy with him when they get wind of this anyway.
I wouldn't ground him from any activity with a group that is of a benefit to him, and you wish he'd stay with. Like the ROTC.
My son hated ISS, so it may be that is enough punishment or throw in a couple of heavy chores. (since taking things away isn't helping)
Just throwing some ideas out there.
Good luck,
zz
This depends on the circumstances, like
Thanks to all of you for your input!
It seems the general consensus is that severe punishment is not in order. The school agrees that my son was NOT the aggressor and he was defending himself. I have definitely had the talk about how 'disappointed' I am with the situation and that the behavior is 'immature', but I do understand that it is important to defend yourself.
In general, he is not a kid that gets into fights and as it turns out the security guards are on a first name basis with the instigator, so for now I guess we'll let it go.
Thanks again to everyone for all of your help!
I think the other posters had some good points.
You reminded me of my oldest and his constant forgetting to put his name on his papers at school. It was an ongoing issue from year to year and teachers threw papers in the garbage, took off points,kept him in from recess,etc. We heard about it every parent conference
His 7th gr English teacher made him write out his full name 500 times and told him it would be 1000 on the next offense, 2000 for the next
He never did it again after the 500!!!
I guess sometimes those old ideas are still good.
I would definitely allow him to go to the rotc event. This is an excellent organization and one to be encouraged (even the fun stuff).
I think that a letter of apology would be an excellent idea or even just a special sit down with you, your son and the administrator and a verbal apology would do. I see the much, much lighter sentence the school gave your son as their way of saying they probably feel your son was provoked and most kids would have done the same thing but as you say, they can't completely ignore it.
Another possibility is giving him a major chore to do. Such as vacuuming and moping all the floors in the house, all the laundry for a week, dishes, etc. He needs to learn the skills anyway and this has caused you some stress and you need a break. Chores always worked better for my DD than taking things away or grounding her. She actually realized that the work needed to be done anyway and she was helping us out - it improved her self-esteem which was usually down after she had gotten in trouble anyway.
Good Luck!!
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