When do you back off??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
When do you back off??
26
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 10:06pm

DD is 16...that in and of itself says a lot. :) She's a gem and I think/thought she is/was a good Christian kid.

First red flag....she has been 4.0 student forever..this past semester (10th grade) she got 2 A's (elective classes) and 6 B's! I know B's are good...but she made almost no effort therefore got B's. When I don't see her trying, B's aren't okay with me. Have told her she loses her cell texting and IM'ing when school starts again. DH said that was a bit harsh.

Second red flag - she attends a church youth group with a friend. (Not our home church) There are two boys there that I'd had a bad feeling about from the first time I saw them. She swears they're nice guys...they just dress like "Emo" kids. So I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I have threatened to cut her off from this group if I find something that I feel crosses the line. (I am probably more straightlaced than a lot of parents) So today she showed me a good video on YouTube. When it was over she all but cried when I wouldn't give her the mouse so she could log out of her YouTube account. That was a big hint that I better check into it!

So I looked at her favorites. Those boys from the youth group are on there in a few videos....all of which are stupid. Screaming while playing guitar, etc. One of them, however, is something about 'Pervert Rehabilitation'. I think it crosses the line of how Christian kids should act. The girl in the video is a friend of my daughters. She also has a few other videos marked that have bad language and inappropriate subject matter (in my opinion)

SO....the question is....do I cut her off from YouTube/internet...or do I let it go? She needs to learn to make good choices. How else is she going to make it in college without going crazy from all of the sudden freedom. Then again...she knows I wouldn't be okay with her hanging out with kids that behave this way.

When do you back off? If your child is doing stuff you don't approve of, but it's not illegal or dangerous (just stupid and crude) do you allow it? I know she needs to find herself..and that's hard to do if a parent is telling you what's okay all of the time. However, she knows I'm not okay with that kind of humor...especially on a family computer.

What would you do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 12:32am

Thoughts from an eighteen-year-old who is not a mother, but is a daughter:

- You mention that your daughter needs to learn to make good choices, but how is she to learn that if you make her choices for her?

- I realise that you are a committed Christian, and I'm not having a go at you (despite the way I have been treated by some 'committed Christians').

- However, have you stopped to consider that perhaps that is not the path your daughter wants to follow any more? I don't know your daughter and I don't know you; however, this could have something to do with it. There are real prodigal sons and daughters who do not want to call themselves Christian, or decide later that there is another path they want to follow.

- The 'emo' trend is bluster. It is about being happy through being sad, and it is ridiculous. I'm a teenager and even I don't get it. It seems to be about applying as many negative adjectives to life as possible.

- You could try to stop your daughter seeing these boys, but if she truly considers them friends, she may go against your wishes. She may see something in them that they may not. Again, I don't know. But particularly if she has a license and/or her own car.

- Continuing on that tack, she is most likely keeping these YouTube videos secret because she realises they would disappoint you.

- People do not seem to realise how corrupt these youth groups can be, because these Christian youth have hormones like everyone else, and can influence each other. The sad fact is that this will likely happen at any youth group. Particularly if some of the members are forced to be there by their parents - not necessarily your daughter - but there will always be someone that doesn't want to be there.

- I don't know how to advise you on the mobile phone, since I have one and I've never abused it. What is so fascinating about mobile phones to this generation?

- At some point in the teenage years, yes, we will do things that are annoying or disappointing. And we will do it specifically because we know they will upset you. It's a sign of immaturity, but in my experience, it goes away.

- The grades: So long as your daughter picks herself up for junior, and more so, senior year, tenth grade should be a blip on the radar. To my knowledge, everyone at my school kind of blew off Year 9 and 10, concentrated a bit in Year 11, and then in Year 12. they really got nervous and buckled down. I'm Australian, but this probably applies everywhere. I took school seriously and am now at university. School is a lot like university - survival of the fittest.

- Finally, applying an epithet like 'good Christian kid' can be a millstone around a person's neck, because the minute they feel they're not living up to that ideal, they feel guilty, and they can become withdrawn and secretive, which helps no-one.

I'm not being disrespectful, and I apologise in advance if you are offended by any part(s) of my post. But I was that age (not rebellious, though - I'm an only child, I love my parents), and I have a particular friend - nice Pentecostal boy - who ain't really that nice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 1:01am

I appreciate your reply...and nothing in it was upsetting to me. I know there are Christians out there that give Christianity a bad name. No one is perfect...I'm not better than anyone else. Don't pretend to be.

I just want what's best for my kids. When a parent sees their child taking a path that is definately going to head them down a bad path you want to help them avoid it. That's just being a parent.

Once again, thanks for the reply. There were some good points in there that I will definately think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 7:13am

I certainly can understand your concerns and how you feel about your DD's friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 9:26am

Hmmmm....not sure exactly what to say here. I'll start with the grades. Your dd sounds like a very good student. I guess if she were mine, I'd not penalize her for getting the Bs, but rather sit down and talk with her and ask why she thinks her grades changed. Make sure she understands that you aren't unhappy with Bs, but you want to know why the change. It may be something as simple as she wants to spend a little more time on her social life....something that is very, very normal at 16.

You say your dd is part of a youth group. That's great! She's made a very good choice right there. But kids are STILL kids....and they are prone to acting out and making stupid choices at times. The YouTube videos are the type of thing that if it were me, I'd keep my eye on them, but not necessarily make a big deal of them. If they showed things that were completely inappropriate....sex, drugs, etc., then you should make an issue of it. But all kids, even good Christian kids, experiment with cursing, and being loud and rude. It's part of the way they find out what works for them and what doesn't.

One thing I have learned is that the tighter you hold the reins, the harder your child will pull at them, and they will learn to sneak behind your back if they feel that is the only way they can do the things they want to do. To some extent you have to give them enough rope to hang themselves. Allow her a certain amount of freedom and see what she does with it. I don't mean tell her she can stay out until all hours or anything like that, but just keep your eyes open and your ears open, but don't be so quick to cut her off and penalize her every move. You will learn more this way because she won't feel the need to hide everything she does.

It sounds to me like your dd is a pretty good kid. Take a deep breath and for everything that upsets you, really ask yourself....is this unsafe? Is this something that will lead to further more serious problems? Or is this just something that I don't like because it doesn't go along with my moral values? We have to pick our battles with teens, and save the battles for the really big things.

Nancy

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 9:56am

Teenage time is a time to explore things while still being monitored.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 10:05am

I have a soon to be 19-year-old and a soon to be 17-year-old. Through the years, there has been one constant among their friends. Many of the kids who were brought up "Christians" were the ones who were engaging in questionable activities: drinking,sex,drugs.
And many of the agnostic and non-Christians kids I know are,by and large, on the straight and narrow. So, I get rather "testy" when people (although I do understand the reasoning) talk about Christianity as the path to morality.

It is important that kids internalize the reasons why they should not engage in questionable activities. They choose a "straight and narrow" path because it makes sense. The reasons make sense to them. No amount of preaching or church attendance will make that happen. If your daughter truly understands that she will ultimately hurt herself then she should be alright.

Saying that it is hard for me to comment on your post without more details on your bar of acceptability. What evidence do you have that your daughter is going to go down a "bad path"? It sounds like she is a normal 16-year-old girl.

You post that you don't like the boys at the church group she attends. Why is she attending a community you, as a family, don't attend? The real value of any faith community is that it is a community,united to support and nurture its members. If that community does not have the same value system that you are comfortable with, talk to your daughter about your concerns and give her well-thought out reasons why? She is 16 now;old enough to make decisions as to what she believes or doesn't believe in. She is also old enough for a thoughtful intelligent discussion on faith issues. You know, there are many flavors of Christian Communities that put a different slant on the teachings in the bible.

AS for her friends, please remember one thing. Your daughter is a member of a group. It is not the fault of the kids she hangs with that she will or will not act up. It is her choice. These kids are supplying a need she has. Be careful by judging the character of others;especially kids. Talk to your daughter, get to know her friends. You might be surprised.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 10:08am

I understand your concerns completely.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 10:24am

Nicely expressed, abbag.

Some of the wildest kids I know are "good Christian kids."

Personally, I dislike that expression.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 10:40am

My DD was raised in a Christian home, but she has rebelled against her faith because of the hypocrisy she sees amongst her peers. She is very much on the straight and narrow path, but currently claims to be an atheist. I think she will return to faith later, but, for now, she wants nothing to do with the youth groups that she sees as hotbeds of drugs, sex, and stupid behaviors.

For her, the final straw was a church camp where the kids were engaging in dangerous and risky behaviors with the knowledge and consent of the camp counselors.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 10:42am

I think that you may be putting too much pressure on your DD to expect that she will continue to get all A's throughout high school. DS just finished 5th grade and got all A's--of course, at this age, they are all taking the same level and I know he's very smart, so it was pretty much expected. He probably spends about 10 mins. on homework a night too. BTW, they had to read 2 books for summer reading and he's already done, including the book reports.

DD just graduated from high school. She was in the top 10% of her class, National Honor Society, got into all 4 of the colleges she applied to, with scholarships, and this year I think she got 2 A's and 4 B's, so getting the Bs is certainly not going to ruin your DD's chances for the future. DD probably could have gotten a little better if her social life wasn't as active (I'm actually not sure about that) but she also worked part-time and did activities and there are only so many hours in the day. By the time they get to high school, I figure it's not my job to monitor their school work so closely. If she started getting C's or worse, then I would step in. Another thing about h.s. is that there are usually different levels of courses. In our school, there was academic, college prep, honors and advanced placement. My DD was usually in all honors classes. The class rank was weighted so that if you were in a harder class, you got more points. You wouldn't want your DD to be taking all easy classes and not challenge yourself just to get A's because she is afraid of trying something new and getting a B and disappointing you. And how do you know she wasn't trying? Did you see her papers, tests? Was she going out every night and not doing homework? did the teachers tell you that?

As far as the videos, I certainly wouldn't stop your DD from hanging out w/ friends just cause they made some stupid videos that had bad language. I'm sure some of it is shock value or to be "cool" but it doesn't mean they are bad kids. I'm sure that doesn't mean they are bad kids necessarily. Like you said, the more strict and controlling you are, the more she is going to want to rebel the first chance she has. My DD has done some things that I don't really approve of (nothing that bad) but since I don't over-react and we can talk about things in an adult manner, I know what she's doing. My DH on the other hand, is one of those authority guys who has a bad relationship w/ his 17 yo DD. The result is that she does things that are wrong, but she tries to hide everything from him, which doesn't work cause he eventually finds out and then it makes the relationship worse. So I would say to lighten up a little and realize that it would be better to let your DD rebel in little ways, like waching videos that you might not like, and that it's a lot better than having her rebel in big ways like taking drugs or running w/ real wild kids.

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