When do you back off??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
When do you back off??
26
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 10:06pm

DD is 16...that in and of itself says a lot. :) She's a gem and I think/thought she is/was a good Christian kid.

First red flag....she has been 4.0 student forever..this past semester (10th grade) she got 2 A's (elective classes) and 6 B's! I know B's are good...but she made almost no effort therefore got B's. When I don't see her trying, B's aren't okay with me. Have told her she loses her cell texting and IM'ing when school starts again. DH said that was a bit harsh.

Second red flag - she attends a church youth group with a friend. (Not our home church) There are two boys there that I'd had a bad feeling about from the first time I saw them. She swears they're nice guys...they just dress like "Emo" kids. So I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I have threatened to cut her off from this group if I find something that I feel crosses the line. (I am probably more straightlaced than a lot of parents) So today she showed me a good video on YouTube. When it was over she all but cried when I wouldn't give her the mouse so she could log out of her YouTube account. That was a big hint that I better check into it!

So I looked at her favorites. Those boys from the youth group are on there in a few videos....all of which are stupid. Screaming while playing guitar, etc. One of them, however, is something about 'Pervert Rehabilitation'. I think it crosses the line of how Christian kids should act. The girl in the video is a friend of my daughters. She also has a few other videos marked that have bad language and inappropriate subject matter (in my opinion)

SO....the question is....do I cut her off from YouTube/internet...or do I let it go? She needs to learn to make good choices. How else is she going to make it in college without going crazy from all of the sudden freedom. Then again...she knows I wouldn't be okay with her hanging out with kids that behave this way.

When do you back off? If your child is doing stuff you don't approve of, but it's not illegal or dangerous (just stupid and crude) do you allow it? I know she needs to find herself..and that's hard to do if a parent is telling you what's okay all of the time. However, she knows I'm not okay with that kind of humor...especially on a family computer.

What would you do?

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 11:07am

"My DD was raised in a Christian home, but she has rebelled against her faith because of the hypocrisy she sees amongst her peers. She is very much on the straight and narrow path, but currently claims to be an atheist. I think she will return to faith later, but, for now, she wants nothing to do with the youth groups that she sees as hotbeds of drugs, sex, and stupid behaviors."

My son is saying he is agnostic right now....also due to the "good Christian Kids" He has been hurt over and over by these kids, cause not only have they not "walked the walk" themselves, but then when THEY choose, they turn on the "holier than thou". He actually was at a Christian school for 4 yrs and asked us to leave because the kids were sooooooo cruel. It hurts me as a mother who's faith is strong, but I too think that he will find his faith again. I really see though, that the parents who have this whole, my kid is a good Christain kid, are the ones that are blind to how they really behave, which is very un-christ-like. JMHO.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 12:21pm

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Actually, being "agnostic" is the new teenage trend. They don't want to declare that God doesn't exist, because they might need Him at some point, but at the same time, they don't want to get up on Sunday and go to church with the family.

Not saying this is YOUR child, please don'e be offended, but from what I see of my son's friends, their claim of "agnosticism" is motivated more by a lack of interest in participating in any church-related activities or getting up on Sunday morning than in any actual "belief." Heck, most of them can't even DEFINE "agnostic."

As an adult, that turns into "I believe in God, but I don't believe in organizaed religion."

My sons were both raised in my church. At 18, after being confirmed, my oldest declared he had set foot in church for the last time (DS 15 is still very active). I have no doubt that, as he reaches full-fledged adulthood, he will return - as I and many of my peers did - but for now, we're playing the "I don't need to go to church to be close to God' (something, by the way, with which I heartily agree) game.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 1:38pm

To be truthful, I too have a real issue with "good Christian people."

Avatar for sharo63
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 7:08pm
I find this thread really interesting as a mom of three teens who are not only being raised Christian but "catholic!" All 3 have been compliant (dd is almost confirmed) but deeply question some of the rhetoric they have been exposed too. We have attended services in our local Christian based church (which for us constitutes a mortal sin!) and found equally disturbing attitudes.
The bottom line for us has always been that we are deeply grateful to God for all that he has given us. We want our children to have a faith basis to draw from when life takes its toll on them, but we don't want to sensor their existance in the name of Christianity.
Your DD has undoutedly been exposed to much more than Youtube and yet she sounds like she is developing into a healthy, smart young woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 11:39pm

@ mamarose: As a teenager, adult and a Roman Catholic who has doubted in matters of faith many a time, I found your post cynical and offensive.

What your post is saying is, "faith is decided by where we go on Sundays". Not only is that decidedly false, it's offensive. I did not appreciate that when my "good Christian" friend said that to me, and I don't appreciate it from you now.

Everyone is allowed to have their own beliefs. If you don't agree with them, it's your problem - not theirs.




Edited 7/2/2007 11:41 pm ET by abbag1rl
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 9:43am

Woah - hold on there, Tiger...not only did I not mean to offend you, but your comment "what your post is saying is..." is decidedly false. That is NOT what my post is saying at all.

As for doubting matters of faith, many of us have been in that position - many have wrestled with that situation, and many have come out of it on both sides of the argument. I have no doubt in my mind that there are teenagers who question and/or doubt their faith - and was not addressing them.

My post dealt with one subject - that of teenagers declaring themselves to be "agnostic." As the parent of two teenagers, and as the mom "all the kids talk to," a VAST majority of my sons' friends declare themselves as "agnostic." Of those, I would estimate 70-80% of them cannot DEFINE agnostic.

The first definition of agnostic in the dictionary is as follows:

"a person who holds that the existence of the ultimate cause, as God, and the essential nature of things are unknown and unknowable, or that human knowledge is limited to experience.""

Having ASKED teenagers who define themselves as agnostic, a good many of them had NO IDEA this is what it meant. "What? Of COURSE God exists! Who would think otherwise?" (I am not kidding - that was actually a RESPONSE I got).

I started questioning the growing agnostic thread in teenagers when my own son, who has NO PROBLEM with his faith, began to throw the word around. After looking around and examining the situation, I noticed the following:

1. A GOOD number of my son's friends came from families that went to church/temple/whatever regularly (as opposed to those raised in more secular households).

2. Most of these kids firmly believed in the existence of God in their lives - and really had no problem with their churches.

Note: If you FIRMLY BELIEVE that God exists (whether you have a particular FAITH or not), you CAN'T be agnostic - that's contradictory.

It became a "cool" term to use to mean "I don't want to get up after a night of partying and go to church in the morning," "Youth group is lame," etc., all of which would be less accepted by their families.

Agnostic is the new "Emo."

As for offending you, I'm sorry if this does, but it IS true. As a parent of gay teenagers, I also notice a trend among teenagers to label themselves as "bi" or "gay"--again, because it's "cool," "different," or in some way shocks society. I don't like it at all - my children have a hard road a head of them and have already travelled a difficult path - to make light of it is offensive.

But it happens.

I hope this clears some things up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 6:14pm

Attending another church service is NOT A MORTAL sin for Catholics. As a former Catholic who was strictly brought up in the church, I know this to be true. If that were true the Pope would have a mortal sin on his soul since he has participated in such services.

It is only a mortal sin and automatic grounds for excommunication if you don't attend a Catholic service during Easter. It is also grounds for "excommunication" if you leave the Church. However, you are always welcomed back into the fold if you confess and become a practicing catholic again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 6:26pm

Excuse me. Your post is rather strange and shows a total lack of insight into the evolution of faith. As a former Catholic (brought up with the nuns) and Anglican (and former Sunday School Teacher for over 10 years), I found her post refreshing true.

Avatar for sharo63
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 9:50pm
It is very possible that my knowledge of Catholic doctrine is incorrect. I have been a practicing Catholic all my life but I have to say sometimes I find it all alittle daunting. My point may not have been clear...I was just trying to say, focus on the "big picture." No one organized faith may be perfect but I believe a faith foundation serves teen well as they begin to make their way.
Sharon
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 12:42am

Thanks to all for the opinions/advice offered. I see that one of my primary errors in the original posting was using the term 'good Christian kid'. : ) I was raised in church and know plenty of crazy stories about those so-called Christian kids! For those of you that I offended with that...it most definately was not intentional and I'm not as naive as you may think. I've seen plenty. Kids are kids. I've yet to find a child that is immune to their environment. I guess I should have just used the terms 'good kid' and 'devoted Christian'...or something along those lines.

Neither was it my intention to classify or stereotype my daughter (or other kids)....I was just referring to her past devotion to her faith.

I get the overall message that has seeped through.....it's time to back off. While I shouldn't 'cut the apron strings', it's definately time to at least loosen them.

While I hope my daughter will remain active and continue to grow in her faith, I know it is ultimately her choice. I will continue to sift through the positive feedback you all took the time to provide.....what would we do without the internet nowadays?

Thanks so much!