When do you give up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
When do you give up?
8
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 10:52am

I'm at my wit's end with my 17 yo son. Truly at my wit's end.

At the end of June, he came home after being in a juvenile correctional facility for 3 years and then a group home for 1. He's been on probation since, but doesn't seem to have any desire to get off probation because he refuses to follow the rules.

The first problem is his school attendance. He's a senior and only needs a few credits to graduate so I guess he thinks he can coast through this year -- but IMHO that doesn't mean that attendance is optional. He's tardy at least once every two weeks and he's missed some days because he simply refuses to get out of bed. Today is a prime example; I got up at 7:45 and he was still in bed. I spent TWO HOURS trying to get him up and just gave up.

The second problem is with employment. He had one job, but quit that when he got mad at his manager; he just walked out. The second job that he finally got was only seasonal and only 6-8 hours every two weeks, and involved MY driving him to work and back for a total of at least 2 hours of driving time. Now that the holiday season is over, he doesn't have a job. He's applied for ONE job -- and that one was an online application that I helped him with.

I honestly don't know how to get through to him. He's going to graduate in June (provided he doesn't fail due to attendance problems) and he has no plan for what he wants to do after that, no job, no money, no driver's license and no car. He has NOTHING. I've been very clear with him that he is not going to continue to live here and sponge off of us once he graduates if he is still in this same situation.

I don't know what to do until then. I've sent an email to his parole officer who's aware of DS's issues already. I'm afraid that the flagrant violations of his parole are going to land him back in the juvenile correctional system and maybe that's what he needs.

Is it time for me to just give up and let him fall on his face? I'm so frustrated after 5 years of supporting him through the tough times.

Thanks in advance.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 11:56am

Welcome to the board! However, I am sorry that I do not have any good advice for you. I am also sorry that your son is so unmotivated! Perhaps it IS time to just let him fall on his face (if that is what it is going to take)? I hope others will be along shortly to share their ideas. Good Luck!

Hugs!
Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 12:33pm
You poor thing - it's got to be heartbreaking to have such a troubled child and not be able to get through to them.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 1:25pm

Wow, you really have been thru the mill with your DS, and I can fully understand your frustration.

I think you need to differentiate between giving up on your DS and giving up on trying to keep him in school, out of detention, or whatever. As old as he is, suffering the consequences of his choices just might be a good thing, it might help him 'get it' that he has to do something to turn things around, coz you're not going to fix it for him anymore. But don't ever let him get the feeling that you've given up on HIM.

Let me tell you where I'm coming from. Five years ago my oldest DS's best friend S came to live with us, coz his family had kicked him out, coz he was in so very much trouble. The way they sent him on his way, and how they dealt with him before, left him feeling like he was unsalvageable. We got him when he was 17, with no self esteem, lots of relationship issues, no job, juvenile detention, drug addiction and residential treatment in his past. We let him know that if he REALLY wanted to turn things around we had faith that he could do it, but it would take a lot of work on his part. We would not tolerate any crap from him, and he knew it, but we always did what we could to let him know that we believed he could make good choices if he thought before he acted. Within about 6-8 months of living here, he was clean, sober, on high honors, had a job. Ended up going to college for 3 semesters while working, is now a Marine and married to his high school sweetheart that he started dating about 4 months after coming to live with us. One thing he's said to me in the last year is that the difference between our home and where he came from is that we never gave up on him, but let him suffer the consequences of his bad choices, and gave him ways to earn our trust back, to redeem himself.

Might not work for every kid, but it worked for us. I hope things work out for your DS, it sure is hard for these kids to dig themselves out of the hole they let themselves fall into.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 1:53pm

Thank you, Rose. You bring up an interesting point to it and that's the differentiation between giving up on him and giving up trying to get him to go to school and to work.

I guess my question becomes HOW do you give up trying to get a person to get their act together?

Right now, without having a job, DS doesn't have money to do anything so he just doesn't. He stays at home most of the time. He's been playing an online game, but that's going to stop. If he were taking care of his responsibilities, it would be one thing, but he's not, so the game's gone. Beyond that, he doesn't do much of anything -- he sleeps, eats, watches tv and talks to his friends on the phone.

So do I just stick to providing the essentials (shelter, food, clothing) and nothing else?

It's frustrating because my SO and I have tried so hard to be supportive and encouraging. I don't want to see DS end up back in the system; he's a smart kid but he is heading down a road that is going to be very difficult. Obviously, I don't want that for him, but I don't know what to do to make him care.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 2:24pm

I think you need to break the future down into baby steps and I would start with the drivers license myself!

So far none of mine have had or even currently have an idea of what they are going to do in the future and I find this is not unusual in boys these days.

Get the drivers license; get a job; come to terms on a vehicle of that if the only way he can get to said job.

Be sure he is doing for himself at home-laundry is a must. If getting him to make dinner for all is not realistic, have days where you and SO go out and let him cook for himself. He should be booking doctor and dentist appts; you shouldnt be cleaning his room(not saying you are-just giving examples). Get him ready to be out there on his own....

I wouldnt recommend stating he will be out of the house after graduation unless you are dead serious and chances are you are talking 70% frustration right now. Stick with the baby steps and in the present for now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 3:23pm

I agree with windrush that you have to be happy with baby step moves forward now - and when he does accomplish something, rather than taking the attitude that "he should have been doing that 2 years ago" give him some praise. "I'm proud of you for taking responsibility for _____." Truthfully, the time that he spent in juvenile detention was pretty much just time spent as far as learning to take responsibility for himself in the real world goes, if it was anything like the detention S was in. So even though your DS is 17, it's quite likely that when it comes to taking care of himself he's delayed at the 12, 13 or 14 y/o level - and you will have to approach him at that level.

Also, find something that he does well, that he's good at, that you can acknowledge, to try to build his self esteem. It sounds like he probably has very low self-esteem now, and some things should improve as he gets happier with himself. It might be very little things, but its a start. With S it was "you were pretty patient with N tonight, good for you." "Thank you for putting your dirty dishes in the dishwasher." "You're a very talented artist, have you ever thought of going into something that would make use of that talent?" I know that you are very frustrated with DS now, but there must be something that he's good at or does well. One night I even told S I was impressed with how skillfully he maneuvered thru the levels of the PS2 game he was playing! Anything that will give the kid positive strokes.

I guess how you give up on trying to get him to care or get him to get his act together is taking the tactic of "It's your responsibility to get to school on time. Your alarm is set for ________ and I expect you to get up then. I will call you only once after your alarm goes off, if you aren't up and at school on time, you will not get the privilage of __________ for the night." OR if he chooses to skip school, it might be time to assign extra chores... we all work around here, and school is your job. If you choose not to do your job then you will have to _______" - and make sure it's a noxious job, like cleaning toilets or something. Our DSs messed up really big one time about 5 years ago, and hubby had them cutting brush for the construction company that he works for. The boys did such a good job at it, that they were actually given a part time summer job out of the experience! THAT didn't turn out the way we planned, but it was a real self esteem boost for the guys.

Hang in there, I know you're frustrated, but your DS is worth the effort.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 10:41pm
Man, Rose, what some great advice! No wonder your DSs come back home to you! Hope your DS in Iraq is soon back home.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 12:40pm

I try Janet, I try.

S will be back in the states before Valentines day - woo hoo!!!! Don't know when I'll be seeing him again, depends on what the USMC wants sto do with him, what our $$ situation is after taxes are paid, and when he and C can manage to work out to come back to WI. Definitely will be back in May though, coz C graduates from college then.
Rose