When do you let them fall?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 03-02-2006 - 9:34pm |
I've posted on this board a few times about my son. He is 17 years old, in Grade 12, due to turn 18 in July. He's SUPPOSED to be graduating this year as well but not sure if this is going to happen now.
Last semester he had his 4 toughest subjects and with a load of browbeating and driving him to school to ensure he made it to class, he made it and passed his classes (barely). This semester he has an easy 4 months with just option classes (mechanics) and one other that he needs to graduate but is basically a "fluff" course.
Now, a bit of history - my son has always HATED school with a passion. Been an incredible fight for 12 years to get him where he is at now. He's also a loner, only a couple of friends (not close). He has always had problems in group or social settings and behavior issues. Since this most recent semester started, he has not been showing up at school. He sleeps in and just doesnt bother to go. Mainly stays home on computer, watches TV, whatever. I've talked to him, my husband, the teachers etc. and he says he just cant seem to get up and doesnt WANT to get up. He hates these classes in this semester, its group work with people who he doesnt like or doesnt like him and therefore chooses not to go. He needs the credits to graduate this year. He doesnt seem to care and would rather ditch school and maybe make it up next year with some other classes. I told him that I am NOT paying for him to take any more classes next year when he could be finished this year for free in 3 months. I will help pay for college etc. but not more high school when he quits this late in the year.
I am so angry with him. I keep reminding him that he only has 3 more months and after that doesnt even have to step foot in another school if he doesnt want to. I've stressed the importance over and over of a Grade 12 education but he doesnt care. I told him that if he got a part-time job and saved some money I would help him buy a car. He really wants one but not bad enough to work or save for it.
To be honest, I've really had enough. I hate to give up on my kid but I dont know what more I can do. I'm thinking that maybe if I give him the ultimatum of work or school maybe he'll see that in the real world he can't get anywhere without some sort of education and turn back to it later on. It just saddens me to no end to see him so close and now give up. I've taken away privileges and so forth in the past but it doesnt do any good. Tonite he asked me for a ride to a friends house and I said no more favors from me until he shows responsibility of going to school or taking charge of his life somehow. He's never kept a part-time job for any length of time (2 months max).
In retrospect, he's never caused me any problems other than with school. Doesnt drink, party, smoke, drugs etc. which I am always thankful for. He's a real homebody who enjoys the comforts of his home (a little too much).
I know he needs to grow up big time - what do you all think? Let him fall and be there to pick up the pieces later? I am so frustrated!!!
Thanks!

If he's got all his required classes in but just needs the credits to graduate this year, what about having him take the high school equivilancy test?
We live in Canada so I think it's a bit different here but I will check with the school to find out what his options are if indeed he decides not to pursue the remainder of the three months. I've been dreaming of the day when I could watch him walk across the stage and receive his diploma after the long hard road its been for all involved but doesnt look like it will happen.
I still can't understand his mentality but heck they're teens right?
my XH was gonna drop out of school 2 months before the end of his jr year. His mom flipped (of course) and they went down to the school, pulled his records and discovered that he had enough credits and all the right ones, to graduate that year, so he did. I think he had to finish the school year and that was it, so he basically graduated a year early with more than enough to do so.
Moral of that story is that it never hurts to check. Pull his school record and compare it to the province requirements. Requirements vary by state in the US, so I assume the vary by province in Canada.
you have posted alot about your son - a lot of what you write about him sounds like MY ds. i don't remember if you ever mentioned anything about learning disabilities. i think that there are two issues here - first of all, its possible that your ds is suffereing from something "real" which is preventing him from going to school, from being ABLE to go to school. this is something that i dealt with with my son - he actually suffered from panic attacks - i was witness to this - he really COULDN"T go to school. this is something that you would have to check out with a therapist. the reason i mention this is because of the fact that yoru son isn't going to school, doesn't have friends, and has trouble keeping jobs,
My oldest is the responsible type so he graduated okay although he too hates school and has since 3rd grade(hes 20 now)
College was a bust, however, and we sat him down and made a 6 mo plan for him to be out of the house
Gently(oh, we had plenty of anger, but we worked really hard to make it about 'this is the next stage of your life and we want to help you get there' instead of "ok, smarta..., see how you feel paying rent on 6 bucks an hour")
We insisted he work but allowed him to save it up for the future. We looked at apartment ads with him; we offered furniture. We paid for his auto insurance until the next time the policy came up(8 mos)and I even offered to pay his cell for 6 mos after he left(he chose to pay himself)
But we set a clear date that he had to be out of the house
He has matured tremendously in the 14 months he has been gone. He decided to take classes at the community college and LOVES online-definitely something for your son to consider. He puts in far less 'school time' this way and he doesnt have to get up early.
We are paying because its obvious he has matured(and is pulling Bs)He works 30 hours a week as well and was just given a raise because he took on a special project
So, yes, I am an advocate of tough love. But you have to swallow the anger and frustration and think of them in the same way you did when they were itty bittys. Help him to the next level whatever he has chosen. If he realizes he has made a mistake, its going to be a lot easier to admit it the less fuss you have made over it!
Everything is fixable. He can go back and get that HS diploma. People in their mid 20s start college all the time(as well as their 40s and 50s)
Its just so dang hard letting go of that 'vision' we had for them.
And always remeber that some day he will have kids....and you can gloat!!!