when is it okay to intervene

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
when is it okay to intervene
10
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 11:58am

Try not to be too lenghthy. 19 dd is going to her b/f senior prom, she is a freshman in college. They have been dating 2 1/2 years. For the most part smooth relationship. A few rocky patches along the way. Lately, I have been seeing a pattern I don't like. First off, his mother is so controlling, he is almost 19 and has never made a decision on his on. He has canceled plans with dd for their weekends together 3 times now because his mother has made other plans for him. He will not speak up to her. I am getting off track. Dd is having woman surgery on the 11th of May the prom is the 19th. I know he would never let anything happen to her, but like I said lately, I am seeing things I don't like. Their rocky patch was his junior prom last year. They did break up for a short period of time. He left my dd sit and went and danced with another girl, he was caught by dd looking at pictures that someone else had and he was in the background onthe picture dancing with this other girl. He has a bit of flirtatious nature that I don't like, but dd never says anything.

My concern is that he will not keep an eye on her and she will have restrictions after this surgery, the doctor knows about the prom. Dd always tells me not to butt in and don't ever say anything to him, but I feel like I should give him a "gentle" reminder
to keep an eye on her. Basically,let him know I don't want a repeat of last year.

Where do you step in and is it ever okay. I have tried talking to my dd to rethink the prom, in fact the relationship. He will never be untied from the apron strings. Is this how she wants her life to be. This is just venting, but sometimes it looks to me like he is taking dd very much for granted. This is a mother talking, but he does not deserve someone like her. She treats him like a king, and I don't enough of that treatment coming her way. Not that he treats her bad, just she deserves more. That is my thought.

Sorry for ranting, I am here by myself and no one to rant to.

Thanks so much

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 12:30pm
I definitely understand your wanting to say something to this BF. I know I'd feel the same way. But what exactly are you afraid is going to happen? That he's going to leave her side and she won't feel well and be stuck there? I'm assuming that the prom is somewhere close to where you live. If he should repeat his behavior from last year, couldn't your daughter just use her or a friend's cell phone to call someone to come pick her up if something happens? I guess if she's willing to take a chance on him repeating his past behavior, that's her business. But if she has a way of contacting someone if she isn't well, maybe that would put your mind at ease at least as far as her health is concerned.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 1:20pm

I agree with ejteach, let her go to prom, and have a back up plan in mind, just in case. Where she's in college, she should be able to look out for herself in this situation.

As far as the plans with his family superseeding spending time with your DD - if he'd cancelled those plans with his family, his mom would be here posting about how everything is about your DD and he can't even spend a few weekends with his family. There has to be a happy medium there, some sort of balance, and if most of the time he keeps his plans with DD, that one wouldn't bother me too much. When DSs are close to mom &/or dad, they too, sometimes choose family things over friends, even g/fs.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 1:42pm

Yes, that was my concern, didn't think about that, she has a cell phone, she can call us if something happens, my only concern would be dh at this point. He is not happy at all about this and he does not have the tact that I have!!!!

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 2:28pm
I know where you're coming from. I've been posting here about my DD's bf who broke up with her but is still stinging her along. He wants to have it both ways. I have been called upon to drive them all over town so they can remain "friends." I would love to give him a piece of my mind too but I wouldn't do that to my DD. I'm biting my tongue big time!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 2:59pm

I admire your strength for keeping quiet. Wow, I think that would be so hard not to just let loose on him. Are you hoping your dd cuts the ties on her own? I guess we have to realize that as hard as it is to see them go through this, it is harder on them going through it. Just being there for the fallout is all we can do!

Keep being strong

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 10:40pm

He is still in high school so I would expect family events to be important. Is he going away to college? That will most likely give you a better picture of where he stands with his mother.

I think this is fine-"The doctor said she needs to take it easy; keep an eye on her for me in case she looks dizzy or pale, will you? Feel free to call me if you have worries-Ill be home all night"

OTOH saying he should stay next to her, not dance with other girls, etc? Nope, that's a relationship issue and best left to DD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 8:05am

That sounds good, I think I will phrase it just that way!!!!! I guess I was making him sound bad, he really is not. He would never let anything happen to her. I am just thinking in the mind of a boy at his senior prom, I will just give him a gentle reminder about her health issue. He has made atonement many times over for the prom last year and if I know my dd, it won't be repeated haha!!!

Thanks much,

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 1:23pm

I don't know what kind of female surgery your DD is going to have, but I had a D&C last Monday. I stayed home one day after that, then I went right back to work and have felt fine, so I guess it depends on what she's having. Just get specific instructions from the dr. and I guess if she can go back to school, she can go to the prom.

I don't think it's a very big deal if he dances w/ other girls at the prom. I don't think that even if people are dates it means they have to be stuck w/ each other all night like glue. If she didn't know anyone else there, it might be diff., but I assume she went to the same h.s. and since they have been dating so long, she probably knows his friends.

Since she's already in college and he's probably going next year, there will be a whole group of new people to meet and they might just break up anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 7:44am
Dancing with other girls can be a "not so big deal" depending on the circumstances. I know that when N & T go to their prom in a week and a half, she will be dancing with other boys some, he'll be dancing with other girls some - they're part of a large crowd of friends who hang out together... there are several long term couples (I'm talking more than 3 months, which tends to be a long term relationship in our high school) in the group but there are many unattached folks in the group too. N & T have been together almost 7 months, they're seen as almost married by their friends, and making a move on one or the other of them would be reason for the offender to be excluded from the group. But if N danced with one of T's friends, no big deal.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 9:04am

That is funny!! Dd and b/f have been together 2 1/2 years. They are talking engagement. The girl that he danced with was a longtime friend, but.... he told dd he was dancing with some other girl that dd knows and would not find a threat. He never dreamed that he would be in someone elses pictures. Dd is just a little jealous to put it mildly. Like I said, that was an isolated incident, he hasn't done anything like that since. My dd is not a quiet girl, she can hold her own and she took care of the situation.

I did talk to her last night, she is okay with me giving him a gentle reminder that he will need to kinda watch out for her because of the surgery. She said I could say something. In fact, his parents may get to him before I do. I know he will watch out for her, but a I guess a little parental intervention is not a bad thing.

This is the last prom phewww!!!

Andie