When they become sexually active-help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
When they become sexually active-help!
26
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 9:28pm

Hello...new to this board and could use some advice.

I have worked hard to establish open communication with my 14 yr old since she was a young girl, and I think that we have a mutual trusting and respectful relationship. However, lately I suspect that she is more sexually active than I would like...maybe doing things that she does not consider sex, but I do. I have stressed to her over and over that I believe that she should wait until she is older, and is with someone special, but I believe that curiosity and the desire to be liked by the boys is influencing her. I have told her that she can talk to me at any time about anything whether she chooses to take my advice or not, and I will help her with anything.

Her father and I are divorced, which, of course doesn't help.

How can I put a stop to her behavior without loosing her trust and communication? I want her to be able to come to me if she is in trouble.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 7:24am
To get the conversation rolling, when and where do you suspect your 14 yr-old is "fiddling around?" At home when you are at work? At school? At a friend's home? How does she get the opportunity?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 9:23am

Hi and welcome to the board.

Pam
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 9:47am

It's really tricky at times to get your dd to trust you enough to open up about sex and her activities, especially if you're going on your own gut feelings rather than something you actually know to be true.

I think the best way for you to approach your dd is on the basis of educating her. You can find many really age appropriate books and you can find the right time to talk with her. You can start out and just say, "Listen, I'd like to just go over a few things with you - I know we've already discussed some of these issues, but it's important to me as you get older that we go over them again...." and then just see where it goes. I've even said to my girls, "I can do all the talking, you can just listen. If you have any questions, comments or anything at all, go for it. But I am not pressuring YOU to talk about it, but I think it's important that you hear what I have to say right now". Another thing I have done is write my dd's a letter. In the letter I write about all the wonderful things and traits I love about them or that I think make them special; why it's so important to me that they wait to share that special part of themselves with someone; I write about how *I feel* that the emotional toll that being sexually active has on a person is often more life changing than the physical toll...anyway, you get the idea. Then I will give them the letter and ask them to read it and either we'll talk after or we won't - but I always do like you and leave that door open.

We can't control what they do when they are not with us, but if we educate them enough, are realistic in our expectations, and make sure they know that even if we're disappointed in them that they can and should come to us, it will be okay. My 18dd tells me a lot - I won't say she tells me everything, but she did tell me when she and her BF became sexually active, she's told me about the first time she got drunk at her GF's house, that she smoked pot for about 3 months last summer (she doesn't like it). And my 16dd had to go through a horrible incident to finally be more open with me - because she HAD to lean on me and trust me, she knows she can for sure now. She now tells me all kinds of things (some I wish she wouldn't) and so I believe that sometimes really great things come out of really bad situations.

I think you'll do fine because you're interested and you're seeking ways to be more involved with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 1:56pm

I have learned with my DD that sometimes it's just best to fess up and tell her what I suspect. I know my DD pretty well and I am usually right. However, in this case, you certainly don't want to accuse her and make her defensive. Just simply say, I've noticed that you seem to have more than a casual interest in males and that's normal for your age and we need to discuss what is appropriate behavior and what isn't. She may appear to not be listening but she will hear every word. Once I could have sworn mine stared out the windows at the butterflies during the entire one-sided conversation. A couple of months later she repeated verbatim what I had said.

Another option I've given my DD is to e-mail with her questions. Some kids just aren't comfortable asking their parents things but an e-mail gives them the feeling of anonymity. Plus it gives you time to think through your response - less freaking out this way.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 2:16pm

I have boys so girls are foreign to me, but, as a mom of boys,I can tell you some things never change

Boys enjoy the girls who are willing to engage in sexual activity with them but they have no intention of having a serious relationship with them

I'm not sure what all is out there to support that-she probably will insist things are different today-but you might wish to find some books by boys and young men that speak to their viewpoints on this

Also, check her peer group. I get the impression much of this is egged when girls are in groups. There were 3 or 4 7th grade girls here who took nude and supposedly very raunchy photos of each other and gave them out to boys they liked

As horrifying as that is, at some level I can see this digital camera and a sleepover and things getting done that a lone 7th grader wouldnt dream of....then no one wanted to be the chicken perhaps?

If you are reasonably sure, I agree with the poster who sugggested just going with the conversation as if it is a fact instead of the rather safe but vague "you can tell me anything"

Even if she thinks you know something, she may be thinking about something else like a poor grade on a test

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 5:43pm

Here are the two keys to the issue:

1) and the desire to be liked by the boys is influencing her.

2) Her father and I are divorced

She is seeking attention and affection from males to feel loved. Not because you don't love her, but I'd be willing to bet that it's more about not having or getting enough attention from her father. Can you enlist his help? My suggestion, she needs to see more of him, spend time with him, he needs to tell her she is pretty and hug her often.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 8:35pm
I would completely agree.
I also agree with Windrush. "You can come to me with anything" doesn’t work. They don’t have the skills or maturity to handle that. They need us as parents to initiate and provide very specific information. And we need to start early, when their sexuality is emerging and they haven’t a clue how to handle it or what it means.
You’ve all heard that message from me before. Well...here’s the whole story, which by chance, happened to turn out very lucky.
When DD (now in high school) was in 7th grade she had a "boyfriend" which was more or less a declaration of "going out." This was a nice boy, nice parents, conservative values, etc. We parents all agreed on basic principles such as no dating this young, the rare visit to his house was to be supervised, and I MEAN supervised. (No leaving them alone downstairs to be cool). They were allowed to go to the movies in a group. That's it. By all appearances this was a typical 12 year old “couple���. Not serious, not time consuming, and kind of cute.
I happened to pick up the phone one evening to make a call and heard this “child” literally begging for a BJ. DD kept saying “no”, but her “no” was whiny, like an apology.
DD didn’t realize I heard this yet. I had to leave the house since I was having a core meltdown. Went and got a Starbucks. Drove around 50 miles and thought about making this kid permanently disappear. Then calmed down and realized these were children with no information. DD was clueless. The boy was clueless, probably under pressure from his friends.
I realized it was time for some uncomfortable talks with DD. I came home, calmly told her about accidentally hearing her phone conversation, praised her for her common sense, and from there went on to frequent, specific and graphic discussions about sex, values, birth control, boys and everything in between.
I was lucky for receiving an early wake up call by chance. Our baby faced kids facing middle school are exposed to much more than we may think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 9:17pm

Thanks everyone for the input.

I cannot enlist her father's help for many reasons, the least of which is not that he is in denial.

Since she is 14, and does have some unsupervised time with friends, I don't know where and when this is happening. I have a job with flexible hours, so I am home when she gets home from school. I meet the parents of friends with whom she is spending time, in order to assure that someone will be home. I do not let her wander off aimlessly with friends, but I do let her go get pizza, go to the movies, etc.

I have my suspicions because I read her IM messages. She may be all talk...exaggerating to her friends, etc. but of course I am still concerned. She is talking about top exposure (hers) and touching his privates (no bj so far, in fact she wrote that she doesn't do that).

I have spoken to her many times....at what point do they just shut down because they've heard it all before??

To give her credit where it is due, she did put a stop in no uncertain terms to her behavior with one boy, and they are no longer in contact.

I believe also that this is a consequence of the divorce, and her looking for love and affection. I've tried to do everything a parent is supposed to do, but she still seems to lack in self-esteem.

Sorry to sound so discouraging, but sometimes I feel so helpless and frustrated!!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 9:20pm

"She is seeking attention and affection from males to feel loved. Not because you don't love her, but I'd be willing to bet that it's more about not having or getting enough attention from her father. Can you enlist his help? My suggestion, she needs to see more of him, spend time with him, he needs to tell her she is pretty and hug her often."

No offense but I find this ideology very simplistic at best. A few hugs and compliments from dear old dad will not make her suddenly value her body and have some self respect. A REAL boost to her self esteem may do the trick but not scheduled or rehearsed compliments on her beauty. If you want to boost your dd's self esteem, help her figure out something she is both intested in and good at, something that feeds her soul, something that helps her to realize that being a blossoming young woman is more about WHO she is than WHAT she is, it's more about what she can accomplish than how pretty she is or how much her dad likes her. Single mothers nationwide are able to accomplish this monumental task (in which society values a woman based on her looks rather than her talents and mind) on thier own without the help of absent fathers. I am not devaluing the role of fathers, I'm merely pointing out that a daughters self esteem and value is not based solely on whether or not her father pays her some attention. I think it is narrow and small minded to believe such a thing.

I am divorced from my daughters' father and I can tell you that my 18dd only after a long term relationship (that is still going strong) this past summer decided to have sex with her bf. She was never promiscuous and never placed herself into a situation where her behavior could be misconstrued as anything other than proper. She is still considered a prude by her GF's. I think it's more about the particular kid than anything else.

Can you tell you've hit a nerve? Sorry if it seems like I'm ranting, but I am. It just really bugs me when people believe that if a young girl or woman is promiscuous that she's missing something from her father. In actuality, she is missing something from within herself and as this girl's mother you owe it to both yourself and mostly her to help her find what that is and fill the emptiness. She should not have to validate herself by allowing others to use her body or be made to feel special based upon her looks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 9:33pm

"In actuality, she is missing something from within herself and as this girl's mother you owe it to both yourself and mostly her to help her find what that is and fill the emptiness. She should not have to validate herself by allowing others to use her body or be made to feel special based upon her looks."

She has a father as well, and he is not absent, just unworkable. What more should I do to help her fill this void?? I talk with her all the time, I am involved in her life and with her friends and activities, I teach her to cook when I am cooking, I support her love of theater and drive her to endless play rehersals, I wipe her tears when she doesn't get the roles she wants, when she fights with her friends, when the boy she wants to go out with doesn't want to go out with her. I tell her all the time how wonderful I think she is, and how proud I am to be her mother. I talk to the school, and her teachers.

Believe me, I ask myself every day what more I could be doing for my girl, and I am out of ideas.

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