When will DD see the light?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
When will DD see the light?
6
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 8:36am

This is mostly a rant--sorry. I am so surprised and, yes, a bit disappointed in my DD who is 15 and just finishing her freshman year. As I've posted here before, she had her first bf this year. They went out for about 5 months before he suddenly and unexpectedly broke up with her to date another girl. She has continued to carry a torch for him, and he encourages it--especially since he has now broken up with that other girl, supposedly because he "has feelings for" my DD. That was nothing but an excuse, which is obvious to everyone besides my DD. She is constantly inviting him over or trying to get together with him. He has shown no real interest in her whatsoever. She sees he is getting together with other girls....he has done everything besides telling her to get lost, yet she doesn't get the point. She is very strong-willed and determined, so I guess this isn't that surprising. But I worry that she is making a fool of herself and is setting herself up for a really big fall. I have reason to believe that she may be doing or offering to do some "things" with him in a desperate effort to get back together. He says he doesn't want to do "nasty things anymore" because they aren't dating. What the heck does that mean?! So far, she has had a strong sense of self-worth and self-respect, but I fear that she is going to lose these (or perhaps already has). She is very pleasant to me and DH, but apparently she secretly sees us as the enemy because we're the reason she is "missing out on all the fun." We have been nothing but nice to this boy, specifically so she cannot blame this situtation on us.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'd like to bring up the subject of keeping one's self-respect and reinforce the importance of people liking you for who you are, but it's hard to have a conversation like that with her. Any good movies that might bring this up as a talking point?? Other suggestions?? Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 6:12pm

I really don't have any suggestions for you at the moment, but something might come to me as I type.


In light of the terminology kids use here, I don't know how alarmed I'd be about his comment about "doing nasty things" - my nephew and his wife refer to "doin' the nasty" to mean they had sex.

Avatar for sharo63
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 7:39pm
Well, I can tell you the line I use with my 15 yr.old DD...I say I saw Dr. Phil, Oprah, Ellen (you fill in talk show) about (you fill in the blank with your topic of concern). You might say..."Oprah was talking about teens relationships and how they can be so one sided." Be prepared for silence. I always take silence as I will continue talking because when she really gets POed with me - she's definitely not silent! Then proceed to hash out a scenario with these "made up" teens and see where it leads.
If it helps, my DD has had the same BF since summer before 8th grade (wasn't even allowed to call it that then) but they have liked each other for a very long time and are very attached an involved in each others' lives but every so often I sense a shift...Last summer it was DD who needed some space. It can be a rollercoaster and very hard to watch DD go through it.
Hang in there!
Sharon
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 7:55pm

I think a lot of relationships go through "needing space."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 3:41pm
Thanks to those of you who replied. Those are some good suggestions. This isn't really a case of them needing space--this is more a case of my DD being dumped, but still stubbornly trying to salvage the relationship. It just hurts me to see her sitting at home alone, pining after this kid, when he obviously has no intention of getting back together with her. Even worse is the thought of what "nasty things" she might have done in her desperation. (No, I didn't think it meant intercourse.) I've tried telling her that she has so much going for her, she shouldn't wait around, but of course she doesn't want to hear it from me. I just wish she could see that she'd be having so much more fun if she could just let this one go. I'm hoping that keeping her busy this summer will provide her with the necessary perspective on this non-relationship! Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 6:44pm

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She doesnt sound that way from her actions

I find people who have 'control issues' are often looked up to and respected-seen as being strong willed and determined(words you used to describe her)

Is it possible this fits her?

As in she fully expected to control this relationship and cannot accept that she couldnt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 7:03pm
No, she is not very controlling. In fact, she is very easygoing about most things. However, she has always been stubborn (I prefer the word "persistent!") at times. This quality has served her well in many respects. So in this case, I think she really wants this boyfriend, and is refusing to give up. If anything, this bf controlled the relationship when they were going out. He is very manipulative. Part of her hanging on is due to his continued manipulation. For example, he was angry that after he dumped her, she stopped wearing a bracelet that he had given her. So she has started wearing it again in the hopes that it will make a difference. Grrr! This is what I'm talking about as far as losing her self-respect.