Where Did I Go Wrong As A Mother?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Where Did I Go Wrong As A Mother?
16
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 4:35pm
Where did I go wrong as a mother? I am sitting here typing this with
tears coming down. To some this may not seem like such a big deal,
but it is very upsetting to me. I have a soon to be 13 DS who has
no respect for me at all. He doesn't listen to anything I say and
God forbid I should ask him to do something! He is constantly name
calling. If you ask him to do something he will immediately say
no and give you ten reasons why he can't do it and it usually ends
up in a yelling match. If he asks me to do something and I don't he
will be very spiteful. Example, last night he asked me to put his
clothes away and I would not do it because it is his responsibility.
While he was leaving my bedroom he took by trash pail and put it
in the hallway and turned it over and proceeded to walk down the
stairs. It ended up me screaming at him. Just now I asked him to
go upstairs and get my glasses and he said no, that he just cut
his finger and then said what, are you retarded? I do not speak to my
children that way or name call. It is irritates me how he has no
respect and what's worse is that he knows how it makes me feel and
he doesn't care. How can someone you love so much be so hurtful??



Edited 9/7/2006 4:36 pm ET by riat2006

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 4:47pm

Two questions;

Has he always behaved this way or is this a recent development?
Is his dad living at home with you? If not, is he involved?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 4:51pm
He has always been a bit of a difficult child, but it seems
to be getting worse these days. Yes, dad does live with us.
We get along like any normal husband and wife and we have
another child, a 16 DD who he also calls names and torments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 4:55pm
Does your son insult his father, or just you and his sister?
Bear with the questions...I'm going somewhere with this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 4:59pm
Yes, he sometimes does insult his father, but not
as much as me because I am the one home with him all
day. His father comes home from work anywhere
between 6:30 and 10:00 so does not see him as much as me.
My husband is very fashion conscious and takes pride in his
look and my son with often call him gay, things like that.
He calls my daughter a man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 5:01pm

First of all, guilt and blame will not help this situation so you need to change your question from "where did I go wrong" to "what can I do to fix this". This is a fixable situation but it will take patience and consistency on your part. First of all, try to catch him at a time when he is fairly calm and go on the front porch at night or go for a ride (they talk better in the dark or in the car) and have a talk with him. Start by saying to him "I have something to say and I need you to be quiet until I'm finished, then you may resond but only in a calm manner. If either one of us looses our temper and starts yelling or name calling, the other one needs to simply walk away and end this conversation." Explain to him that this is a very important conversation and that if either one of you gets upset, the points will be missed.

Then tell him that you are the mom and as such you deserve respect. Yelling and screaming and name calling will no longer be accepted. If this behavior continues, he will be punished. Then outline the punishment. I am not a big fan of grounding - I prefer chores. When I give my DD a major chore as punishment, I work right along with her. This builds her self-esteem back up. You may also ask him to think about why he reacts so strongly. Is he frustrated about something at school and maybe he's taking it out on you?

When DD had her rebellious stage, I read ever self-help parenting of teen book I could find. I posted non-stop here. One particular book I liked was:

Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager: 7 Steps to Reestablish Authority and Reclaim Love by Scott P. Sells

I'm posting the Amazon.com link for it:

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Your-Out-Control-Teenager/dp/0312303017/sr=8-1/qid=1157662808/ref=sr_1_1/103-8565712-4540607?ie=UTF8&s=books

I didn't agree with everything but this book does stress the importance of your remaining calm and in control in all situations. It helps teach you how to reestablish your authority as a parent.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 5:06pm
How did it turn out for you with your DD?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 5:07pm
It sounds like your son is going through the same thing a lot of teenagers go through. They get rude and rebellious and hard to deal with. It's not that you did anything wrong, it's a developmental stage like tattling as small children. Just like tattling, you have to find a way to correct the behavior. At his age, knocking over trash cans and being allowed to leave it that way is asking for trouble. He's testing the limits, and he crossed the line. He needs punishment. With some kids, taking things away works, with others it's not being allowed to go out with friends, whatever works for you but you can't let him get away with things like that, and you and your husband need to be clear and consistent in setting and enforcing rules.
Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 7:06pm

After a full year of crying, arguing, lying, drinking, sneaking around, etc, she finally learned that mom meant business. It took me a good portion of that year to learn how to be consistent and how to remain calm but once I learned that, she caught on pretty quickly. Oh she occassionally tests the waters still but for the most part she knows whats expected and respects us. If she disagrees with our decisions, she knows to come to us and present her case in a well thought out manner. Some of this has simply come with age but some of it she learned b/c her yelling and sneaking around was only getting her alot of hard work.

She's 18 now and graduated high school in May. She has been at parties (with my permission and knowledge in advance) that have gotten out of hand and the cops showed up but I'm happy to say my DD was released to drive away on her own b/c she hadn't been drinking. She also called me both times before she left to tell me about this herself b/c she knows that these things must come from her. She's not real good at doing chores but then I don't push those as I'm not real good at it either. If she feels a snit fit coming on, then she normally asks to be excused and we finish the conversation later. I can say that I'm happy that my garage is nasty and my windows are dingy b/c those were her punishment chores!!

Once again, some of this change was maturity issues. Some of it had to do with dealing with ADD and getting meds so that she wasn't so frustrated but most of it was consistency in enforcing punishment and discipline (in the form or chores or some grounding). If we grounded her, it was usually with the stipulation that she might could get one night off for good behavior as an incentive for her to not be snippy the whole time she was grounded. That helped alot too.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 9:13pm

I have to say that no, this is not "normal" teenage rebellion, this is teenage rebellion to the extreme.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 10:16pm
How can someone you love so much be so hurtful? Because that someone you love so much is THIRTEEN. If I tell you that it will pass will you believe me? Thirteen year olds are miserable, depressed, won't look you in the eye, stay in their room, self hating, world hating, parent (especially mother) hating, little creatures. Yes, he wants to hurt you. He does not know why, but it has something to do with the fact that you show hurt the most and he feels powerful but guilty at the same time. My daughter sometimes would not stop until I cried. Then she felt bad and would say she was sorry for calling me the worst mother, the stupidest mother, the mother nobody wants. The thing is I never believed her. I knew I was a good mother and that she loved me. With hormones raging, bodies changing, school stress, peer pressure, and many other things that this generation has to deal with it was only natural that she exploded now and then and trash talked her mother daily. I never stopped telling her I loved her or grabbing her and giving her a hug which she resisisted but I knew she needed. Give your son space, do not react to his rude behavior because this is what he wants. Why would he overturn your trash pail if not to make you lose it. And making you lose it is powerful to him. By the way my daughter turned into a human being again at about age 16. Good luck.

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