Where did we go wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2011
Where did we go wrong?
16
Tue, 05-10-2011 - 2:15pm

I questioned my daughter yesterday about a rumor another girl was spreading about my 14 year old daughter having sex in a car @ a party. She said that she did not have sex but did perform oral sex on the boy. She said that she felt pressured (not like rape) because she liked him and thought that he wouldn't like her anymore if she didn't do it. Of course he dropped her afterwards and told everyone they didn't have sex. She has a very low self esteem ( I don't know why, because she is very smart, athletically gifted and beautiful). I don't know what to do. Do I ground her forever and take away her phone? How can she even be thinking of these things at this age? My husband says that she is a slut. I say that one thing does not make a slut. We caught her looking up nasty things on the computer about a year ago and talking provocatively to a boy on the phone. I just don't know what we have done wrong and what we can do to "fix her". I don't believe that people are disposable, I am not ready to throw my hands up, but I just don't know where we have gone wrong and I don't know what to do. She is just a baby...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 05-10-2011 - 4:05pm

Many gentle hugs to you. I firmly believe the vast majority of parents do the best job they can raising their kids. Despite everything we tell them, the morals we try to instill in them - many teens do incredibly stupid things. Your dd is very young so you do still have some control over her. If you're paying for the phone and you can't trust her to use it responsibly then by all means limit her access/take away her texting/etc. If she's using the computer irresponsibly by all means make sure she only uses a computer in the main part of the house with you in the same room. If she exhibits dangerous behavior at parties then don't let her go to parties for now unless you know the parents well and know they will be actively supervising. And definitely don't let her go to parties where there are cars available - unless they had sex in the family car of the host of the party I'm assuming older kids (16-17) must have been there. Most of all keep talking to her about self-respect. Having sex with a 14 or 15 year old boy at a party (or a 24 or 34 year old man) is NOT the way to get them to like you. Sharing in common interests, activities, and hobbies, carrying on conversations - those are ways to get to know each other and determine whether a boy and girl like each other. And while your dd certaily isn't a slut - sex is sex whether it's oral or intercourse. Although she can't get pregnant from oral sex she can very well contact an STD and it's still (IMO) an intimate act best left for two people in a committed relationship. I know that casual sex is very common among many young people but the people that teens are randomly hooking up with at parties are seldom going to be the people they want to settle down with in an adult committed relationship. And although you'll always look at your dd as a baby the fact is with many girls these days going through puberty at 9 or 10 - many 14 year olds are physicall fully developed young women with sex drives that are kicking in. Hang in there, rein her back in a bit, and keep us posted.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2011
Tue, 05-10-2011 - 4:12pm
thank you for your input. I am just so blown away. I agree with everything that you have said and I just really hope that I haven't lost her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 05-10-2011 - 4:50pm

Of course you haven't lost her! If only these teens could learn through our mistakes but unfortunately they have to make their own mistakes. My boys are now 21 and almost 24 and there were days when I wondered if we'd all survive some of the things they did during their teen years! But my older one has pretty much grown into a responsible human being. Do I agree with everything he does? No but he doesn't do so many stupid things anymore. My 21yo is still a work in process :smileysad: but I'm not ready to give up on him, either!

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Tue, 05-10-2011 - 11:01pm

OK, take a deep breath, relax, buckle-up for what may be a rough ride.

Most likely you didn't do anything wrong.

If you did not brake her, you may not be able to fix her.

A girl that makes a mistake, a few mistakes, or many mistakes is not a slut

She can learn from this. What you can do is try to work her through the situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Tue, 05-10-2011 - 11:10pm

oops posted before

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-10-2011 - 11:12pm

Hopefully your DD learned from this experience that thinking that she is going to be able to keep a boy by giving sexual favors isn't going to work, but it's certainly going to give her a bad reputation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2011
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 12:02pm
he didn't call her a sltu to her face. He is trying to calm down before he talks to her because he is afraid that he won't be able to control what he says right now. we are both so very upset we don't know what to do. she says that she knew right away that she had made a mistake. she thought that it was gross. I don't know what to believe. As far as being kind of young... I guess that I was a bit naive. She went to a birthday party for a friend with her sister. My daughter skipped a grade, so she is a Freshman in HS. She is an athlete. She is always with us or with her teams. This was literally an exception to the rule. We are very strict, maybe even too strict. I agree that one mistake does not make a slut. I certainly was not pure on my wedding night. It is just so hard to get that horrible picture out of my head. My husband says that is all that can think about all day long. I will definitely take your advice as well as everyone elses to heart. I plan on restricting her freedoms, but I don't know how to do that without making her feel like she is in jail. DH says we should set the alarm when we leave the house and not give her the code. I don't know what good that would do other than make her feel like a prisoner. sigh.... she has such a low self esteem, and whats bad is I know where she is coming from . I have the same self esteem problems and was guilty of doing things that I didn't necessarilly want to do in an effort to get guys to like me or want me. I never turned in to a full blown slut, but I could have and I don't want her to.
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Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 2:52pm

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Wed, 05-11-2011 - 6:57pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 7:02pm

I think if you give kids the message that you don't trust them, they will probably move down to that level.

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