Where did we go wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2011
Where did we go wrong?
16
Tue, 05-10-2011 - 2:15pm

I questioned my daughter yesterday about a rumor another girl was spreading about my 14 year old daughter having sex in a car @ a party. She said that she did not have sex but did perform oral sex on the boy. She said that she felt pressured (not like rape) because she liked him and thought that he wouldn't like her anymore if she didn't do it. Of course he dropped her afterwards and told everyone they didn't have sex. She has a very low self esteem ( I don't know why, because she is very smart, athletically gifted and beautiful). I don't know what to do. Do I ground her forever and take away her phone? How can she even be thinking of these things at this age? My husband says that she is a slut. I say that one thing does not make a slut. We caught her looking up nasty things on the computer about a year ago and talking provocatively to a boy on the phone. I just don't know what we have done wrong and what we can do to "fix her". I don't believe that people are disposable, I am not ready to throw my hands up, but I just don't know where we have gone wrong and I don't know what to do. She is just a baby...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Wed, 05-11-2011 - 9:38pm

OK, let me add this to what I posted yesterday.

It's only sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 8:52am

She needs counseling, period.

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-14-2011 - 2:23am

Honey, sadly I don't have any advice for you so please fogive me for chiming in at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Sun, 05-15-2011 - 3:19am

The whole "She's a slut" thing bothers me (not just from your husband, but from anyone). They're teenagers, sex is probably on their minds a majority of time, it's human nature to be curious and want to act on it (whether they do or not). Being a girl, of course, she gets mixed messages just like we all did. Nobody (maybe except for their own moms) ever seems to care about the boys

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-15-2011 - 9:33am

It is normal to have an interest in sex at this age so I am not surprised she was looking up things on the computer. Children-and I do mean children-are doing this as well. It's just their world to google anything that peaks their interest!

I am glad DH knows to wait until he is calm to speak with her.

Do you think they were drinking? It just sounds like a likely scenario and I wanted to throw that out there. Party, back seat of car, some shared booze, and poor decisions-well, no computer needed; that scenario has existed since there were cars!

I raised three boys and the most popular athletic, smart one presented the most dificulties. I truly believe the more popular kids are at most at risk for these behaviors, and

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 9:52pm
Oh, I don't blame you for being surprised at this behavior, but hopefully it was an incident. I would be heading off for some family couseling, so you can all just boost each other up and get through the rest of the teen years with less strife.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

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